just might slay someone

the mouse for sure, no matter how many of them there are, they are going down.

but i'm gonna take someone else out along the way. i remember getting up for work last week sometime and finding the front door open. in the dead of winter. in the middle of the friggin night. we're talking 3am, and i have just spent the better part of half an hour mostly naked, now i'm looking at an unsecured front door. not wide open and snow drifting in, but open nonetheless. someone got an earful when they got home from work that night.

i remember finding what i thought was a snipped candle wick on the counter top this weekend. it was smallish. it was blackened. it was next to a candle. i finished cleaning off the counter and thought nothing of it. until today when i found three of them in the same spot. and another in the recycle bin. and another on the floor. and the last straw was in the muffin tin. THE MUFFIN TIN. it then occurred to me that we haven't lit any candles in god knows how long. therefore they have not been recently snipped. and then i found the half-gnawed jellybean under the toaster oven. definitely gnawed. we gobble jelly beans whole in this house.

apparently someone came inside that night. so the mousie(s) has/have been here for about a week. at least. F*U*C*K. it had better be a mousie. it had better not have a long naked tail. i shit you not.

i am armed with crack sealant and caulk. i have tuna and peanut butter for bait. now all i need is a big asshole to bring home some traps and help me move the large stuff ('cause i'm not doing it alone, nope nope nope) and hand me tools.

...please be just a mouse, please be just a mouse, please please please...

still of the night

The alarm clock chirps insistently at 0230. The hum of the fan threatens to lull me back to sleep, but the alarm is quite adamant about waking me. I stumble through the darkness, slapping the right button to reset the chirp for tomorrow and head in the general direction of the bathroom. I crank the little space heater while I get ready for my day. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is the cold. The coffeemaker burbles none too quietly on the other side of the door. I bundle into my coat and boots, wrapping my scarf around my cheeks, hot mug of fresh coffee in my gloved hand, and I am ready to leave, walking out of the sleeping house at 0315.

I flip on the outside light so i can see to get down the steps. The cold compact fluorescent bulb does little to fight away the darkness, and as I get to the top of the steps I look down instinctively. The steps disappear into total blackness. I pause to let my eyes adjust. The barest of fingernail moons clings to the star-speckled sky, its watery light too feeble to clear my path to the car.

I know that there are rats in our suburban neighborhood. I have seen them scurrying around in our yard in early morning and in the cat’s light. I have seen evidence of them in our trash, prompting me to install a more durable trash can in our yard. Our dog barks inanely at them as they shuffle past our fence. Yes, I know they are there.

But when I set foot on the bottom step and heard a rustling in the pile of dry leaves, mere inches from the toe of my boot, I still let out a bloodcurdling scream that shook the windows of the nearest three houses. In the instant that the scream was dying in my throat, the soft sound of feathers whooshed over my head, ruffling my hair into my eyes. A bird roughly the size of a cat swooped down and carried off the rat, squirming in the bird’s claws, across the lawn, over the streetlight and into the blackness once again. Accompanied by yet another shriek of surprise, followed by a resounding “oh my fuck,” that echoed off the houses and bare concrete for at least a block in all directions.

I expected to be chagrined, and explain with reddening cheeks, my sudden fright to my sleepy neighbors, grasping frying pans, shotguns and metal baseball bats. I expected my husband to arrive post haste on the front porch berating me for screaming in the middle of the night and pooh-poohing my foolish fears. I expected a police cruiser to pass slowly by and ask if I had seen or heard anything strange in the past few minutes. Not a light snapped on inside any home in any direction. A single car sped by, taking no note of the 30 mph speed limit sign. I gulped the cold night air and with shaking knees, sat down in my car.

