charm city, hon? i think not.

assholes are everywhere. i've lived in four different time zones, and yeah, they're everywhere. but i will swear to all the gods and goddesses that be, that the largest collection of assholes spread across every faith, color and generation are situated here. in charm city.

the place where people routinely drive 20 mph over the speed limit in the slow lane and qualify in the fast lanes while talking on their phones, eating and/or drinking, all while flipping me the bird because i'm actually only going 70 in a 60 mph zone. well, yeah. screw me then. the place where you actually get run off the road while you're lawfully riding your bike. where people honk at you while you're crossing the road during the "walk" light - every time. the place where people leave their grocery carts in a parking space adjacent to the cart corral, then get mad at me when they roll into their own cars. where the four seasons of the year are ravens pre-season, FUBAAA!!!, bowl season, and post-season. if you don't wear purple every friday to school in january, you get kicked for not supporting the ravens. i hate football. i don't care what team it is. i really could care less if the whole bloody team walked off the face of the earth and never returned. keep your stupid red-necked purple crow wearing brats off my kids. the place where you can't back out of your own driveway (or pull into it) without getting honked at or someone screeching around you in a rage for making them slow down to 30 mph on a residential street.

i can't find any info on how baltimore got it's witty little nickname - probably a marketing scheme similar to the one that gave us our 2007 multi-million dollar tourist-attracting motto: "Get In On It." a-wha? your tax dollars at work, folks. can i just have the road fixed instead? the money's already spent? wow. too bad that's all you guys could come up with. i wish i could get paid for absolutely no work. my kids have better ideas than that. but they're getting kicked, so they're busy right now.

i have news for charm city and it's inhabitants. there's more to life than baltimore. i get the weirdest looks when i say things like, "my parents live in another state," or "i really can't wait to go back to arizona." they generally completely lose their eyebrows when they hear we've lived in england. and i still get the question, "so if he was born in england, why doesn't he have a british accent?" please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. and put down the cheese whiz and crab cakes.

baltimore is charm city? i don't think so, hon. if this is charm, i'd really hate to see the out-right hositlity. because that seems to be all i ever see anyway. no offense to anyone i have met personally, because if i've met you, and we're still friends...you obviously aren't who i am referring to anyway. apparently you-all need to start giving charm lessons to charm city!