motel 6

 eight days ago, i sent my children skipping off to school, bright, shining, freshly-scrubbed faces, yummy lunches and happy birdsong in their hearts. or some kind of garbage like that. i then spent the day on my hands & knees, sorting out their dirty laundry from dressup clothes, putting away plastic vegetables and hotwheels, sweeping up dust from their dinosaur excavation kits and finding a whole load of cups and lids under the beds. i then vacuumed. i then put a load of stuff in the center of their rooms that was the "i'm not your slave; you will participate in the cleaning of your room" pile, and moved to the rest of the house.

i cleaned the bathrooms, swept floors, moved furniture and cleaned underneath. i loaded and reloaded the dishwasher twice, and hand washed the bigger pots as well. yeah. my house was a filthy cess-pool. that's what i deserve, i suppose, for daring to leave the house and work full-time for a paycheck, while continuing to volunteer in the scout troops and the school.

so imagine my utter dismay to walk into my childrens' rooms this afternoon to discover that the mess is back, more or less to what it was eight days ago. livid does not even begin to describe it. no, i don't frequent my kids' rooms. i don't wanna. i cannot see the the floor of the boys' room, from the clothes to the legos to the books and blankets. my oldest daughter has at least two full loads of laundry dirty on the floor, and another overflowing from the basket. WHERE does she wear all those clothes??? the only thing i can come up with is that she never put away the clothes i washed and handed to her last week. O. M. F. G.

the wii is off. and i mean off. not to be turned on again until my blood pressure returns to normal or tomorrow when i get home from work, whichever comes first. if i have to say "put your dishes in the sink" one more time, it's going to come out as a fist. i am so completely and totally done with this family of slobs. i can't even get the house to remain clean for ONE WEEK. i am contemplating a stay in a hotel for a week just so i don't have to deal with it. which, of course, means i'll still be cleaning it up when i get back.

i am not perfect. i tend to pile things up when i get busy. i am not asking for perfection.

i am asking for an attempt to do SOMETHING without my having to use threats or punishment. i am asking for them to keep the place tidy. i started them with a clean effing slate. just MAINTAIN for the love of socks.

is it really that hard?

more TSA Muzak

inspired by nikya one busy knife-ful monday morning. to the tune of "jingle bells"... you know you want to sing it aloud.

Dashing down the pier
with a suitcase full of knives.
I have to catch this plane
which leaves at half-past five.

I've flown with this before.
I don't have time for this.
Why do you people pick on me;
do I look like a terrorist?

Oh, TSA, TSA: all you people suck!
Thousands Stand Around all day just to make a buck.

TSA, TSA: all you people suck!
You only Throw our Stuff Away just to make a buck.

I wrapped my cash in foil
and shoved it down my pants.
You made me take it out;
what the hell is wrong with that?

You stripped me of my watch,
my cell phone and my shoes.
What else should I take off today?
Do my shirt and pants go too?!

(chorus)

TSA Holiday muzak

many people comment about how cheery i am at work. little do they know that it is a grand facade, designed to get me through the trying times, so i can go home and make fun of the stupidity in song. what i'm really thinking....

'The Christmas Song'
adapted for the workplace by kate

Laptops rolling down the x-ray belt,
crashing right onto the floor.
Gallon jugs of expensive shampoo
and strollers wedged in x-ray four.

Everybody's brought some kind of present wrapped up tight;
we can't see what is packed inside:
knives with keys next to wires on block cheese
with vibrating slippers aside.

They know it's time to board their plane.
Their bags are stuffed and loaded 'way beyond what's sane.
We know that every child is gonna cry
'cause mom packed Play-Doh & pudding (those can't fly).

And so I'm offering an Excedrin
Cause headaches shortly will ensue
May your lunches be long enough and your patience run thick:
Merry-happy-Christma-Channu-Kwanzi-kah, to you!




Twelve Pains of the Holidays
adapted for the workplace by kate

twelve things at christmas that are such a pain to me:

12 unwashed patdowns
11 pocket knives
10 zippered pockets
9 children screaming
8 folding strollers
7 foreign tongues
6 ladies corsets
5 No ID's!
4 ounce bottles
3 chainsaws
2 live rounds
1 cat in the x-ray machine

lemon clove cookies

 for those who have been asking and patiently waiting, i had a free moment. i give you the lemon clove cookie recipe, with and without sugar.

Lemon Clove Cookies
from McCormick's Cooking with Flavor

2 C flour
1/4 tsp ground cloves
dash salt
3/4 C (1-1/2 sticks) softened butter
1 C sugar
1 egg
1/2 tsp lemon extract

1. Combine flour, cloves & salt; set aside.
2. Beat butter & sugar on medium speed until light & fluffy. Add egg & lemon extract; beat until well blended, scraping sides if necessary. Stir in dry ingredients.
3. Divide dough in half. Roll into 2 logs, about 1-1/2 inches in diameter, about 9 inches long. Wrap in wax paper and refrigerate 1 hour or until firm.
4. Using a sharp knife, cut into 1/4 inch slices. Place on ungreased (or parchment covered) baking sheet. Bake in preheated 350* oven 12-15 minutes or until lightly browned. Cool on sheets 1 minute; transfer to wire rack to cool completely.


