eating it with a big fat spoon

let's see...generic downplay.....i've wanted to get this off my chest for a while. so here it is. in an ice cream dish. because today, it got sweeter.

i had a screaming match with a co-worker last month. i called him an asshole. he is an asshole. he always seems to be in a bad mood and he takes that funk and spreads it around to everyone working with him. he belittles the passengers. he can't seem to figure out how to stand up straight, (ie, he is always leaning on something, anything nearby that can support his weight. and i'm not saying he's fat. he's not.) he is frequently sighted walking away to talk on his cell phone (which no one is supposed to carry with them anyway) and sometimes someone has to go looking for him when he is needed and can't be found. once, i asked a person of management why he is so grumpy all the time and she simply stated, "he is miserable here." well. that makes one hell of an excuse for surliness, doesn't it? i have tried being more sympathetic with him but it is really hard to be nice to someone who is snarling and asking you to do their job for them at the same time, while walking away.

on the day of the aforementioned tantrum, we were working with two other individuals. these two don't often work with us, as they are "overnighters" pooled from several different stations and rotated around the airport as needed, or so i understand it. these two people were berating passengers to their faces, purposefully making fun of them and their clothing, being loud and obnoxious and the three of them put together made for one helluva lousy work environment. by the time we got our breaks, i had had enough and needed somewhere to vent. i informed my supervisor of their unprofessional behavior before i went on break. in the break room, i let a bunch of people know that i had spoken to the supervisor about the demeaning attitudes of the overnighters. a few people nodded in agreement and voiced their opinions about their conduct at that time. in a low voice someone mentioned mr. surly and his usual helpfulness in holding up the metal columns. that is when i opened my big fat mouth and said, "he's just being an asshole. that's normal for him."

i could have said jerk. i could have omitted the first sentence and made a non-committal "psh. yeah." i could have stuffed a mouthful of oatmeal in my maw and nodded furiously in agreement. but i said asshole. and all hell broke loose. see, i didn't know he was in the adjacent room.

he came screaming around the corner, demanding to know what makes him an asshole. i proceeded to tell him. did i mention that he's about 15 inches taller than me? he interrupted me often, not letting me finish one sentence, (thereby not actually hearing what made him an asshole) until it boiled down to him stating an ominous "let that be the last time my name comes out your mouth," with his arms raised over my head. yes. i felt threatened. six people watched him leave the room and immediately said, "yeah. i saw that. yeah. you can use my name." one person continued to eat her breakfast in silence as if she hadn't seen a damn thing. and i'm OK with that too, i guess.

ten minutes later i went to find him to try to talk calmly to him and apologize for shooting off my mouth. i don't like bad blood, no matter how it starts. he was already filing an incident report. and the overnighters? every other sentence out of their mouths in my earshot was, "don't act like an asshole. nope, can't be an asshole here. no assholes on this lane. are you being an asshole?" and on and on and on it went. at least i had the decency to swear in private, not in front of the passengers. no wonder we have a bad name, right? no, nothing was said or done to those two.

i was asked to provide a written statement. i did, including all of the things that qualified mr. surly as an asshole in my book (as stated in paragraph one). i got a talking-to. i was told i would get some sort of punishment because they have to do something when a complaint is lodged, if for no other reason than to say, "see? we did something. we washed her mouth out with soap" i never got to see his statement.

until this past weekend.


he pulled the race card.

may i be permitted to say, "asshole?" just one more time? just once?

needless to say, i did NOT sign the letter admonishing my behavior. i told them i refused to be accused and take responsibility for actions that did not take place. i also said i had six witnesses that were just waiting to be called upon, if necessary. there is more. but i am unsure about what i am allowed to say, since the "more" is currently wrapped up in a neat little bow a few desks up from my supervisor.

on to today and my big fat spoon.....

mr. surly has had an exceptional past month. always on time. rarely seen on his phone. running bins back and forth and almost anticipating when he's going to be called to help out with something. gee, it's almost like he's doing his real job, for real! i have been working OT as often as i can, just so i don't get assigned on a part-time lane with him. i can ignore someone to a point. when we have to communicate, we do. succinctly. i asked to be assigned somewhere else (not on his lane) this morning, and i am so glad i did. i think he has reached his limit of goodliness. four separate complaints were lodged against him today (TODAY ALONE!) for being off-site when he was needed. FOUR. and none of them were from me. he had to be hunted down (guess where he was hanging out? with his two buddies, maybe??) twice yesterday as well.