Well damn. It’s a good thing I wasn’t being murdered. It’s a good thing to know that one’s screams will go unheeded at 0330. Now I’ll know not to waste my breath. I’ll expend that energy doing something far more useful. Like summoning that freaky bird to peck out my assailant’s eyes.

don't stand so close to me

it´s a simple request, really.

it starts out in a polite tone of voice: ¨i´m sorry, would you mind not standing directly behind me? it really un-nerves me to have someone right there where i can´t see them. thanks. i appreciate it.¨

then it moves into the realm of slightly annoyed with a tight smile: ¨no, i really am not kidding. i did ask you nicely to step to one side or the other. please don´t stand directly behind me.¨

then it gets ugly. ¨i am not overly concerned with why you think you have the right to stand behind me and breathe down my neck when you know i am uncomfortable. no i will not run this x-ray machine until you step to one side or the other. now i am really freaked out by your presence. please. yes, do call a supervisor over here. explain to them and me and all these passengers why you cannot take one step to the left or right. i am not holding up the line; i am quite willing to do my job as soon as you get out from behind me.¨

for some reason, this particular dude has issues with female co-workers. he likes us quiet and submissive; two things i am not and likely will never be. while i have not had this particular run-in with him, a friend of mine did today. she is neither quiet nor submissive. in fact, she is quite possibly one of the most outspoken women i have ever met. however happy or angry she may be, her tone is always the same: level and loud.

i just don´t understand why dude couldn´t take one step to the left or right. did he enjoy making her uncomfortable? was it a power trip thing? did he think that since there was a long line of passengers she would just acquiesce and let him settle under her skin like a little parasite?

i heard her ask dude politely twice to step aside. he dismissed her by telling her to just do her job. he even waved his hand at her like she was a little bug. and remained in place. which was actually in pretty much everyone´s way. i had to duck through the conversation no less than four times in the 2 minutes it took to get a supervisor involved. and there were about eight other people in that area trying to ¨do their job.¨

the supervisor arrived on the scene. she told him her problem. ¨i would simply like him to move slightly to one side or the other. it really bothers me to have someone standing directly behind me. that´s all i´m asking. if the president himself were standing here, i would ask the same of him.¨ the supervisor asked dude to move. he did not. so the supervisor took over the x-ray machine. and asked them both to leave. dude was pissed.

it really was a simple request.

and i pretty much would have done the same thing.

mother's fodder

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal(especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

i already plan enough. i plan out the menu for two weeks, make the grocery list, read the circulars and shop the sales, buy, lug and put away $300+ worth of food twice a month. the least he can do is make some of it, especially on the days when i've been up since 2:30am and i'm still on my feet when it's dinner time.

2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

he's already told me i could wear nothing but mud and fuzz and he wouldn't mind. why should i bother freshening up? and what is more work weary than four kids? please enlighten me.

3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

that's what the laptop is for. just ask him. he'll tell you.

4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

i do nothing but clear away clutter all day. it's still there when i'm done. i've concluded that the clutter is actually breeding behind my back.

5. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

that's part of the clutter. i could stand at the front door and literally move my kids' arms and legs putting away their clutter and by the time he gets home, it's all on the floor again. and i don't have end tables either.

6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

he's already decided all he needs in life is a beer hat, the laptop and a colostomy bag. who am i to quibble over a fire? haven of rest and order? count those kids again. the only rest and order occurs when they are unconscious in their beds. and my immense personal satisfaction comes with a AA battery and is hidden in the back of one of my drawers.

7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces(if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

we're lucky if we can wrangle the kids to run in a circle under the running water in the shower once a week. they are little treasures. that's why they are covered in dirt.

8. Be happy to see him.

i am happy to see him. except when he's late. then i'm furious for being put off again.

9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

since he usually arrives mid-way through dinner, it's usually a smile around a mouthful of peas. or something.

10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first- remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

his topics of conversation are generally classified. i've learned not to ask.

11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

if he's coming home late, or going out to dinner or other entertainment, he'd best just not come home at all. we don't have the money for him to do all that and if he comes home after spending ripping wads of cash, i'm cutting up his cards again.