Sugar Free Lemon Clove Cookies
adapted from McCormick's Cooking with Flavor

2 C flour
1/4 tsp ground cloves
dash salt
3/4 C (1-1/2 sticks) softened butter
1 C Splenda
1 Tbsp honey
1 egg
1/2 tsp lemon extract

1. Combine flour, cloves & salt; set aside.
2. Beat butter, honey & Splenda on medium speed until light & fluffy. Add egg & lemon extract; beat until well blended, scraping sides if necessary. Stir in dry ingredients.
3. Divide dough in half. Roll into 2 logs, about 1-1/2 inches in diameter, about 9 inches long. Wrap in wax paper and refrigerate 1 hour or until firm.
4. Using a sharp knife, cut into 1/4 inch slices. Place on ungreased (or parchment covered) baking sheet. Bake in preheated 350* oven 12-15 minutes;cookies will not be browned. Cool on sheets 1 minute; transfer to wire rack to cool completely.

a two-way street

I've been mulling over my first week on full-time status and a few incidents and passenger statements have really just wedged in my craw. Everyone thinks that they, themselves, are infinitely special and should be allowed to skip the screening process just on their say-so. Really? A terrorist would completely agree with you on that one. Right. Self-screening on the honor system. Go ahead, pat yourself down and just tell the police you have an IED strapped to your thigh. I'd give terrorists about 32.7 minutes to jump on that one and then everyone would blame the government for not protecting them again.

According to the Transportation Security Administration's Civil Rights Policy Statement, "the public we serve are to be treated in a fair, lawful, and nondiscriminatory manner, without regard to race, color, national origin, religion, age, sex, disability, sexual orientation, status as a parent, or protected genetic information." What a mouthful. I have interpreted that statement to mean, "everyone," which expands back out to mean, "I am screening all of you to the same degree. None of you are exempt."

You have the right to be treated respectfully. While I cannot vouch for every one of the other 42,999 officers, everyone I work with treats passengers respectfully while maintaining the standards we are required to uphold. That little blue statement goes both ways.

* When you roll your eyes at me after I've suggested three times to put your cell phone through the x-ray machine and then you call me a bitch, you are the one out of line. Dude, I even said "please."
* When you slam your luggage on my hand and yell at me for "making you miss your flight" while I am trying to help you, you'll be unloading your belongings by yourself at the other end. I got up at 2am; I was here on time. I am not to blame for your initial tardiness.
* When you say to me, with your condescending smile, that I am ineffective and that making you disrobe completely before boarding your flight is a waste of your taxpayer dollars, I am more likely to remind you that There's Still Avis. And if you didn't wear 19 layers of clothing and boots that lace all the way up to your neck, accompanied by a collection of no less than 29 bracelets, necklaces, and earrings that could be used as paperweights, you would have far less to divest. Try one layer of clothes, a sweater, slip-on shoes, and pack the bling.
* If you can read your boarding pass and navigate the internet well enough to book a flight, you can read regulations on what to bring and what not to bring from TSA's website. Most airlines have links to that page from their websites as well. If you "haven't flown in years" and haven't educated yourself, then your bag check is your education.
* When you mis-read the website and decide that you can bring anything you like as long as it is in a plastic baggie, you will be given your options: go to the ticket counter and check your bag under the plane; mail each item to yourself at a ridiculous cost of $20 per item (the checkpoint mailers company is not in any way affiliated with TSA or any individual airport); take it out to your car if you can, or give it to someone who may have dropped you off; or voluntarily surrender it. That's right, I said surrender. No one is forcing you to throw it away. You can always just miss the flight, if your shampoo is really that important. Once you scream at me and throw that shampoo, you have just stepped into the bounds of "assault." Keep that in mind. Because if I'm not allowed to swear at you and throw things, I certainly will not stand by and wear my BarbieTM smile and let you. I can pretty much guarantee that my swearing will trump yours. Don't test me.
* Go read this. Then go watch that. Please step back and get your liquids, gels, creams, and aerosols out of my face. Even if it didn't happen here in America, it is still a legitimate threat. A terrorist can just as easily declare, "It's just hand lotion. What's so dangerous about hand lotion??? You people are so stupid."
* I am treating your grandmother with the utmost respect, but she is not exempt either. She may not want to harm a fly, but the truth is, other people in the world could care less about their elders, or family members who cannot protest or fight back. It's old news, but still relevant every day.
* When I tell you what is involved in the additional screening I am about to perform and ask you if you'd like a private screening in a provate room BEFORE we start, that is the best time to say yes. While you are still encouraged to tell me when and if you are uncomfortable, when we pick up all your belongings, haul them into a private (yes windowless) room and begin the process all over again, you can just hold on to all the complaining about how inconvenient it is to start over. You requested it.
* When you wrap wads of money in aluminum foil and tuck it into your underwear, I'm not going to ask you to drop your drawers to see it. I'm going to deny you entrance to the aircraft until you leave, with all your belongings, and remove it. Yuck. (And yes, I use hand sanitizer after handling money ALL THE TIME now.)
* When you deliberately wrap your box cutter or cologne in your dirty underwear to deter me from searching your bag, guess what? Your dirty underwear will be on display for everyone on the checkpoint to see. I will fan that bad boy out and run it through the x-ray so everyone can see what a pig you are. Then I will change my gloves, sanitize my arms and hands AND the bin AND the table befouled by you and move on with my day.
* Please do not attempt to interpret my x-ray images of your bag. You can't even see the screen. Crossing your arms over your chest, checking your watch, sighing dramatically and telling me that I am "a waste of time" does nothing more than distract me from clearing your bag. Most of the time I'm not even looking at the bag of the person making the loudest noise and insisting that "it's just a cell phone; my god, do you need better glasses or something??" So, um, yeah. It's not actually a cell phone and you wouldn't know, since it isn't your bag. I especially love to tell that passenger when it was a training bag and I actually caught a simulated IED. Eat that, buddy.