my supervisor's sup has taken note of my professional behavior both with the passengers and with my co-workers, including mr. surly, in the past month. none of my behavior has changed at all. well, except that i look around the room very carefully before i open my mouth to say anything while on break. not even "how is the weather?" he has also taken note of mr. surly's behavior. i feel like a little kid gloating, "you're gonna get in trouble...you're gonna get in trouble..." but i am actually just letting him knock himself out. and you know what? because i'm generally a nice person (who happens to swear a lot) i almost *almost* feel bad for him.

but i am not a racist and i never will be. that will stick in my craw for a good long while. so go rot, mr. surly.

seriously, an inch thick every week now

Dear Responsible Credit Holder,

We have been digging around in public financial records and discovered that you have excellent credit, including many high revolving balances, on-time payments and early pay-offs. Even though your current account managers send out worthless pieces of paper once or more often every year vowing to withhold your credit information from other credit providers, like us, there is a line of small print in the many pages of legal rambling allowing them to share this information "with other parties of similar interest." That would be Us.

Since we already know about you and your fabulous record of making purchases and making timely payments, we would like to offer you the opportunity to share your paycheck with us as well, in the form of "low" interest rates for an unspecified period of time, but less than the time it would take you to pay off such a line of credit. We will offer you in return a little plastic picture of your choice with a long string of numbers on it, miscellaneous finance charges, the threat of lawsuit should you pay us one day late, and we will of course, reserve the right to send your financial information to other parties of similar interest. This includes any and all charitable organizations operated by for-profit call centers, which are not banned from using the "Do Not Call List."

Please take a moment to fill out some of the little boxes in this pre-printed form, like how much money you actually make, so we know how high to set your credit limit. We want to make sure you are spending every liquid asset you have every month. Gotta keep up with the Joneses, right? Please provide a valid email address and phone number so we can send you spam and call you repeatedly to offer you more credit while you are eating dinner or tucking your children into bed.

If you decide not to reply right away, we will start mailing these letters twice a month to you and the other responsible credit holders at this address. That way you will know how dedicated we really are to getting our grubby fingers on your cash. We look forward to seeing your checks in the mail and watching your balance rise every month.


Sincerely,
Every Major Credit Card Operator In The United States Of America

soup & bread on a coooooold day

Ham & Navy Bean Soup

1 C dried navy beans
1 meaty ham bone
1-2 bay leaves
minced garlic
onion (to taste)
salt & pepper to taste
1 C chopped potato
1 – 1 ½ C diced carrots & celery
1 C chopped ham

1 – Soak beans in cold water overnight OR bring beans & water to boil for 5 minutes. Remove from heat and let soak, covered for 1 hour.

2 – Drain and rinse beans. Return to pot with the hambone and cover with water. Bring to boil, reduce heat and simmer 45 minutes to1 hour, until beans are desired softness. ( I like squishy bean soup.)

3 – Measure out 6-8 C of the bean water into the crockpot, adding more if necessary (1 use a ½ C ladle and just spoon it hot into the crockpot). Place minced garlic and bay leave(s) in the crockpot, season w/ salt & pepper. Add chopped veggies, beans and ham.

4 – Cook on high for 4 hours, then reduce to low. Add water when reducing heat, if needed. Discard ham bone and bay leaves, tearing off chunks of meat and adding them back into the soup. Mash beans a little to thicken just prior to serving, if desired.

*Note: All measurements are approximate. Keep in mind that I have a 6 qt crockpot and make 8+ servings, so halve if necessary for your fam! Serve with hot fresh bread or rolls.