12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

again, that's what he has the laptop for. as long as he can get online, he's tranquil. comatose, for the most part.

13. Dont greet him with complaints and problems.

when he's home on time, yeah. once he's late (and made me late) that's all there is. complaints and problems.

14. Dont complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

what did i just say? excuse me. i have places to go. i have commitments. every time i'm late, i look bad. i realize he could care less, but i have a lot resting on my shoulders.

15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

dinner's on the stove. i'm doing homework with the kids while washing dishes, getting my uniforms ready and packing my gear for work, opening bills and recycling junkmail....if he walks in on all that, guess where's he's headed? to a comfortable chair or the bedroom with......drumroll please......the laptop.

16. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

i don't touch his sweaty nasty lump of fabric he calls a pillow. i won't even touch it to wash its pillowcase. that's his thing. and shoes go into the closet when he walks in the door. what? now i'm supposed to drop everything and run to the front door too? puh-leeeez. i've got real things to do.

17. Dont ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfullness. You have no right to question him.

ha. double haha. if he's master of the house, i guess that makes me the supreme ruling goddess of the domicile. since i'm the one who knows all the passwords, account numbers, balances, where the food is, where dishes are kept, and how to clean the toilet and clothes. without me, he'd be penniless, naked, hungry and prolly have a wikkid CD collection and a staph infection.

18. A good wife always knows her place.

damn right. first place. wearing the pants. and looking damn hot in them, if i do say so myself.

stromboli

stromboli, if you've never had it, is kind of like pizza. in a roundabout sort of way. i use leftovers for the "toppings," because we often have extra chicken, salmon, ham or sausage, steamed broccoli or carrots, sliced green peppers, mushrooms, black olives, and various shredded cheeses in our refrigerator. i let the kids pick their toppings and they "make" their own stromboli. if you use parchment paper, you can write the creator's name next to their own stromboli so there's no confusion come serving time.

you can purchase bread dough in the freezer section of the grocery store. make sure you thaw the dough completely according to the package directions. i've included my 1-1/2 pound loaf bread machine recipe for white-wheat bread dough. it's my kids' favorite.

1 cup + 2 Tbsp of warm water
1-1/2 Tbsp oil
1-1/2 tsp salt
3 Tbsp brown sugar
1-1/2 Tbsp dry milk (*i use dry unflavored creamer)
1/3 cup whole wheat flour
2-2/3 C bread flour
1-1/2 tsp active dry yeast

layer in your bread pan according to your bread machine instructions and set to dough cycle.


you can divide your dough into serving sizes or make one giant loaf of stromboli. i found that smaller loaves tend to bake better. roll dough out into a 12" x 15" rectangle. or divide into 6 smaller pieces and pat out into 6" x 8" rectangles. sprinkle toppings onto dough to within 1" of edges. roll up from the shortest side, jelly roll style. place seam side down on cold greased or parchment-lined cookie sheet. bake for 20-30 minutes at 350*, or until crust is golden brown and crisp.

serve with warmed pizza or spaghetti sauce or alfredo sauce for dipping. serves my hungry six with maybe one leftover lunch-sized serving.

apple cream crumble pie

1 9-inch pie crust
1 8-oz pkg softened cream cheese
1/3 C sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 egg
2/3 C sour cream
3 med apples, cored, peeled & sliced
1/2 C flour
1/4 C sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1/3 C butter

1 - roll pastry out to 12 inches. line a 10-inch tart pan with pastry. trim edges even with the top of the dish; flute if you like. pierce crust with fork and bake at 350* for 15 minutes. cool.
2 - mix cream cheese, 1/3 C sugar, and vanilla on medium until blended. add egg; mix well. blend in sour cream. pour over crust. top with sliced apples.
3 - combine flour, sugar & cinnamon. cut in butter until crumbly. (stir in 1/2 C chopped nuts, optional). sprinkle evenly over pie.
4 - bake 350* for 50 minutes. cool COMPLETELY before serving. (this pie tastes nasty when warm. just FYI.) keep refrigerated.

