vegas demons

i don't know how i should feel about this.

my mother has a lot of fears. fear of spiders. fear of cars. fear of other people. fear of germs. fear of flying. fear of wild animals. fear of doctors.

my mother didn't come to see me married in a beautiful candlelight ceremony under a full moon on the california beach because off her fear of flying.

my mother never came to see the births of any of her four grandchildren because of her fear of flying.

my mother turned down every invitation to come visit us in a foreign country, and four different states because of her fear of flying. we've always had to come to her.

and just today, she asked me to alter my vacation plans. plans to visit the place i desperately want to live, the great american desert. plans i've had to scrimp and save and work my butt off to get into place. plans that were originally scheduled for christmas 2007, but had to be postponed due to a severe money shortage. plans that the kids actively gave up christmas presents for to make sure that we'd have enough money to go forward. big plans. six airline tickets to phoenix arizona for 10-14 days, plus the rental van to haul our carcasses around, plus the food and activities, plus the three-day trip up to the grand canyon. not small plans.

she's made plans too, apparently. my parents are flying to vegas to renew their wedding vows on the bridge of the enterprise. did you see that word? flying.

i'm sorry, what?

you want me to take time off of my vacation and drive a total of 600 miles out of my way to watch you perform some silly 20 minute star trek thing, when you couldn't be arsed to show up for my real wedding? and then make it sound all sad because "it looks like there aren't going to be any guests anyway to watch the ceremony." you know, i'm sure my kids would absolutely love it. they are as big of trek geeks as my parents are. whether or not it would be fun is not the point. it would not be very practical. it would, in fact, be pretty expensive for us to add to our itenerary.

i'm feeling angry that she would wait until now, after my important life events are done to decide she wants to fly. i feel like nothing i have ever done is important enough to warrant any special treatment or ceremony or attention. i have bent over backwards, made and rescheduled things to suit her needs and work around her crap. ultimately, i will be made to feel like the villain for not supporting her decision. i will be told i'm being selfish and petty. i will be bashed for not standing up and applauding her for fighting her demons and getting on an airplane.

dude, that's not the point though anymore. you're fighting your demons 13 years too late. i am being stubborn and immovable. after all, i learned from the best.