Sour Cream, Onion & Chives Bread (2# bread machine)

1 lg. egg, room temp + enough water to equal 1 C liquid
¾ C room temp sour cream
2 Tbl oil
2 ¼ tsp salt
2 T sugar
4 C bread flour
1 ½ Tbl dehydrated onion
2 Tbl dried chives (4T fresh)
2 ¼ tsp active dry yeast (I think that’s 1 pkg)

Layer in your bread machine pan according to its instructions. Set on the regular / basic / white bread cycle and wait. I love my bread machine!!!

house-hunting in the UQ

for those clamoring for another united queendom epistle: i dedicate my words to you.

for new readers: you can enjoy it too.

The new-ness of staying in a hotel wore off rather quickly. After staying in a hotel stateside for a good three weeks prior to shipping out, we now had to dine in the hotel dining room during specific hours accompanied by probably the worst examples of parenting I have ever met in person. We had no real place to relax, aside from lounging on the bed and watching tv. Everything there was to be seen in walking distance of the hotel was done in less than a week. And I was itching to prepare my own food that had actual taste.

The chef was completely boggled by my request for pancakes for breakfast; toast, baked beans, and broiled tomatoes just don't cut it for me. In France, pancakes are a fruit- or chocolate-filled dessert, not a breakfast food. Frustrated, I brought in a "just add water" Aunt Jemima pancake mix from the commissary and proceeded to teach the four-star chef how to make my breakfast. It was OK. He added too much water and they turned out like rubbery blintzes. Because that's how the French make pancakes. *sigh* So I really really wanted my own place again.

We hired an estate agent to show us some rental properties since there was a waiting list to live on post. Apartments, or flats, were really hard to come by, and in most cases were too far away from post to be worth the hassle. We wanted a house. Our estate agent had a nasal twang akin to Julie-Andrews-meets-Fran-Drescher that just set my teeth on edge, but she had several properties that might interest us. Based on the notes I took and their *ahem* distinct "charms," we gave them each their very own name.

the "red room" house. An older three-bedroom bungalow, one of three properties between two farms just outside of Welbourne. Newer carpeting throughout most of the house featuring an attached dining room, double-glazed windows, a spacious sitting room, and a newly-fitted power shower. A power shower sounded heavenly compared to the hotel tub baths torturing my long long long hair. (Power showers are electric-powered, gas- or electric-heated wall-mounted shower systems that do not rely on gravity to pull the water through the pipes.) No improvements to the property allowed. No shelves or pictures allowed on the walls. Nice house. BUT.... one of the three bedrooms, coincidentally the one big enough to hold the master bedroom furniture, was red. Red carpet. Red walls. Red ceiling. Red door. Red fixtures. Blood red. I was creeped out just peeking inside the room from the hall. I bravely walked inside, turned slowly in a circle and then ran out clutching my child to my breast and holding the rising scream in the back of my throat, fearing that blood would rain down on my head.

notes: the Red Room. NO.

the house of the locked door. This beautiful gem is nestled away in a field, about eight miles from the post. Mature poplars line the property, creating a beautiful backdrop and windbreak across the farmlands. There is a circular drive from the carriageway (highway), so no backing out into high-speed traffic required. The carpeting leaves a little to be desired, but with a toddler in arms and planning for a second baby in mind, old carpet is good carpet, so long as it can be steam cleaned. It is a two-bedroom bungalow and it looks like our California King bed set will not only fit through the door, but we might even be able to fit a wardrobe or two (because we found no closets in British bedrooms) alongside. BUT..... at the end of the hall was a locked, nay, BOLTED door. It had steel plates securing it closed from the inside of the house. Ummmm. Excuse me. Explanation please?

"Oh, right, that's the laboratory," (pronounced la-BOR-a-tree). Oh, right, the laBORatree. Of course. Ah-what? "There is a stipulation that this door stays locked because the owner lets this room to a scientist. He can't get in the house. You'll be perfectly safe. He just does his work here occasionally. He has his own door and his own drive, even; he'll never bother you. You won't even know he's here." Sure enough, outside there is a little dog-leg off the circular drive around back to this little room. A pair of wellies, a pile of used rubber gloves, a bucket, and a box of odd-shaped dirty glass bottles sits outside this door. We can't even peek in the window to see what kind of "work" is being worked upon.

notes: mad scientist next to m-bedroom, locked room. 2 big b-rooms, beautiful prop. TREES!! 8 miles. NEXT.