you can use lower fat cream cheese and sour cream, but it will affect the texture of the creamy layer. lower fat products will make the creamy layer taste grainy.

il niege beaucoup

my first grader had a field trip today. it’s his absolute favorite place in the world. he asks to go there every year for his birthday, so we get the family membership every year. he has been impatiently waiting for january for the entire school year, because he knew that all first graders go on this trip every january. today was baltimore aquarium day. i signed up to be a chaperone and go play with my son, who loves to find the poison dart frogs hiding in the foliage and watch the turtles paddle happily through their underwater jungles.

it was perfect. i was scheduled to get off work at 9:30. they were supposed to board the bus at 9:30. i was planning to take the light rail from the airport and get off three blocks from the aquarium, meeting the school buses right out front. we’d play and talk and have mommy-son time. i’d pack him back onto the school bus, take the light rail back to the airport, get my gear out of my locker, and have the employee shuttle drop me off at my car. by the time i’d get back home, i would have maybe an hour to myself before the kids got out of school.

i ended up leaving work about 15 minutes later than i meant to...mostly because no one told me when it was 9:30. i hopped on the light rail and made it to my stop. i overheard snatches of conversation about snow accumulation. i walked to the aquarium and popped my phone out, hoping i hadn’t arrived too too late. it was 10:21. i noticed i had a voicemail. it was the school, calling to tell me that the trip had been cancelled due to inclement weather. as the phrase entered my ear canal, i counted three snowflakes drifting gently from the sky.

i trudged slowly back to the light rail. as i stood waiting for the southbound train, the sleet mixed with light snow began. by the time i got my gear out of my locker and hopped off the employee shuttle at 11:30, i had to scrape my car clean. i drove 10 mph under the speed limit the whole way home. impulsively, i stopped at the elementary school to see if they were closing early, since i hadn’t heard a single word on that subject on three different radio stations. i signed my three elementary kids out of school and arrived home at 12:45. i was expecting my daughter to arrive via bus around 1:00-1:15.

at 2:09, as the last fingernail was chewed off my pinky and spit into the trash can, my cell phone rang. a mom in my girl scout troop just found out that the bus hadn’t even arrived at the middle school to pick kids up. bus drivers were pulling off of roads into parking lots and refusing to drive any further with high school kids still on the bus. she actually drove past her son’s parked bus, not realizing it was his and she had to go back and get him. she called me half-way to the middle school and volunteered to pick up my daughter along with hers so i wouldn’t have to load up my other three and drive out there, since she lives a block away from me anyway.

dismissal was at 12:40. not a word from the school.

at 2:25, girl scout mom called. the school needs my permission to let her pick up my kid. but apparently they don’t need my permission to keep her there indefinitely without a way home.

daughter arrived home safely at 2:46pm cold, frustrated and hungry. they made the kids stand outside and wait for a bus that wasn’t coming. ass monkeys. the drivers and the school admin. they should be smeared with raw meat and peanut butter, hung by their toenails over a pit of rats and cockroaches and slowly lowered an inch for every five minutes every parent has had to spend waiting for a word from their kids. and when they reach the bottom of the pit?

let the screaming ensue. i’m going to throw rotten eggs.

yakkity-yak!

Today on Kater’s Duh of the Day, we will discuss “What is a trash can and how do I use one?”

Noun 1. trash can - a bin that holds rubbish until it is collected
link for household trash cans: http://www.kitchensource.com/trash/
link for recycling bins: http://www.kitchensource.com/trash/d/recycling/

Trash cans are found in many areas in the common American household. The rooms that use a trash can most frequently are the kitchen and bathroom. Most trash cans have special disposable plastic liners that are thin, yet durable. The purpose of these liners is to keep the trash can itself from harboring great amounts of sticky waste that could produce a bad smell or grow harmful bacteria. These liners, often called “trash bags,” are as varied in size as the trash cans themselves. Some people re-use plastic store bags for their household waste and still others purchase larger commercially available trash bags.

