"hi. i'm New."

so i've raised my hand and volunteered for something again. at least this is something i can do while sitting on my butt in front of the tv. see? i'm making time for *me* to sit and relax! i know, i know... but someday i can put all these valuable service hours on a resume, right? yeah-no. not this one. see, this time, i've volunteered to be the Clippin' Queen. that's right, cow-tow and grovel at my feet which, incidentally, are covered with little scraps of trash. behold Her Royal Hiney, Queen Kater, counter and compiler of Boxtops for Education, Campbell's soup labels, and Tyson's chicken labels. oh, and more stuff that i have yet to discover, i'm sure.

so here's what i do: i open the collection boxes in the school lobby, check the expiration dates, count the labels, send them in, and the school gets money. easy, right??

i expected a pretty big haul after the summer months of diligent label-watchers such as myself. and then i got a 30 gallon trash bag half-full from the last label Queen. OMFG doesn't begin to describe it. if i didn't respect the position of the Clippin' Queen before, i sure as hell do now.

first and foremost, what, in the name of prince albert's socks, would possess someone to re-use a plastic zipper lunch baggie to send labels in to the school???? is this personal? because we can meet at the bleachers after school if that's all it is. you pack a ho-ho for little suzy and she brings half home in her peanut butter sandwich bag and you think it's all good to send that sticky bag in to school the next day full of labels that need to be counted? REALLY? that's taking recycling a bit too far. so guess what? i'm not counting it. your effort goes right into the trash.

speaking of "in the trash," those Boxtops have expiration dates. out of the thousands of Boxtops in my living room, i've tossed about $20 worth that are expired. those Pillsbury tube biscuits all expired in june 2009. so did a lot of Old El Paso products. no good, guys. products you buy this week have dates far into 2011, 2012, and even 2013. so, um, where are all these products coming from with dates of 2008, 2007, and even 2006? if the Boxtops expirations are *that* old, you prolly shouldn't be putting that food in your mouth. just sayin'.

being a mother of four, i can totally understand not knowing where the scissors are at every given moment. i have torn the labels off the cans and chunked those boxes up to collect the miniature $.10 school prize. however, could we at least make an effort to cut along those dotted lines that the company so lovingly provides on the label? the little fat Campbell's guy by himself is not the part needed, folks. on some labels that isn't exactly clear, but i really don't need the whole label. especially the food service labels that are the size of an 8x10 sheet of paper. scissors are our friends. just, you know, trim a little bit?

and our final public service announcement goes out to the people who are sending in just random food boxes. check what i got today: Little Debbie cosmic brownies, PastaRoni, Lipton dry soup, Popsicles, Mott's sliced apples (the sticky bag! oooh, fun!), Mini Oreo go-pak, Quaker granola bars, a single Quaker instant oatmeal packet, (insert store brand) toasted oat cereal, Fiber One, Annie's shells & cheddar macaroni (the club store size box), and Land-O-Lakes fresh eggs.... i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this family is either new to school and has no idea what "Boxtops for Education" or "Campbell's Labels" are or possibly is new to the country. either way, it looks like i have a flier to create.

after 15 (non-consecutive) hours, i have grouped the labels by point value into gallon-size zipper bags. seven one-gallon-sized zipper bags and a couple of quarts, to be exact. i have counted 2,000 water bottle labels, 3,600 boxtops, and less than 500 soup labels. (i have to cut most of the soup labels out myself because following the dotted lines seems beyond the ability of some label collectors). and after all that counting, i discovered that the water label campaign was finished in april 2009. i did those labels first because they were the most difficult - sticky plastic things that refuse to lie flat for counting. *sigh* that is what my efficiency got me.

and i've taken a leaf out of another Queen's book: i'm sending out for help. "wanted: someone who likes to sit and watch tv and count little sticky scraps of trash." hm. somehow i don't think that want ad is gonna generate much interest. i need to re-work that baby into something like: "assistants needed to sort school labels for cash redemption. no cold calls." that might work. just get here soon. please.