the dog house. A large, beautiful, stone two-story house with three bedrooms and a study, located a twenty minute drive from the post. No visible neighbors. Large garden in the front and an obvious dog run in the back. Bay window in the front sitting room. Large electric appliances in the kitchen, washer and dryer included. BUT....it was a former kennel. Dog hair was so ingrained into every carpet in the house, that after having been cleaned, it still looked like dogs had just rolled on every surface. The whole place smelled of dog ass. We were told that close to twenty dogs were kept in cages inside two of the four bedrooms. It was obvious that the cooker was seldom-used because there were puppy-sized hunks of fur inside the oven and burned to the cooker's burners. Every cabinet in the kitchen was furry, inside and out. We've had dog fur before. In fact, every year, we find another Dino-Dog hair on the Christmas tree since he left us in 1998. But that.....was disgusting.

notes: dogs. pretty, but smelly. maybe a prof. cleaner?

the skinny house. This bright white plaster three-story town house is located on the corner of High Street and Church Lane in South Kyme. The property consists of just enough space to park an Austin Mini on the pavement, without actually blocking traffic, and a clothesline from a second story window to the next-door neighbor's fence. Sits across the street from the chip shop (read: fried fish stink) and one must drive over a quaint, one-lane wooden bridge into town, visible from the third story. Front door opens one step down from street level into a sitting room barely large enough for a settee (loveseat). Eat-in kitchen boasts a traditional refrigerator under the counter (you read that correctly: three-feet high, including the freezer) and hot and cold running water. (Wow hot AND cold??) all that lovely detail... BUT...stairs to the upper floors were 18 inches high. You read that right too. There were 2 giant steps up, turn; two giant steps up, turn; two giant steps up, second story: one bedroom, one bathroom. Repeat to third story which housed only the master bedroom - and it even has a half-closet.

notes: no room to breathe. no.

the village house. Our sponsor got a lead on a three-bedroom duplex in the village just off-post. We met with the estate agent (not ours) and fell in like with the property immediately. It was on the very end of a friendly cul-de-sac with a fully fenced (odd-shaped) yard, bordering on a horse farm complete with chickens, ducks and a pond visible from the master bedroom. It was newly painted, came with most appliances and a hookup for a washer/dryer unit. It had a wall-length wardrobe in one of the bedrooms. It had an unattached garage at the end of the shared driveway. The grass in the large landscaped garden was over two feet high. We determined that we could wrangle our mattress up the stairs. Our tiny dining room table just might fit with the microwave cart in the dining room. And we could, in all actuality, make do with a refrigerator in a closet under the stairs on the other side of the dining room from the kitchen, if we wanted a bigger fridge. We took it. There ended up being only 29 giant black yard bags full of grass. We lived there for a whopping six months before the cold wind whistling through the cat door in the kitchen froze me out and we finally got to the top of the waiting list for base housing.

Now THAT was a house. It even had real closets.

creamy skillet chicken

a lipton recipe!! i can no longer find lipton soup mixes, so their recipes are gone, too. i have been using knorr dry soup mixes and they have worked just fine in all my lipton recipes.

4 chicken breasts, cubed
1 envelope dry vegetable soup mix
1 C milk
1 C water
4 oz cream cheese, cubed

1. Brown chicken in canola oil in a large skillet. Remove from heat & keep warm.
2. Blend soup mix with milk & water. Bring to a boil.
3. Stir in cream cheese until melted. Add chicken back into skillet and cook until hot, about 5 minutes.

Serve over hot cooked noodles or rice, or with biscuits.

*usually i add some frozen mixed veggies or broccoli before i stir in the cream cheese because, let's be real, the dried veggies in the soup mix are in no way any kind of vegetable serving!

drink dranked drunkened

i fergot to post the myspace bulletin from the other night. i giggled while i wrote. but then, i was drinkening. *hic*

1. Have you ever been drunk?
~me? nope, never, nuh-uh, not even last night. not even right this second with this tasty woodchuck in my fist. oh. wait. i had to put it down to type. bad form. *glug*

2. Do you prefer liquor or beer?
~i never prefer beer. now, cider is something else.

3. Can you handle shots?
~depends on the size of the shot. i can't take much more than a swig, most times.

4. What's your poison of choice?
~that depends highly on the mood, the occasion and the funds. and the stash for that matter. the fridge is a bit on the dry side since i started working. because i can't imagine anything harder than getting up *drunk* at 2:30am to go to work.

