drink dranked drunkened

i fergot to post the myspace bulletin from the other night. i giggled while i wrote. but then, i was drinkening. *hic*

1. Have you ever been drunk?
~me? nope, never, nuh-uh, not even last night. not even right this second with this tasty woodchuck in my fist. oh. wait. i had to put it down to type. bad form. *glug*

2. Do you prefer liquor or beer?
~i never prefer beer. now, cider is something else.

3. Can you handle shots?
~depends on the size of the shot. i can't take much more than a swig, most times.

4. What's your poison of choice?
~that depends highly on the mood, the occasion and the funds. and the stash for that matter. the fridge is a bit on the dry side since i started working. because i can't imagine anything harder than getting up *drunk* at 2:30am to go to work.

5. What type of drunk are you?
~giggly. loud. bouncy. talker.

6. Ever hooked up with a stranger while drunk?
~er, no. he was familiar, but he was strange. so what does that make it? new year's eve.

7. Ever peed your pants from being so wasted?
~a resounding no.

8. Are you a barfer?
~only when i chase champagne with about 10 tequila jello shooters. in a word: once. ever.

9. Do you turn into a chain smoker while drunk?
~um, since i don't smoke at all, that would be no.

10. Do you know your limits?
~absolutely. when the floor begins to move slightly off center, then it's time to eat something with starch before the next round.

11. Ever woken up asleep on the bathroom floor after a wild night out?
~nope, but i had a mark around my forehead from falling asleep with my head on the edge of a tiny little trash can. that was after the medieval banquet in england. i like mead too.

12. What alcohol makes you sick?
~crown royal. well, pretty much anything that has the look, the viscosity, and the smell of a furniture polish/urine blend.

13. Ever chipped a tooth from praying to the porcelain god all night?
~no. we already went over that. me no barfy.

14. Do you crave fast food when you’re drunk?
~nope. doritos. then again, i always eat doritos.

15. Do you tend to hug more than normal when you’re wasted?
~i don't know. anyone? is the kater a drunk hugger?

16. What's the biggest bar bill you've racked up in a night?
~*sheepishly* i've never been to a bar since i've been old enough to drink. i went with all my af friends 'waaaaaay back in the day, but i was the designated driver and i got free sprites. i think i got a really fucking awesome chocolate martini at a french cafe once and it was like $8. yeah. i agree. i need to get out more. but who's gonna pay for the sitter?

17. Do you have any hangover remedies??
~stop drinking heavily when the floor tilts. stay hydrated with something other than hooch. oh. you meant AFTER the fact.

18. Who is the funniest drunk you know?
~um, i don't know.

19. When's the last time you were completely hammered?
~date unknown, but surprise surprise, it was here in the house before i started working. i got sloshed because i knew i wouldn't be able to for a while. vodka and strawberry-banana V8 fusion.

20. Got any friends who can drink like nobody's business?
~not any more. but back in cali, man, we had some bottles to answer for in the mornings, didn't we?

21. Are you a loud or quiet drunk?
~fantabulously loud. the more i drink the higher the volume.

22. Are you a blackout drunk?
~never done that.

23. Do you like Smirnoff Ice?
~not that i know of....

24. Ever drank and drove?
~drove - as in a large group, swarm, herd, horde or crowd? or driven - as in the past tense form of the verb "to drive"?

let's try that again...

24a. Ever drink and drive?
once. on accident. honest. i ordered a virgin drink and (since i'd never had a loaded one) i didn't realize it was full up with hooch. i was the designated driver. halfway home i realized that i felt really strange (now i know i was just a little buzzed) and i pulled off the highway and took back streets home.

25. At what age did you start drinking?
~sometime in my junior year, someone handed me some kind of "light" beer in a solo cup from a keg. it was nasty. i tasted coors and rolling rock a couple of times before my senior prom. never got any kind of close to drunk. my first REAL drinking was done in cali, when i was just legal enough to be out of the house on my very own.