pumpkin pancakes

3 C unbleached all-purpose flour
1/2 C sugar
1/2 C packed brown sugar
3/4 tsp salt
3 tsp baking powder
3 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp cinnamon*
3/4 tsp ginger*
1/4 tsp nutmeg*
4 eggs
1-1/2 C sour cream*
1 can of pumpkin
1 C milk
3/4 tsp vanilla

1. In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, salt, baking powder, baking soda and spices.
2. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs, adding sour cream, pumpkin, milk and vanilla. Mix well.
3. Pour the egg mixture into the flour mixture and stir until just blended. Spoon a scant 1/4 cup batter onto a preheated, buttered griddle (or a heaping tablespoon for "silver dollar" size). Cook pancakes slowly over a low-medium heat for approximately 4-6 minutes, flipping after 3 minutes, when bubbles break on surface and edges are dry.

yields 36-40 regular pancakes

*for sweeter pancakes, substitute 1-1/2 C french vanilla yogurt for the sour cream and decrease the sugar to 2/3 C. you can also sub in 2 tsp pumpkin pie spice for the 3 spices listed here.

(this recipe feeds 6 dinner-size portions, plus two breakfast leftovers. usually. i don't bother with anything smaller , so i've converted all my recipes to "jumbo-size." you may need to adjust the amounts. or just keep a stack in the freezer! these are pretty thick pancakes too, so you might want to add a dribble of water or milk before cooking. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't.)

kate's eights

 1 - thank you, stacie, for blogging weekly and fueling my desire to do the same. if i can get into the habit of a regular weekly burst, maybe i can wrangle some more long-term and more fanciful writings back into my packed schedule.

2 - why are critters smarter than my family? my family members are too stupid to shut a door behind them when coming in from outside, thereby inviting all manner of crickets, spiders the size of rhode island, and mice into my home. but the critters entering my home are too smart and avoid all the Killer Death i have lying around to dispose of them. can i get a reversal here? although that spider last night was pretty stupid, running under the couch away from the giant shoe and then coming right back out to be squished to death. i seriously would have torn the house apart until i saw it die anyway. good to have it over with quickly. that monster was HUGE.

3 - why is it so hard to be environmentally friendly? i'm trying to recycle laminate at the elementary school. the laminating machine automatically generates a 3-foot by 15-inch swath of wasted laminate between every feed. i have heard other teachers say they cut it down into pieces and use it as disposable overhead sheets. i use it to grade papers. yesterday, i gathered approximately 30 feet of this wasted plastic, trimmed it down and stacked it neatly on an unused shelf. the janitor of the school deliberately threw it in the trash in my face, telling me she isn't going to waste her time with that. sorry, whose time? i gathered it from the trash, trimmed it, and stacked it up. not like i left it in a heap on the floor. then she swooped around the room, threw away a bunch of construction paper (that was big enough to be used still) and several blank pieces of paper, most of which i was using to divide up piles of copies i was making for three teachers. my point is, i am a taxpayer and this woman is throwing MY money in the garbage. this wasn't the first time she's thrown good paper into the trash,nor is it the first time she's thrown MY work into the trash. i'm starting to feel bitchy towards her. so i tattled to the principal on her.

4 - king arthur flour ROCKS. i can't afford to only buy that flour exclusively... it's well over $3 per bag. but i buy the bag and halve it with regular unbleached flour for baking and the results are still amazing. i baked snickerdoodles for my son's class treat yesterday. i had no less than five kids (and his teacher from last year) ask me in the hall if i had brought my famous snickerdoodles. and three kids who are not in his homeroom said, "lucky," and sulked off to class because they missed out this year. it's good to be famous for something tasty.

5 - next week begins a new era of music in our house. we will have trombone and upright string bass. i find it ironic that both instrumental music kids so far have chosen instruments that are larger than they are. so we'll have timpani for hercules and harp for princess, right? oy vey.

6 -so, last night i sliced open an acorn squash for dinner. i'd never had it before, but i prepared butternut squash for my kids as babies, so i had the basic concept down. slice, scoop out seeds, bake. in the middle of this process, my nose began to run. i started sneezing, then my nose blocked completely. then my eyes began to burn like fire. i ran to the bathroom (as best as one can with their streaming eyes squeezed shut, snot pouring from their face and slimy seeds on one's hands). i washed my hands off with hot soapy water, cleaned up my face and headed back to the kitchen. i had just enough time to finish scooping seeds and throw the pan in the oven before starting the whole face problem over again. only this time, it didn't improve with a good, hot wash. i had to lie on the couch with ice on my eyes, which were blood-red and swollen shut. needless to say, i did not partake of the acorn squash for dinner. if it had affected my breathing in the slightest, i'd have been hitting 911 FAST. now i'm all a-skurrd of acorn squash.