5. What type of drunk are you?
~giggly. loud. bouncy. talker.

6. Ever hooked up with a stranger while drunk?
~er, no. he was familiar, but he was strange. so what does that make it? new year's eve.

7. Ever peed your pants from being so wasted?
~a resounding no.

8. Are you a barfer?
~only when i chase champagne with about 10 tequila jello shooters. in a word: once. ever.

9. Do you turn into a chain smoker while drunk?
~um, since i don't smoke at all, that would be no.

10. Do you know your limits?
~absolutely. when the floor begins to move slightly off center, then it's time to eat something with starch before the next round.

11. Ever woken up asleep on the bathroom floor after a wild night out?
~nope, but i had a mark around my forehead from falling asleep with my head on the edge of a tiny little trash can. that was after the medieval banquet in england. i like mead too.

12. What alcohol makes you sick?
~crown royal. well, pretty much anything that has the look, the viscosity, and the smell of a furniture polish/urine blend.

13. Ever chipped a tooth from praying to the porcelain god all night?
~no. we already went over that. me no barfy.

14. Do you crave fast food when you’re drunk?
~nope. doritos. then again, i always eat doritos.

15. Do you tend to hug more than normal when you’re wasted?
~i don't know. anyone? is the kater a drunk hugger?

16. What's the biggest bar bill you've racked up in a night?
~*sheepishly* i've never been to a bar since i've been old enough to drink. i went with all my af friends 'waaaaaay back in the day, but i was the designated driver and i got free sprites. i think i got a really fucking awesome chocolate martini at a french cafe once and it was like $8. yeah. i agree. i need to get out more. but who's gonna pay for the sitter?

17. Do you have any hangover remedies??
~stop drinking heavily when the floor tilts. stay hydrated with something other than hooch. oh. you meant AFTER the fact.

18. Who is the funniest drunk you know?
~um, i don't know.

19. When's the last time you were completely hammered?
~date unknown, but surprise surprise, it was here in the house before i started working. i got sloshed because i knew i wouldn't be able to for a while. vodka and strawberry-banana V8 fusion.

20. Got any friends who can drink like nobody's business?
~not any more. but back in cali, man, we had some bottles to answer for in the mornings, didn't we?

21. Are you a loud or quiet drunk?
~fantabulously loud. the more i drink the higher the volume.

22. Are you a blackout drunk?
~never done that.

23. Do you like Smirnoff Ice?
~not that i know of....

24. Ever drank and drove?
~drove - as in a large group, swarm, herd, horde or crowd? or driven - as in the past tense form of the verb "to drive"?

let's try that again...

24a. Ever drink and drive?
once. on accident. honest. i ordered a virgin drink and (since i'd never had a loaded one) i didn't realize it was full up with hooch. i was the designated driver. halfway home i realized that i felt really strange (now i know i was just a little buzzed) and i pulled off the highway and took back streets home.

25. At what age did you start drinking?
~sometime in my junior year, someone handed me some kind of "light" beer in a solo cup from a keg. it was nasty. i tasted coors and rolling rock a couple of times before my senior prom. never got any kind of close to drunk. my first REAL drinking was done in cali, when i was just legal enough to be out of the house on my very own.

26 Ever been in a drunken fight?
~never.

27. Do you have a nice pair of beer goggles??
~no. i don't think they'd go well with my hair.

28. Ever passed out outside?
~you drunk or something? already went over the passed out thing.

29. What's the drunkest you've ever been?
~it's a dead tie between the medieval banquet and Y2K millenium bash. curious. both in england.

30. Have you ever been drunk with the person who posted this before you?
~nope. we were too young and law-abiding way back then.

