good morning to the greater bal-wash area

ahem.

due to the large number of accidents on the streets and highways of the greater bal-wash area this morning, i must say that i am ashamed to live in a state that receives one inch of snow overnight and the residents lose their minds. right out the window. hey, i just had an epiphany: schools are closed and delayed, not because of accumulation, but because of all the bad drivers on the road that put the kids in danger. wow.

apparently those $500 driver's ed classes which are required before taking the written test don't actually teach anything, based on the number of drivers who can't drive in good weather, let alone throw some precipitation and/or darkness into the mix.

rule number one: there is no such speed as mach 50 in a land vehicle. stop trying to achieve it on the way to work.

rule number two: you should arrive to work on time in good weather so you have some credibility when the weather is bad and will not get into trouble for arriving late. then you can take your time and point & laugh at all the fools in the ditches.

rule number three: scrape all of your car windows before attempting to drive. a 3-inch hole over the steering wheel does not count. you need all your windows clear so you can see that mack truck when you change lanes suddenly without using a blinker while attempting mach 50. otherwise your car would only have a three-inch hole above the steering wheel instead of all those blasted windows to scrape.

rule number four: residential streets (that's a long word for "streets with houses on them") have slower speeds than multi-lane highways. people who live in those houses need to get into and out of their driveways without being honked at, run down, and/or killed. drive slower and it won't seem like that bitch just cut you off.

rule number five: ice and snow do not automatically melt when they hit the ground, even if that is what happened yesterday at noon. sometimes the ice and snow make a weird covering on the ground that makes it difficult to drive a car. again with the "slowing down" theme. (do i sound like a CD with a scratch in it yet?)

rule number six: if you are tailgating, that means your car is too close to the one in front of you. "too close" can generally be defined like this: the driver cannot see the license plate, grill, headlights, hood, or windshield wipers of the car in their rearview mirror, but can read their lips and see that they are being cussed out
for being too slow. tip: peeps who slow down are trying not to wreck. back off or change lanes.

rule number seven: you shouldn't be talking on your cell phone and drinking coffee while trying to drive, even when the roads are stellar. um, that goes double for texting and/or catching headlines on the blackberry. if it's not important enough to pull to the side of the road, it's not that important.

rule number eight: blinkers are your friends. the rest of us kinda need to know what the hell you're doing, since you and your phone are obviously not paying attention to the road. especially if you drive in the fast lane and wait until the yellow "exit only" sign comes up before you decide to exit.

rule number nine: your road rage means nothing to me. yes i did just take a picture of you and your license plate number. your ass is on platewire.

rule number ten: just because you pay taxes doesn't mean you own the road. and just because we all pay taxes doesn't mean we have to all drive like we own the road. here's a crazy idea: if we all start earlier and slow down when the weather is bad, chances are there will be fewer accidents and we'll get to work without having to sit in miles of backed-up traffic due to accidents. full circle, huh? whooooa.