7 - camping!!! we are heading en masse to gettysburg this weekend for some scouting/birthday fun. we traded in a HUGE (circa 1992) two-room tent for two smaller (lighter, waterproof) tents. we are hoping to hit a ghost walk for schmoo's birthday fun and another mommy is baking a triple chocolate birthday cake in a dutch oven. i will take copious notes and attempt this feat at a later date. since my pear upside down cake was a success (except for that 2 inches in the very middle), i have every confidence that i can do this one too. oh, and i'm hoping to stop by the gap outlet in search of new fleeces for the chitlins. they miss the gap sweaters they've outgrown!

8 - with the end of september drawing ever closer, it is time to begin work on the halloween -excuse me, book character- costumes. fortunately, they have all decided to be relatively easy stuff this year. our second-grade "Ramona the Pest" will be resplendent in um, a new haircut, a dress, and wellies. our third-grade "Calvin" will have his stuffed tiger in tow for the big event. and for his finale of elementary school book parades, our fifth grader has decided on a nonfiction book.... "Poop: A Natural History of the Unmentionable" by nicola davies. yes, i'm serious. his brown sweatsuit will have different, um, specimens labeled on it. i'm making him do most of the work, about which he is absolutely STOKED.

on that note, fare thee well until next week.

marbeled peanut butter fudge

4 C sugar
1 can evaporated milk
1 C butter (i only use butter, but margarine can be used)
1 (7 oz) jar marshmallow fluff
3 C chocolate chips
1 Tbl vanilla
1 C peanut butter (i use super chunky)

1. In a heavy saucepan, boil the first three ingredients for 8 minutes, stirring constantly.
2. Add the next three ingredients, stirring well after each addition. Remove from heat (keep stirring frequently).
3. Pour half of the chocolate fudge into a buttered 9x13x2-inch pan.
4. Dollop peanut butter around pan, and pour the rest of the chocolate fudge on top. Swirl with a knife or offset spatula.
5. (Optional) Place a sheet of wax paper on top of the surface (to keep it from drying too much while it cools) pressing it all the way into the corners of the dish.
6. Chill until set. Depending on the humidity, it could take a couple of days. Slice into bite-size squares. This is a very rich fudge. Makes about 5 pounds.

avast, me hearties

t'day is national talk like a pirate day, see? the flyin' spaghetti monster deity tells tha' the lack of pirates on the high seas is the cause of global warmin', so help yer environment and be a pirate fer a day, see? iffn' ye can't figger it out, hie thee to a translator. stripes, eye patches, hooks and peglegs encouraged. long waxed moustaches preferred. ye've got no exuse fer avoidin' yer duty to yer planet t'day, mates.

git yer landlubbin' arses inta motion er i'll make ye walk the plank!!!

propaganda - does that come with fries?

 the first headline from an online social networking site i read yesterday made me giggle. somebody actually thought our kids were going to have to stand and take some kind of oath to the president. i followed the links and was dismayed to see that someone had posted a blog, deliberately misleading her readers into thinking she was citing sources for the president's speech next week. when i commented as such, the owner of that particular post (not the blog) accused me of not getting all the facts before making up my mind. he was right. i was dead tired and hadn't done my research before declaring the blog (not an actual news source, ladies, her personal scratchings just like mine) utter bullocks.

research i have done.

my opinon has not wavered.

michelle malkin's blog , dated 9-2-09, posts a video which was originally posted to youtube.com on 19 january 2009. proof? the posting date is underneath the name of the poster on the right-hand side of the video. this video depicts a few dozen starlets pledging themselves to change in america - although i think we could have done without knowing about the guy who pledges to conserve water by only flushing when he takes a dump from now on. and i admit, the guy who says he will no longer flip people the bird while driving is a bit off-color, to those that don't actually drive in real traffic. and the two folks who creepily pledge themselves... yeah, that could have been left out. but that was not the message at all. and that message isn't even the topic for next week's address to the school children of our nation. to the school administrator who probably didn't view the whole video and showed it to the sheltered classroom in utah - kick him in the pants and move on. everyone makes mistakes. to everyone else in an uproar - keep reading.