26 Ever been in a drunken fight?
~never.

27. Do you have a nice pair of beer goggles??
~no. i don't think they'd go well with my hair.

28. Ever passed out outside?
~you drunk or something? already went over the passed out thing.

29. What's the drunkest you've ever been?
~it's a dead tie between the medieval banquet and Y2K millenium bash. curious. both in england.

30. Have you ever been drunk with the person who posted this before you?
~nope. we were too young and law-abiding way back then.

31. Which one of your ex's had the most problem with you drinking?
~none. well, tad thinks i don't get schnockered nearly often enough. does that count?

how i spent my election day

i sat bolt upright in bed at 03:30am thinking i was late for work. then i remembered i had the alarm set for 04:30am for election day. and i couldn't get back to sleep.

i dinked around for so long, taking my time because i had hours to get ready, i didn't leave nearly enough time to pack my "lunch" for 12+ hours.

i was the first one in the parking lot, at 05:56.

the school looks really odd when it's all dark with no kids inside.

you can only vote in the maryland primaries if you are a registered member of the republican or democratic party. i am amazed at how many lifetime residents of this state still don't know that.

even if you register by the 22 january deadline, you most likely still won't be in the system. wake up sometime during those two years between elections and get your business done.

if you aren't in the system, are registered in another precinct, are registered in an "other/unaffiliated" party, or wish to change your party designation on primary election day, you can only vote by paper provisional ballot. in the even of a tie or if the board of elections deems the provisional ballot count "necessary," your vote will be counted. again, wake up sometime during those two years between elections and get your business done.

i was not the youngest person on our election official team this year. i was second youngest, by 14 years.

once you get all the machines synchronized, it is best not to rearrange furniture. it would be bad to kink or displace cables. we "always do it this way," due to outlet shortages and placement, not because we are sticks-in-the-mud resistant to change. ummmm, i told you so.

it is a slap in my face to tell me that you require another judge to sit and monitor me while i load ballots. i am UNAFFILIATED. why would i lean one way or the other and try to skew votes in a primary election? and why am i the only person who needs to be watched? fuck off. do it yourself, then. i am not a toddler.

oh...now you need my help because you don't know what you are doing. hmmm. interesting.

keep your old, outdated, racist, bigoted, sexist, partisan, not-funny, generally-fucked-up uber-christian-reich comments to yourself. people like you are the reason WHY i am unaffiliated. i will not be aligned with people who sling racist remarks as jokes. no matter how many times you repeat it, i still won't find it funny. yes. it was something you said.

people who smoke heavily stand out, even in a crowd, and it is a herculean effort on my part to not curl my nose up at the stink. but i do try to keep my "game face" on.

only 21% of our precinct turned out, even though the weather didn't start to get bad until late in the afternoon. i was surprised at the low voter turnout. i hope that means everyone else is registered as unaffiliated, but i know better. most are just too lazy. our precinct voted more than 2 to 1 democratic.

no matter what type of voting system is in place, there will always be an angry mob of people who think the voting system itself is flawed. well, so are you. if you have a better idea, fix it.

apparently chief judges "don't get paid to know how the machines work." so they all come to me to figure out what they are supposed to do to open the polls on time. i'm planning on getting the big bucks as chief in november because i DO know how the machines work and that is important knowledge to have. especially if one has been "chief forever" and is not much into change.

most of the people working with me as election judge this year agreed that i should bring that up to the election board. they said they would support my shifting to chief.

people who try to register to vote or change their party designation on election day and then get mad at me because the system doesn't work that way need to shut the hell up. i registered in 2005, called the board to confirm 2 weeks later and haven't had any troubles. if you've let your registration go for 6 years, that's not my problem. let me reiterate: wake up sometime during those two years between elections and get your business done.

i am small, but i am mighty. don't you dare tell me i can't do something because i am a woman. i know my own limitations, unlike you old bravados. now, stand back before i hit you with this 75-pound voting machine.

whatever jackass decided to keep the polls open another 90 minutes due to bad weather needs to be stripped naked in front of beehive and shot repeatedly with an orange-filled cannon. most of the election judges are past retirement age and should not be expected to walk on a sheet of untreated ice to their cars and skate home after being in the polls for 16 hours.

the younger volunteers spent well over an hour warming cars, scraping windows and walking judges to their cars for safety.