31. Which one of your ex's had the most problem with you drinking?
~none. well, fergus thinks i don't get schnockered nearly often enough. does that count?

how i spent my election day

i sat bolt upright in bed at 03:30am thinking i was late for work. then i remembered i had the alarm set for 04:30am for election day. and i couldn't get back to sleep.

i dinked around for so long, taking my time because i had hours to get ready, i didn't leave nearly enough time to pack my "lunch" for 12+ hours.

i was the first one in the parking lot, at 05:56.

the school looks really odd when it's all dark with no kids inside.

you can only vote in the maryland primaries if you are a registered member of the republican or democratic party. i am amazed at how many lifetime residents of this state still don't know that.

even if you register by the 22 january deadline, you most likely still won't be in the system. wake up sometime during those two years between elections and get your business done.

if you aren't in the system, are registered in another precinct, are registered in an "other/unaffiliated" party, or wish to change your party designation on primary election day, you can only vote by paper provisional ballot. in the even of a tie or if the board of elections deems the provisional ballot count "necessary," your vote will be counted. again, wake up sometime during those two years between elections and get your business done.

i was not the youngest person on our election official team this year. i was second youngest, by 14 years.

once you get all the machines synchronized, it is best not to rearrange furniture. it would be bad to kink or displace cables. we "always do it this way," due to outlet shortages and placement, not because we are sticks-in-the-mud resistant to change. ummmm, i told you so.

it is a slap in my face to tell me that you require another judge to sit and monitor me while i load ballots. i am UNAFFILIATED. why would i lean one way or the other and try to skew votes in a primary election? and why am i the only person who needs to be watched? fuck off. do it yourself, then. i am not a toddler.

oh...now you need my help because you don't know what you are doing. hmmm. interesting.

keep your old, outdated, racist, bigoted, sexist, partisan, not-funny, generally-fucked-up uber-christian-reich comments to yourself. people like you are the reason WHY i am unaffiliated. i will not be aligned with people who sling racist remarks as jokes. no matter how many times you repeat it, i still won't find it funny. yes. it was something you said.

people who smoke heavily stand out, even in a crowd, and it is a herculean effort on my part to not curl my nose up at the stink. but i do try to keep my "game face" on.

only 21% of our precinct turned out, even though the weather didn't start to get bad until late in the afternoon. i was surprised at the low voter turnout. i hope that means everyone else is registered as unaffiliated, but i know better. most are just too lazy. our precinct voted more than 2 to 1 democratic.

no matter what type of voting system is in place, there will always be an angry mob of people who think the voting system itself is flawed. well, so are you. if you have a better idea, fix it.

apparently chief judges "don't get paid to know how the machines work." so they all come to me to figure out what they are supposed to do to open the polls on time. i'm planning on getting the big bucks as chief in november because i DO know how the machines work and that is important knowledge to have. especially if one has been "chief forever" and is not much into change.

most of the people working with me as election judge this year agreed that i should bring that up to the election board. they said they would support my shifting to chief.

people who try to register to vote or change their party designation on election day and then get mad at me because the system doesn't work that way need to shut the hell up. i registered in 2005, called the board to confirm 2 weeks later and haven't had any troubles. if you've let your registration go for 6 years, that's not my problem. let me reiterate: wake up sometime during those two years between elections and get your business done.

i am small, but i am mighty. don't you dare tell me i can't do something because i am a woman. i know my own limitations, unlike you old bravados. now, stand back before i hit you with this 75-pound voting machine.

whatever jackass decided to keep the polls open another 90 minutes due to bad weather needs to be stripped naked in front of beehive and shot repeatedly with an orange-filled cannon. most of the election judges are past retirement age and should not be expected to walk on a sheet of untreated ice to their cars and skate home after being in the polls for 16 hours.

the younger volunteers spent well over an hour warming cars, scraping windows and walking judges to their cars for safety.

1/4 inch of ice doesn't sound like a whole lot...but try standing on a solid sheet of it and scraping it from your windshield. i couldn't get a grip on the ground and every time i scraped, i slid away from the car. it was brutal.

metal folding chairs are really hard. i mean really hard. i didn't fall down on the ice at all yesterday, but it sure feels like i did. my ass hurts.

i was the last one in the parking lot at 11:21 pm. it took me 10 minutes to drive home 1/2 mile.