scientology application

• Have you ever enslaved a population?
~i'm sorry, did you mis-read my surname as "bush"? i didn't think so.

• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
~just that one nation that doesn't exist anymore. they were bought out by google.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
~nope. just the right ones.

• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
~with my teeth. i was really horny. it was a real mess until it stopped bleeding. i decided not to do that again.

• Have you ever been a professional critic?
~i criticize a lot. but nobody pays me for it. or are you offering me a job?

• Have you ever wiped out a family?
~the national enquirer has dubbed them "abducted by aliens." we'll leave it at that.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
~you know, i can't come up with anything witty to answer this stupid question. that's so sad.

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
~come on. you were there! it was your farm!!

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
~just a couple of planets. sheesh. a few botched science experiments resulting in massive death and destruction and ya hold it against me for eternity.

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
~OK, that's more unnatural than i care to get into. what the hell is wrong with you??

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
~aye, matey. 'tis the only way to get baptized under the almighty flyin' spaghetti monster. don' tell me ye've ne'r heard of him....

• Have you ever been a pimp?
~just for your mom.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?
~not the whole thing. thighs are pretty filling.

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
~like cutting that one cake i made. yeah. that was hard to do. i cried.

• Have you ever exterminated a species?
~see question about radioactive planets.

• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
~one must be paid to be professional, yes? i'll stop there.

• Have you given robots a bad name?
~no, but i gave love a bad name. i bet "love" would be a bad name for a robot tho, now that you mention it.

• Have you ever set a booby trap?
~hmmm. that would be cheaper than getting a boob job. once one traps the boobies, how does one go about installing them on one's person? more thinking involved on this one before i act...

• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
~i haven't had any leaders worth rescuing. let me know if you see one. i'll form a committee and we'll get that decision out in a few years.

• Have you driven anyone insane?
~naw, my mom was more than halfway there before i came into the picture.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
~did you lose your place? i already answered that one.

• Is anybody looking for you?
~no. they all know i'm on the computer. i can tell because they keep interrupting me.

• Have you ever set a poor example?
~i don't think i have the moolah to set a rich example.

• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
~no, actually. i was looking for a salve to clear up some barnacle-looking rash on my ass and i liked the weather patterns so i decided to stay. now i'm emotionally involved with one of the natives and have started a family.

• Are you in hiding?
~technically, no. they know i'm here. but if i leave i'm in big trouble.

• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
~yeah. they call it "clue" here.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
~only the ones that aren't smart enough to figure out biting sarcasm.

• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
~that is a pretty big jump. i never really considered acting classes. nor philosophy ones for that matter. can i interest you in a cookie instead?

• Have you ever gone crazy?
~count my kids. count them again, that's right. now answer that question for me.

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
~that would be counterproductive. they already know i'm half-gone.

• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
~show me a great leader and we'll talk.

• Have you ever smothered a baby?
~with kisses. he giggled until his cheeks turned red. i miss that giggle.

• Do you deserve to have any friends?
~fuck you.

• Have you ever castrated anyone?
~keep up your insults and you'll find out.

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
~does it involve binding my wrists and wearing black leather? hmmm. i am intrigued.

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
~the one about deserving friends. because then you'll find your tongue missing.

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
~it's all in my head anyway. all i have to do is blink and i can blow it all away. that scares you doesn't it?

• Have you ever zapped anyone?
~with my special issue illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator. ooooh, so now you recognize me, huh?

• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
~well, i don't like to talk about it. most people don't go around talking about their discarded bodies. i'm sure you don't bring it up at thanksgiving, either.