the department of education sent out a letter on 8-24-09 to school districts announcing the president's address, stating that its primary goal was to empower kids to set goals, work hard, and stay in school longer. sounds kind of like a pep rally gone global. that has the potential to be pretty cool. there are suggested classroom activities to pair with the speech but they are by no means listed as mandatory. there is a video contest described on the webpage as well as several FAQs. from the panic ensuing across the interwebz, it does not appear that half the country has even read the letter or the questions. (hint: click on the colored letters. they are links to what i'm discussing).

this address to the children of the nation is not new. the associated press (a real live news source) reports that former presidents ronald reagan and george h. w. bush delivered similar speeches to students. to say that the president wants to do some sort of swearing in or indoctrination is ludicrous. in my opinion, which is just as valid as michelle malkin's, someone who does not favor the current president has purposefully started a smear campaign on the president's good intentions, just for readership. go conspiracy theorists! wooo!

for the parents clamoring for the ability to "grant permission" to allow this monstrosity to occur next week: get on microsoft word and create yourself a permission slip. or, here's a thought, GO with them! what a concept. parents inside a school contributing to the education of their kids and not a cupcake in sight.

for the parents who say they will pull their kids out of school if their district decides to show it: would you have been that disrepectful to any other president? any at all? there is no problem sitting in the classroom and watching a shuttle blow up or watching the inaguration or watching the moon landing, but the president isn't allowed to encourage your child to be his or her best? how self-centered.

for the parents who claim that the president is a fascist-communist-whatever-else-evil-you-can-dredge-up: just wow. that's all i can come up with. you will be able to view the speech in its entirety after it is posted on the white house blog on monday. take a peek. wow... with imaginations like that, you guys should totally be writing new primetime television scripts.

i pledge to keep an open mind; to view the world through my half-full glass and to teach my children that everyone has a voice, regardless of whether we agree or not. i pledge to continue to reduce our family's output of material waste, using a composter in our yard and switching our appliances to surge switches that can turn off everything plugged in all at once, reducing our use of nonrenewable energy. i pledge to remain calm and keep my friends close, even if they jump off the deep end with conspiracy theories.

*sniff* i love you man. group hug? oh, wait. i've been sitting here so long, i gotta pee first.

ETA: unverified: NPR reportedly announced that the homework/accompanying curriculum has been removed due to parental concern. so now your child can just listen. um, yeah.

UQ 1998-2001

we lived in the united queendom (because there hasn't been a king in the kingdom for such a long time!!) for about 3 years when stationed there in the air force. we were dirt poor, being the junior-most ranked people, not only of the us air force members, but the entire base. most of the time we were advised to stay confined to our dinky little base in the middle of sheep farm country because of protests against the americans "spying on the british." we lived 3 miles from the nearest village that had more than a post office, 17 miles from the nearest city with a "mall" of sorts, and 2 hours by flying scotsman to london. all that during the petrol strikes and mad cow to boot. the smell of burning flesh will haunt me to the ends of my days. so my opinion of the country is probably a bit jaded, to say the least.

we acclimated to driving on the other side of the road pretty well, but i could not for the life of me handle a left-handed stick, so we were really glad we brought our american saturn with us. i only drove that, but dh could switch between my car and his mini quite well.