You have the right to be treated respectfully. And so do I.

caramel apple cake

from Easy Cooking the Costco Way, 2009

this cake was quite literally the perfect end to a fabulous fall day in our house. the sweet-tart of the apple combined with the creamy sweet caramel glaze had my i-don't-like-apples-boy begging for a second piece. the recipe calls for 5 apples, but i don't think i could have squeezed more than four into the pan without making it "apples with cake stuck to the sides." also, i baked mine in a bundt pan for look-at-me points. made the glaze look prettier than on a standard rectangle too.

cake
1 C packed light brown sugar
1 C granulated sugar
1-1/2 C vegetable oil (we use sunflower)
3 eggs
3 C unbleached all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp salt
2-1/4 tsp vanilla
4-5 granny smith apples, peeled, cored & chopped into 1/2-inch pieces
1-1/4 C chopped pecans or walnuts

1) preheat oven to 325* (300* for a dark pan). butter & flour a 9x13 pan.
2) beat sugars and oil until well blended and creamy. add eggs, one at a time beating well after each addition. stir together flour, and spices. gradually add to wet ingredients, mixing until just blended. stir in vanilla, apples & nuts.
3) bake for 50-75 minutes, or until a wooden toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. a darker pan or bundt may take a bit longer with a lower temperature; check frequently. let cool in the pan (for 15 minutes and invert bundt cake onto serving platter.)

glaze
4 tablespoons butter
1/4 C sugar
1/4 C light brown sugar
pinch of salt
1/2 C heavy cream

4) melt butter in saucepan over med-low heat. stir in sugars and salt; cook for 2 minutes. add cream and boil for 2 minutes, stirring constantly.
5) poke holes in the cake with a wooden skewer. pour glaze over top. serve warm (divine!!) or at room temperature.

coupla camp'n recipes

at the behest of more than one reader, here are a couple of my kids' favorite camping recipes. judging by the number of requests for the soup, it looks like several families will be partaking of chicken noodle soup at our next pack trip!

*Creamy Chicken Noodle Soup*
2 C chicken stock/bouillon
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1 clove minced garlic
2 C chopped cooked chicken
1 C sliced carrots
1 C sliced celery
1/2 C chopped onion
1 T parsley
1/2 tsp thyme
salt & pepper to taste
2 C dry egg noodles

home prep: (i always freeze the meat and veggies i take camping because they double as ice packs in the cooler that way. i can re-use their dishes if i have any leftover soup as well.)
1) cook, chop & freeze chicken.
2) chop & freeze veggies.
3) cook & cool noodles. store in plastic baggie.
4) if using chicken stock, freeze that in quart-sized freezer bags. if using bouillon cubes, never mind.
5) combine dry spices in small tupperware container or snack-size zipper bag.

camp prep: (either propane stove or over the fire)
1) heat frozen stock first, if necessary. otherwise, combine 2 C water & bouillon cubes, add 2 cans of soup. stir til combined.
2) stir in dry spices. add veggies & chicken. heat through. add cooked noodles last.
3) heat 'til bubbly; it shouldn't take more than 10-15 minutes on a good fire. serve with biscuits or toast. serves 6.

FABULOUS on a cold, rainy trip. you can change up the veggies to your family's liking, of course, and if you prefer your soup thinner, just add more liquid. we like ours thick enough that it doesn't run off the spoon on its own. you can easily convert this recipe to a beef stew by changing the stock, veggies, & meat, but keeping the same measurements.

*Backpack Fudge*
1/2 C cocoa
16 oz powdered sugar
1/2 C butter
1 tsp vanilla
3 oz cream cheese

1) combine butter, cheese & vanilla in a gallon FREEZER bag. when squished together, add cocoa & sugar.
2) pass around the campfire and knead in the bag for 30 minutes. knead carefully so the bag doesn't burst! spread in pan and let rest for about 10 minutes. cut & serve. makes about 1 pound. VERY good.