Kitchen trash cans hold food waste as well as paper wrappings, plastic containers, and cardboard boxes used in food preparation. Kitchen trash cans are usually between seven and thirteen gallons in size. If a trash can was much bigger, it would not fill up fast enough before the waste inside began to smell bad . Kitchen trash cans often have lids to keep the smell in and small children and/or pets out. Bathroom trash cans tend to be smaller because far less waste is produced in a bathroom that cannot be flushed down a toilet. Some people do not use a liner in their bathroom trash can; they simply empty it into the larger kitchen trash can before placing it outside for weekly collection.

Many communities are reducing their consumer waste by implementing recycling programs for glass, paper, metals and plastics. In communities with recycling plans, each household is responsible for separating their participating recyclable items from general household waste and those items are collected at different times.

To use a trash can or recycle bin, one must first recognize what items are actual trash. Plastic containers contain a specific code stamped into the form. Depending on your community, you may have to distinguish between certain types of plastics, based on their code, to decide which ones go into the regular trash can and which ones are rinsed and placed into the recycling bin. Either way, plastic containers should not be left on the floor under the dining room table or kicked under the edge of the lower kitchen cupboards. Empty milk cartons are not actually placed back into the refrigerator. They are rinsed out and the cap or lid is thrown away into a trash can while the bottle itself is placed in the recycle bin. Glass jars and bottles are not left on the edge of the sink. They are rinsed out, (some communities require that the labels be removed at this time as well), and placed in the recycle bin. Lids to glass jars are usually thrown away. Cans, such as those used for soup, evaporated milk, and vegetables, are not left on the countertop next to the stove. They are also rinsed, labels removed, and placed in the recycle bin. Aluminum beverage cans are not left in the stack of dirty dishes in the sink. They are rinsed and sometimes crushed before being placed in the recycle bin. Paper and cardboard without food waste are broken down flat and nested together to prevent them from blowing around the neighborhood during collection times. Some communities require paper and cardboard items to be tied with twine. Post consumer waste such as used napkins and tissues, paper towels, paper plates, plastic cutlery, cleaning cloths, and sanitary items are never recycled.

It is important to note that once a trash bag is full, it needs to be taken out of the house. A trash bag can be removed from the house before it is full if it has strong-smelling food waste inside such as onions, meat products or spoiled food. Once the trash bag leaves the house, it should be placed in a large container with a tight-fitting lid. The lid serves two purposes. One, to keep the smell of rotting waste from circulating around the outside of homes and neighborhoods. Two, to keep neighborhood animals, birds and bugs from attempting to eat the waste and possibly spreading it around, attracting more types of pests.

Now that you have a basic overview of what trash is and where it goes, you can use this highly important information to keep your home clean and smelling fresh. Trash cans should be cleaned periodically with commercially available household soaps or cleaners, or the more environmentally sound approach of a vinegar-water solution or a baking soda and water paste. A sprinkle of baking soda in the bottom of a completely dry trash can before the liner is inserted also works to deodorize for a while. Remember: the more often you take the trash out of the house and place it into a large, covered container, the less often your home will smell like a rotting meat factory.

author’s note: i am continuously amazed at how difficult it is for anyone in my house to
a) put trash into the can or bin,
b) empty the bag when it is full (or smelly), and
c) get it to the curb when i am not home.
how hard is it, guys? i mean, really.

yakkity-yak!

today on kater's duh of the day, we will discuss "what is a trash can and how do i use one?"