the first few months we lived there, we got to know the area, learned some of the history and many experiences we deemed "quaint" and "new." by the end of our first year, many of those things we called quaint were now small daily annoyances. i didn't like being called "duck" or "hen," and i visibly bristled at being called a "colonist," as the locals were want to do whenever i was seen in my humungous 4-door american sedan, or if i opened my mouth. our bank didn't communicate with other branches except by post...even though they could see we had money in our bank account on their computers, they told us we would have to drive to the bank where we originally opened the account to withdraw funds. i didn't like being expected to fix tea for the repair people who were in my home to - gosh, repair things, not gab! the hot and cold water came out of separate taps, so one couldn't wash the dishes without alternately scalding and freezing one's fingers with each rinse. summer was the last 2 weeks of august...and that was it. i went through a more-than-mild-but-not-severe depression every winter when the sun came up as we walked to school at 9 am and the streetlights came on as we walked home at 3 pm. the cold, wet, damp weather seeped into my bones and settled there that first winter and i never quite warmed up again until we'd fried in the arizona sun for a week or so after our return. and the only snow we received was a paltry dusting, so we couldn't even enjoy any actual "winter."

we found the food to be very bland, even at the finest restaurants, although i fell in love with just desserts and their chutney and cheese sandwiches. they make the only chutney i have ever liked. i've tasted others since, and none hold a candle to the nectar from this little coffeeshop specializing in tea, sandwiches and sweets. the combinations of food offered elsewhere blew our little american minds: tuna and sweetcorn pizza? baked bean pizza? ice-lollies? mr. brain's pork faggots - what?!? steamed spotted dick? (no thanks, i'll have apple pie.) fish served wrapped in newspaper from a truck - and the fish was fried whole, eyes and all! broiled tomatoes and cold baked beans on toast - for breakfast? i went into the kitchen and showed the chef at our hotel how to mix up a box mix of aunt jemima pancakes for breakfast. and i bought our own syrup from the commissary to go with it. he tasted some and found them "delightful."

we got a membership to the national trust to tour the history of the country that has been around for centuries and often found that a castle we had driven 2 hours to see was actually only a pile of old stones and a brown sign that said (site of). too many of those disappointments and we stopped going out in search of castles altogether.

BUT.....

we loved nottingham. we couldn't make the 2 hour drive often, but every time was well-worth the trip. we picnicked in sherwood forest and toured the art exhibits in nottingham castle. i miss biking the fen roads through village after village, over fjords, passing fields of wheat with no other sound than our wheels and the occasional car. i miss our house in the village, when we would wake up to the sounds of the horses in their back pasture in the mornings. i miss the fresh produce at tesco. i miss roundabouts. i miss the quiet. i miss the occasional high tea, sitting down with friends for a cuppa and watching the world slow for an hour, because we were all sitting down having a cuppa. i miss the christmas faire. who knew that toting a stein filled with hot mulled cider (or cocoa for the kiddies) and munching fresh roasted or warm, candied chestnuts during a light snowfall could be so magical?

we attended a fabulous medieval banquet, the likes of which i have not ever seen stateside. we dressed in medieval garb and the table was served by bustier-busting wenches laden with pewter pitchers of mead and ale. we were served soup in bread bowls and no utensils, so we sopped the thick heavy stew up in bites of bread. one person carved the several chickens at the table and we ate with our hands, as traditional medieval diners would. i had to scoot down the bull hotel's back stairs on me arse to the waiting car so i wouldn't fall to my death that night. it was fun - and it wasn't just the mead.

we had a wonderful time in our brief visit to scotland. the staggering beauty of fresh snow on ben nevis every morning was a sight to behold. we stopped for tea every couple of hours up there, just to keep warm! and that was in april!! loch ness surpassed my imagination in scope and beauty. we tried haggis on toast that week, and although i won't eat it again, that decision has more to do with how it's made than how it actually tastes.

we loved visiting our friends in knaresborough, in the yorkshire dales. our friends could actually see that bridge in the website's pic from the end of their street. we went to the fall festival and regularly bought the queen's "pink lady apples" at her winter residence in sandringham. we did actually make it to london on a few occasions. we hung out at the zoo in london and hit the hard rock cafe once, also visiting the sherlock holmes museum on baker street. and stonehenge is breathtaking at sunset. that is not a postcard; i took that shot in january 1999.

but we shallow americans pined for our pizza delivery, 24 hour stores, ATM's on every corner, restaurants without any smoking at all EVER, sun, chocolate chips, and proper cake. (sponge and rolled marzipan just never did it for me.) like i said, we miss some things. we plan, someday, to make england a stop on a tour through europe...for a chutney & cheese at just desserts! it's a great place to visit, but i couldn't live there.