Introduction to Using a Bathroom Door

so i wasn't feeling well. which meant i needed to make many trips to the bathroom over a couple of days. you needed the backstory, short as it is.

Introduction to Using a Bathroom Door
(complete with hands-on practical application)

Please gather 'round. Can everyone hear me? Good. Good. Welcome to Introduction to Using a Bathroom Door. We'll start with a lecture and move on to practical applications. That means we're going to play with the door at the end. OK?

You are in a bathroom. What do we generally do in a bathroom that would require the door to be closed? Right! Use the toilet. Very good. Now, When we use the toilet, we close the door because our pants are down and we have things hanging out that we don't want everyone to see, like penises and butts or vaginas, right? That includes me. I close this door because I don't want you to see my butt hanging out. Yep. Gross. That's why there's a door.

Now when I am in the bathroom and the door is closed, I do not want you to barge in at a headlong run yelling, "MOOOOM!" If you have something to say to me, you need to knock on the door and simply tell me. You can't press your mouth against the door and mumble; you need to speak up and be very clear. I don't need to hear a long story. Tell me why I need to pull up my pants and tell me fast. Now let's do a practice with knocking.

Close your fingertips up against your palm, very nice, and put your thumb across them, just like that!! Now, this is how you knock. (knocking) Practice right here on the wall. I want to make sure that all four of you know how to do that part before we move on. (lots of knocking and giggling) Good. Excellent, Not too hard, we aren't a demolition crew. Yes. That's it.

Now that we know what knocking is, and that we knock when we see that the door is closed, and we have practiced knocking, we will talk about the reasons why you might need to actually bother me while I'm taking a dump. Do you have any ideas about that? Should Mommy need to find your most favorite lego out of the 8 million legos in our house while she is taking a dump? How about pigtails? Should Mommy need to put your hair in pigtails while pooping? No and no. Very good. I am not going to make you a sandwich from the toilet, either. We are talking about emergencies. If someone has had their hand lopped off by Darth Vader, yes, Mommy needs to get off the pot. If there is a Mack truck crashing into the living room, yes, Mommy needs to pinch off that loaf and call the insurance company. If the ceiling fan disconnects from the ceiling and turns into an Indiana-Jones-style projectile weapon, yes, Momma should be interrupted to fix that. Pretty much anything not involving injuries or damage to the house is a 'No.'

OK, now here is the fun part. Think of a reason why I might need to be bothered on the toilet. Everyone have a reason? Good. Out. Pretend I'm on the toilet. Oh, No!! Whatever shall we do? The bathroom door is closed!

(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. The stove caught fire? Damn! Stay away from the stove 'til I wipe my butt!!" Excellent! Next.

(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. Oh, No! The dog escaped the backyard! I'll be right there!" Good one.

(knocking hard, til the door opened up) "Fail. You opened the door. Go to the end of the line and try again."

(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. Darth Vader is climbing in through the window? I'll grab my lightsaber and be right up." Nice.

(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. You were playing America's Top Chef and cut your finger? That wasn't very smart. Lemme get my draws on. I'm on my way."

Now we all understand what a bathroom door is for, why it is closed, when we should bother Mommy on the toilet, how to knock, and have practiced doing it the right way. Does anyone have any questions?

Thank you for your time and attention. You can go play now.