1/4 inch of ice doesn't sound like a whole lot...but try standing on a solid sheet of it and scraping it from your windshield. i couldn't get a grip on the ground and every time i scraped, i slid away from the car. it was brutal.

metal folding chairs are really hard. i mean really hard. i didn't fall down on the ice at all yesterday, but it sure feels like i did. my ass hurts.

i was the last one in the parking lot at 11:21 pm. it took me 10 minutes to drive home 1/2 mile.

dogs are not cats

in case you hadn't noticed.

but then again, my dog doesn't really qualify as a dog anyway. she is rather felis cattus in many ways. she doesn't fetch balls. she lays in the sun and expects a good scratch and gives nothing in return. well, there is the walk thing and the chew-on-bones thing. hmmm. and she wags her tail. we'll call her dogg-ish for now.

we have a mouse. in the house. dr. seuss i am. our mouse does not like peanut butter. our mouse does not like tuna fish. our mouse does not like chocolate, cheese or any combination of the aforementioned foods. it does, however like jelly bellies. but i'm not about to part with any more of those. i keep finding poops in odd places. places where we don't have any food. we rinse out our recyclables, so the jars and cans are pretty clean. we have a really TALL trash can with a lid, so it can't get in there. we don't generally leave food sitting out and i am a former tupperware representative, so we have very little food sitting in plastic bags or boxes. dude's running out of options. especially now that i know it's here...thus i am being more scrupulous in my cleaning efforts. *sporfle* as if i make any effort to clean.

we have bars of soap in our bathroom for the first time ever. EVER, ever. i'm a liquid soap snob, preferring the pretty scents from bath & body works over anything else. the boys recently earned their whittling chip in boy scouts by carving shapes into a bar of soap; so they are proudly washing their hands with their creations. i found gouges in the soap one morning and i thought one of the kids had used my hair brush to make scratches into the wet soap...but they must have washed it off really good, because i didn't find any soap in my brush. so i decided not to yell at them. which was a good choice.

three completely unrelated paragraphs right?

my alarm chirped me awake at 2:30am again today. metric friday. i stumbled towards the green nightlight in the bathroom. i nudged the door open in time to see a long tail attached to a black body scurrying off my bathroom sink. who really knows about the color of the body though, because the color of the nightlight makes everything freakish. i only saw the ass and it moved so fast, i couldn't really judge its size. i did not scream. i did choke out a semi-muffled "oh FUCK," but i did not scream. (please hold your applause until the end of the program.) barefoot. bare legged. i pulled the door shut so it could not leave the bathroom and as my husband leapt from his slumber, (as fast as he leaps at 2:30am, anyway; i was pretty impressed with his distance) i heard it go splat and chitter-scratch onto the tile and under the baseboard heater.

when all was silent we managed to drag the dog into the bathroom by the scruff of her neck to investigate. the dog. my protector. the canus ridiculous who goes absolutely apeshit over the squirrels that dare to climb into her tree in the back yard, the freakazoid who barks at the sewer rats scuttling on the other side of the fence from her. this dog o'mine couldn't be arsed to check out the bathroom and make sure it was free of rodentia. what a total bitch. our last dog actually caught a mouse in his mouth, mid-leap. i let him outside and he spat it into the yard and chased it away with a series of barks that i assume amounted to, "get thee hence, little fuck, and if you return i shall unseam thee from the nave to the chaps." we never did have to set traps for that one. it never came back. so i suppose my expectations for trixie-poo may have been a bit high.

after a short investigation (and a bit of a wash for the sink), we determined that mousie has been eating soap. oooookay. i guess when one runs out of food, one must resort to....soap. when i returned home from work, around noonish, i found a poop on the sink that had not been there first thing this morning. so mousie came back for seconds. we're changing our bait to ivory shavings tonight. and locking up the soap.

my failure

i can hear you.

you don't need to tell me again.

i admit that i've made a mistake
and i can see the mess in front of me.
i can see the cracks in the surface
and i know the cause.

the cause is me.
i've failed again.
no matter how hard
i try, i try again;
i can't get it right.

the cause is lost,
the lines are drawn.
the die is cast,
i haven't won.



i can't make a proper cheesecake.
i don't think i ever will.

can i interest you in a cookie instead?

scientology application

• Have you ever enslaved a population?
~i'm sorry, did you mis-read my surname as "bush"? i didn't think so.

• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
~just that one nation that doesn't exist anymore. they were bought out by google.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
~nope. just the right ones.

• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
~with my teeth. i was really horny. it was a real mess until it stopped bleeding. i decided not to do that again.

• Have you ever been a professional critic?
~i criticize a lot. but nobody pays me for it. or are you offering me a job?

• Have you ever wiped out a family?
~the national enquirer has dubbed them "abducted by aliens." we'll leave it at that.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
~you know, i can't come up with anything witty to answer this stupid question. that's so sad.

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
~come on. you were there! it was your farm!!

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
~just a couple of planets. sheesh. a few botched science experiments resulting in massive death and destruction and ya hold it against me for eternity.

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
~OK, that's more unnatural than i care to get into. what the hell is wrong with you??

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
~aye, matey. 'tis the only way to get baptized under the almighty flyin' spaghetti monster. don' tell me ye've ne'r heard of him....

• Have you ever been a pimp?
~just for your mom.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?
~not the whole thing. thighs are pretty filling.

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
~like cutting that one cake i made. yeah. that was hard to do. i cried.

• Have you ever exterminated a species?
~see question about radioactive planets.

• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
~one must be paid to be professional, yes? i'll stop there.

• Have you given robots a bad name?
~no, but i gave love a bad name. i bet "love" would be a bad name for a robot tho, now that you mention it.

• Have you ever set a booby trap?
~hmmm. that would be cheaper than getting a boob job. once one traps the boobies, how does one go about installing them on one's person? more thinking involved on this one before i act...

• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
~i haven't had any leaders worth rescuing. let me know if you see one. i'll form a committee and we'll get that decision out in a few years.

• Have you driven anyone insane?
~naw, my mom was more than halfway there before i came into the picture.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
~did you lose your place? i already answered that one.

• Is anybody looking for you?
~no. they all know i'm on the computer. i can tell because they keep interrupting me.

• Have you ever set a poor example?
~i don't think i have the moolah to set a rich example.

• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
~no, actually. i was looking for a salve to clear up some barnacle-looking rash on my ass and i liked the weather patterns so i decided to stay. now i'm emotionally involved with one of the natives and have started a family.

• Are you in hiding?
~technically, no. they know i'm here. but if i leave i'm in big trouble.

• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
~yeah. they call it "clue" here.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
~only the ones that aren't smart enough to figure out biting sarcasm.

• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
~that is a pretty big jump. i never really considered acting classes. nor philosophy ones for that matter. can i interest you in a cookie instead?

• Have you ever gone crazy?
~count my kids. count them again, that's right. now answer that question for me.

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
~that would be counterproductive. they already know i'm half-gone.

• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
~show me a great leader and we'll talk.

• Have you ever smothered a baby?
~with kisses. he giggled until his cheeks turned red. i miss that giggle.

• Do you deserve to have any friends?
~fuck you.

• Have you ever castrated anyone?
~keep up your insults and you'll find out.

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
~does it involve binding my wrists and wearing black leather? hmmm. i am intrigued.

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
~the one about deserving friends. because then you'll find your tongue missing.

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
~it's all in my head anyway. all i have to do is blink and i can blow it all away. that scares you doesn't it?

• Have you ever zapped anyone?
~with my special issue illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator. ooooh, so now you recognize me, huh?

• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
~well, i don't like to talk about it. most people don't go around talking about their discarded bodies. i'm sure you don't bring it up at thanksgiving, either.

chicken fried junk

my aunt calls it "candy." my mom calls it "death by cholesterol." i don't care what it's called, i call it; it's mine. step away from the chicken pan and no one will get hurt. now before you all gag and put up the little guy, let me explain.

i am an omnivore, but i am not a bone-picking animal-skinning kind of girl. i buy my meat boneless, skinless and mostly cut the way i want it so the less i have to touch it, the better. i also tend not to deep fry anything except the occasional batch of indian fry bread or fritters. so when i talk about my fried chicken, i'm talking about a seasoned, breaded chicken breast baked in the oven with salt-free butter. but when the chicken has been served and eaten, when the leftovers are put away, when it's time to wash the dishes, you'll find me picking the fried seasoning stuck to the butter in the edges of the pan. oh my goddess, it is soooooo awesomely good. my teeth close on that satisfying little crunch of bread crumbs, seasonings and butter....

excuse me. i need to be alone with my chicken pan.

**golden oven fried chicken**

by popular demand, the kater-modified version of an iowegian favorite....

1/2 C unsalted butter, divided
1 tsp minced garlic
1 C dry bread crumbs
1/4 C grated parmesan
2 Tbsp parsley
1/2 - 3/4 tsp garlic salt (to your taste)
1/4 tsp thyme
dash pepper
4-5 boneless skinless chicken breasts

*sometimes, i slice them into chicken "fingers" or halve the breasts so they cook more evenly). i also measure my dried green herbs into my hands and "press" them as i sprinkle them into my recipes...it brings out more flavor in the dried spices...or so i've been told.

1 - heat oven to 400*. melt 2T butter in a 9x13 glass pan (to coat the bottom for "frying"). melt remaining butter with garlic in a bowl for dipping.
2 - combine bread crumbs, parmesan, and spices in a flat or wide bowl. dip chicken into melted garlic butter, coat with crumbs and place in glass baking dish. drizzle any reaming butter atop the breaded chicken and sprinkle with any remaining crumbs. DO NOT re-use crumbs later.
3 - bake for 45min to an hour (depending on the thickness of the breasts,) or 15-25 minutes for sliced chicken "fingers".
4 - pick the fried bits out of the edges of the pan after dinner when nobody is looking.

*note - it's gooey as a leftover, so only make what you need.

i can't drive 55

Where to even begin? Jeez. I just don't know. How about the weather first? That'll do. It's just above freezing. It's raining. Thow'in' down rain at times, with areas of dense patchy fog, bringing visibility down to less than 1/4 mile in those places.

The posted speed limit is 55, which in Maryland means 75, unless there is a visible cop car and then it's 50. Goddess above deliver you if you attempt to go slower than the assumed speed limit of 75 in a posted 55 zone.

Combine the above two situations and you have the reason why the price of car insurance in this state is astronomical. Maryland drivers can't use turn signals, parallel park - hell, park in one single parking space between the lines! - leave a safe following distance, stay in one lane for more than three miles, and generally simply cannot drive. Of all the places I have lived and driven, (which is not a small number of states....I can list them all when provoked), Maryland is by far the worst hands down, no doubt about it, there is no other contender for worst drivers in the world. Period. Shall I tell you how I really feel? today was no different.

Extra-Cautious-Red-Hyundai-Man: OK, I realize they delayed schools for two hours, but it isn't that bad. It's just rain. Sprinkles, really at this point. You could prolly go hmm, maybe 40 mph in a 55 zone. Really. I think your tires can handle it. Your accelerator is the tall pedal on the right.

Navy-Blue-Souped-Dodge-Ram-Bastard: We've met before. Once in the tunnel. Once in the snow. On this same road. You were an ass then, too. When I drive through dense fog, I slow down. When I drive through dense fog in the rain, I slow down more. When there is an accident and two police cars and an ambulance have one lane blocked, and everyone is merging left, and the people in front of me are slowing down, *ummmm* I slow down. Those flashy red things in the back of my car?? Those are brake lights. They aren't red-hot for your bod. My car is stopping. You know what? Flash your lights at me all you want. Honk your horn. Go on, do it again. Just ram me. Save some time. I have really good insurance and you are completely at fault, assbasket. And then, when we clear the accident, make sure you rev that engine of yours as you go around me and flip me off (while drifting into another lane, mind you) to make sure I'm good and told off for slowing down. I really would have no qualms about seeing your pretty truck upside down in the median and a big red smear underneath it.