Noun 1. trash can - a bin that holds rubbish until it is collected
link for household trash cans: http://www.kitchensource.com/trash/
link for recycling bins: http://www.kitchensource.com/trash/d/recycling/

trash cans are found in many areas in the common american household. the rooms that use a trash can most frequently are the kitchen and bathroom. most trash cans have special disposable plastic liners that are thin, yet durable. the purpose of these liners is to keep the trash can itself from harboring great amounts of sticky waste that could produce a bad smell or grow harmful bacteria. these liners, often called "trash bags," are as varied in size as the trash cans themselves. some people re-use plastic store bags for their household waste and still others purchase larger commercially available trash bags.

kitchen trash cans hold food waste as well as paper wrappings, plastic containers, and cardboard boxes used in food preparation. kitchen trash cans are usually between seven and thirteen gallons in size. if a trash can was much bigger, it would not fill up fast enough before the waste inside began to smell bad . kitchen trash cans often have lids to keep the smell in and small children and/or pets out. bathroom trash cans tend to be smaller because far less waste is produced in a bathroom that cannot be flushed down a toilet. some people do not use a liner in their bathroom trash can; they simply empty it into the larger kitchen trash can before placing it outside for weekly collection.

many communities are reducing their consumer waste by implementing recycling programs for glass, paper, metals and plastics. in communities with recycling plans, each household is responsible for separating their participating recyclable items from general household waste and those items are collected at different times.

to use a trash can or recycle bin, one must first recognize what items are actual trash. plastic containers contain a specific code stamped into the form. depending on your community, you may have to distinguish between certain types of plastics, based on their code, to decide which ones go into the regular trash can and which ones are rinsed and placed into the recycling bin. either way, plastic containers should not be left on the floor under the dining room table or kicked under the edge of the lower kitchen cupboards. empty milk cartons are not actually placed back into the refrigerator. they are rinsed out and the cap or lid is thrown away into a trash can while the bottle itself is placed in the recycle bin. glass jars and bottles are not left on the edge of the sink. they are rinsed out, (some communities require that the labels be removed at this time as well), and placed in the recycle bin. lids to glass jars are usually thrown away. cans, such as those used for soup, evaporated milk, and vegetables, are not left on the countertop next to the stove. they are also rinsed, labels removed, and placed in the recycle bin. aluminum beverage cans are not left in the stack of dirty dishes in the sink. they are rinsed and sometimes crushed before being placed in the recycle bin. paper and cardboard without food waste are broken down flat and nested together to prevent them from blowing around the neighborhood during collection times. some communities require paper and cardboard items to be tied with twine. post consumer waste such as used napkins and tissues, paper towels, paper plates, plastic cutlery, cleaning cloths, and sanitary items are never recycled.

it is important to note that once a trash bag is full, it needs to be taken out of the house. a trash bag can be removed from the house before it is full if it has strong-smelling food waste inside such as onions, meat products or spoiled food. once the trash bag leaves the house, it should be placed in a large container with a tight-fitting lid. the lid serves two purposes. one, to keep the smell of rotting waste from circulating around the outside of homes and neighborhoods. two, to keep neighborhood animals, birds and bugs from attempting to eat the waste and possibly spreading it around, attracting more types of pests.

now that you have a basic overview of what trash is and where it goes, you can use this highly important information to keep your home clean and smelling fresh. trash cans should be cleaned periodically with commercially available household soaps or cleaners, or the more environmentally sound approach of a vinegar-water solution or a baking soda and water paste. a sprinkle of baking soda in the bottom of a completely dry trash can before the liner is inserted also works to deodorize for a while. remember: the more often you take the trash out of the house and place it into a large, covered container, the less often your home will smell like a rotting meat factory.

author's note: i am continuously amazed at how difficult it is for anyone in my house to
a) put trash into the can or bin,
b) empty the bag when it is full (or smelly), and
c) get it to the curb when i am not home.
how hard is it, guys? i mean, really.

OMFG

my husband.

gave sharpies to my children.

who colored with them.

as if they were regular markers.

washable ones.

my $1900 dining room table (which is not even three years old) is now ruined.

ab-so-fucking-lutely fucking ruined.