be not a salmon

 i thought the end of the school year meant i would have more time to write. not so. i am spending my time lounging about, enjoying my afternoons with my kids. and collecting short stories to compile. today is the compilation day.

when the airline representative at the ticket counter tells you that your sword is too valuable and that the airline does not want to take responsibility for its safe-keeping as checked baggage, and advises you to take the sword on the airplane as carry-on, you need to change airlines. really really. there were witnesses. witnesses that were not traveling with aforementioned sword-bearing passenger. the airline was informed that their representative was indeed incorrect. swords are not carry-on. Douchebags Endangering Luggage, Travelers & Aircraft.

the lines only move as fast as the person up front. remember that while you are grousing at the back of the line about how slow things are moving. use that line time to, oh, i don't know, maybe get the ticket out that says "from: baltimore, to: someplace else." then, when you are head guy up front, how about you empty your pockets the FIRST time you alarm the metal detector? oh, and you left your laptop in your bag, too? let me remove it for you. and once the laptop is out, i can see the bottles of shampoo and the pocketknife you aren't supposed to have. now you've lost your watch? did you check the flotilla of bowls exiting the x-ray machine? yes. all those are yours. don't forget your handful of condoms; i don't need those things anymore. i'm sure i don't know where you put your shoes. did you put them inside the x-ray machine? are you sure? i will go check out front. no, sir. they were on the floor under the table where you kicked them off. they are inside the x-ray right now. you want to speak to my supervisor? by all means. tell them you were the one who wanted to jump the line because you said it was moving too slow. yes. i remember your sneer from all the way back at the end of the line. sir? you forgot your blackberry. have a nice flight. there's the door.

real live conversation: ma'am, you can take this bag back to the ticket counter and check it if you'd like to keep all your bottles, but they can't go with you as carry-on. "what does that mean?" that means that you can't bring this bag full of big bottles on the plane with you. it has to go in the belly of the plane. "what do you mean?" ~pause~ ma'am, um, you can check your bag with the airline, if you like. if you don't want to check your bag under the plane, these will have to be surrendered. "i told you you can check in the bag already. what do you want?" ~~pause~~ ma'am. which airline are you flying today? "answer." did you speak to anyone who works for your airline today? "yes." they gave you your ticket, and you gave them a suitcase and they put a little sticker on it, and it rolled away on a black machine and now you can't see it anymore? "yes, that's right." you'll have to go out there and do that again with this bag. "oh. oh. no. go ahead and throw this stuff away then." christ-almighty-in-a-gold-lamee-tupee-on-a-pogo-stick-leaping-through-hoops-of-fire.

when you are selected for random additional screening, it is just that: random. i am required to continuously check random pieces of luggage, accessible property, and passengers. it's called "random" because it is not planned. it occurs to keep people guessing. you never know what is going to happen next. if you can't plan, then neither can They. if i am white, and you are not, selecting you for additional screening does not make me a racist. it does not mean i don't like your football team. i don't, but i don't like football anyway. i didn't see anything suspicious about you, and i'm not testing your DNA. i could care less if your shoes stink, because in this place, everybody stank. go right ahead and speak to my supervisor. i'm feeling froggy today, so go ahead and speak to her supervisor too. he might give me an award for all my randomness. i'd like an award.

you just paid $200 to fly somewhere, sitting very close to someone you quite possibly do not know for an unknown amount of time from one to four hours. maybe more. the least you could do is wash your ass, even if you had to get out of bed at 2am. a bar of soap is like 97 cents.

if the thought of walking barefoot on the nasty carpet bothers you, BRING SOCKS. you could try matching up socks, maybe even finding a pair or two that don't have holes (plural) in them. the dollar store sells bunches of socks (for $1!!) that you could put on, walk through the checkpoint, sit down, peel off the "nasty" socks, put your shoes back on, and throw away the $1 socks. it is feasible. your squeamishness and inability to plan ahead affect my job not in the slightest.

do not bring a 14-inch machete in your carry-on. let me rephrase that: DO. NOT. BRING. A. 14-INCH. MACHETE. IN. YOUR. CARRY-ON.

your flight takes off at 10:50? you want to cut the line? it's boarding now? they are calling your name? was there a line at the ticket counter? no? it is 10:45 am. ma'am, you can't cut the line. for all i know, half of these people in this line are on your flight. most of these people showed up with time to get to their flights. i am not allowed to put you in front of people who planned enough time to get to the airport. it doesn't matter if you have children or not. when you booked your ticket, the agent told you to allow two hours to get through the check-in and security process, not two minutes. this checkpoint has been open since 4:11 am, so you have had 6-1/2 hours to get through here. i suggest you head back to the ticket counter to re-book. you are not going to make it to your flight on time.

passenger flow is up, personnel is down, because not only do we deserve a little time off, we have training and testing requirements, too. work with me, people.