Box-Truck-Who-(Almost)-Missed-the-Exit: Has anyone in this state heard of going to the next exit and turning around and heading back to the one you missed? Anyone? Do we all just dive for the exit from the middle lane now? "Shit, that's my exit number and I was talking on the phone and missed it. I think I can still make it if I can levitate over this steady stream of traffic....oops. I can't levitate the whole vehicle. Damn. Guess I'll just barrel through to the grass and then back up until I can make a 110-degree turn onto the exit ramp. Yeah. That works." Except for all of us who are in the way.....

Mustard-Yellow-Xterra-Speed-Demon: a word, if you please - phrase, rather. Toll booth. When you exit the tunnel, you have to go through the toll booth. The posted speed limit through the toll booth lanes is actually 15 mph - on the EZPass lanes. I loved it when you zoomed out of the tunnel three lanes to my left and totally cut me off to get in front of me. That bus thought it was pretty cool too. The whole swerving thing was our token "swerve of appreciation" for a job well done. You sure did get through the tolls faster than me. The only way you could have improved your game is if you had honked or flashed your lights. Maybe next time you can be as good as assbasket up there.

Southbound-in-the-Northbound-95-Freak-of-the-Moment: All I really have to say at this point is "What. The. Fuck." Headlights facing me do not belong on this side of the concrete barrier. How in hell did you manage to get into that spot? No apparent damage to your car, no break in the median...I guess some things are better left unknown. And there was a state trooper right behind me just then to assist you. How fortunate.

But I made it home today. The colorful parade of idiot drivers let me live to see another day of idiot drivers. I need a nap.

vegas demons

i don't know how i should feel about this.

my mother has a lot of fears. fear of spiders. fear of cars. fear of other people. fear of germs. fear of flying. fear of wild animals. fear of doctors.

my mother didn't come to see me married in a beautiful candlelight ceremony under a full moon on the california beach because off her fear of flying.

my mother never came to see the births of any of her four grandchildren because of her fear of flying.

my mother turned down every invitation to come visit us in a foreign country, and four different states because of her fear of flying. we've always had to come to her.

and just today, she asked me to alter my vacation plans. plans to visit the place i desperately want to live, the great american desert. plans i've had to scrimp and save and work my butt off to get into place. plans that were originally scheduled for christmas 2007, but had to be postponed due to a severe money shortage. plans that the kids actively gave up christmas presents for to make sure that we'd have enough money to go forward. big plans. six airline tickets to phoenix arizona for 10-14 days, plus the rental van to haul our carcasses around, plus the food and activities, plus the three-day trip up to the grand canyon. not small plans.

she's made plans too, apparently. my parents are flying to vegas to renew their wedding vows on the bridge of the enterprise. did you see that word? flying.

i'm sorry, what?

you want me to take time off of my vacation and drive a total of 600 miles out of my way to watch you perform some silly 20 minute star trek thing, when you couldn't be arsed to show up for my real wedding? and then make it sound all sad because "it looks like there aren't going to be any guests anyway to watch the ceremony." you know, i'm sure my kids would absolutely love it. they are as big of trek geeks as my parents are. whether or not it would be fun is not the point. it would not be very practical. it would, in fact, be pretty expensive for us to add to our itenerary.

i'm feeling angry that she would wait until now, after my important life events are done to decide she wants to fly. i feel like nothing i have ever done is important enough to warrant any special treatment or ceremony or attention. i have bent over backwards, made and rescheduled things to suit her needs and work around her crap. ultimately, i will be made to feel like the villain for not supporting her decision. i will be told i'm being selfish and petty. i will be bashed for not standing up and applauding her for fighting her demons and getting on an airplane.

dude, that's not the point though anymore. you're fighting your demons 13 years too late. i am being stubborn and immovable. after all, i learned from the best.