I have been trained to listen.
I had the distinct displeasure of having a supervisor give me a link to a Fox network show "Freedom Watch" video entitled "Man detained and harassed at airport for carrying cash." Forgive me for not knowing the names of any of the gentlemen in suits. I don't watch tv and they aren't wearing name tags. Fox network spliced up the 25-minute audio into a little over 1-minute sound byte to make it sound like just TSA personnel are "interrogating," but if you listen to the whole audio cut, as I have, you will hear that TSA (which actually means Transportation Security Administration, not safety) stops their questioning and calls in the Missouri police. Ninety percent of this takes place between a single police officer and the passenger....not with the TSO (that is, Transportation Security Officer).
I can hear the sound of metal detectors in the background, as well as the sound made by luggage on the rollers exiting the x-ray machines. This conversation took place in a private screening room, located on or adjacent to the checkpoint, specifically designed for passenger privacy.
I can hear that there is one passenger in the room.
I can hear that there are two voices belonging to Transportation Security Officers, of unknown rank.
I can hear that there is one Missouri police officer in the room, who communicates to dispatch via radio.
A man comes through the security checkpoint in St. Louis with a metal box in his carry-on. The metal box is removed from the carry-on for additional inspection and the TSO sees a large amount of money inside. For the safety of the passenger and his belongings, the TSO is required to ask if the passenger would like to continue in a private screening room. The private screening room is indeed "windowless," thus also rendering it "private," which is out of the public eye. The TSO is required to take a supervisor into the private screening room. Once in the private screening room, the passenger refuses to answer questions about the amount and origin of the cash. Although it is not illegal to carry cash on an airplane, large amounts are considered suspicious and worthy of a second look. Since the passenger refused to divulge how much cash was there, that made him look more suspicious. The passenger refused to answer questions about his business in St. Louis, or why he was traveling with the cash to Virginia. He would not answer whether the cash was his or not. That is also suspicious. Why do they want to know? Well, they bring up the DEA. That is a big fat clue. I determined that they think he was selling or smuggling drugs....which is an illegal activity.
The Missouri police officer contacted dispatch to determine if the passenger had a criminal record. While waiting on the report, a further investigation of his belongings ensued. Once they discovered checks, pamphlets, and other merchandise from the political organization "Campaign for Liberty," it was determined that he did not present a threat to the aircraft. Only AFTER the TSOs and Missouri police found all of this other stuff, did the passenger finally decide to answer some questions. Ultimately, a three-minute discussion would have stopped this whole 30-minute escapade. Dispatch reported a negative outcome on his criminal record check and the passenger was told he was free to go. The TSO then followed proper procedure in contacting his Screening Manager - the man that the Fox network dubbed the "plainclothes agent."
The passenger repeatedly refused to answer questions....stating, "Am I legally required to answer the question?" It is not my place to interpret Missouri law from here, but I can safely say that it would have been a lot easier on him to just answer about the campaign contributions...or sales, whatever he wants to call it. He had no problem announcing his activities to the nation at large, but he couldn't do it in private. Hm. That makes it more suspicious after the fact. As a matter of fact, the last words recorded by the passenger, spoken to an unknown companion as he left the private screening room, were, "That, sir, is damn good recording right there." Sounds to me like it was planned.
After playing this doctored clip for the masses, without distinguishing who was doing the bulk of the interrogating...and placing all blame squarely on the shoulders of the TSA, the Fox network show's host goes on to state that the passenger was arrested, and ultimately "a plainclothes agent" appeared and magically made all the problems go away. False. The passenger was never placed under arrest. He was never threatened with arrest. He was told that due to his uncooperative attitude, he could be detained at the police station for further questioning if necessary. Because of the passenger's continued feigned ignorance, he was also threatened with a pair of handcuffs, should he decide not to walk to the station of his own will. The passenger was free to go mere minutes after the criminal record check was completed. The host of this Fox network show then went on to say, "Put his [the passenger's] picture back up there." A rich old white guy in a suit puts up a picture of a young white guy in a suit and has the audacity to ask, "Does he look like a terrorist to you? I mean, does he look dangerous? Come on!"
There is a messy legal term for looking at someone and determining if that person is a threat: "profiling." The Transportation Security Administration has specific training regarding its anti-profiling policies. It does not appear that the Fox network has such anti-profiling policies, as demonstrated by the words and actions blatantly displayed on this show. The Fox network clearly panders to an audience that wants to think it is being persecuted by some unneeded bureaucratic agency. So, to the people of Fox network and the writers and staff of "Freedom Watch": show me the face of a terrorist. Can you recognize a terrorist? You have to be able to show this terrorist face without incriminating any race, any religion, any sex, any age, any income level....can you do it? I bet not. Because there is no "face of terrorism," TSOs every day face unknown and unknowable threats, from basically harmless, yet spiteful passengers looking for a fight to the very real and continued threats that go unsung and unseen by the public.
I am secure in my training and my beliefs. You want to see the face of a terrorist? Check your mirror. I don't trust anyone.
07 April 2009
30 March 2009
sweet potato biscuits
a martha stewart show (~2002) recipe i originally scribbled onto a
school menu with a purple crayon....and later got sick of trying to
decipher the crayon and looked it up on the net. yums warmed and with
butter. goes perfect with a sunday or easter ham dinner.
bake your yams! you can nuke them in the microwave & puree them in
the food processor or blender, but it works so much better to prick
them and wrap them in foil, tossing them in the oven to bake just like
regular potatoes. when they are nice and soft, i simply beat the hell
out of them with the electric mixer. no need to dirty all the blender
parts.
2 C unbleached flour
1 Tbls baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp ginger
3 Tbls brown sugar
grated orange zest
6 Tbls melted butter
~2/3 C buttermilk (or sour milk*)
1 C cooked, pureed sweet potato
(*sour milk = pour 1 T lemon juice into a glass measuring cup. fill to
the 1 C line with milk and let sit @ room temp for 5-10 min. it will
curdle.)
1. mix first 6 dry ingredients together. Add melted butter and blend until it has a crumbly texture.
2. stir in sweet potato until well blended.
3. add enough buttermilk to make a soft texture. knead a little more flour into the dough if it is sticky.
4. pat (don't roll!!) the dough to 1/2" thickness. cut with 2 " biscuit
cutter dipped in flour. place on parchment-paper-lined pan.
5. prick lightly with fork. brush with ~2Tbls melted butter.
6. bake @ 350* for 15 minutes.
do NOT re-roll dough! it makes the 2nd batch of biscuits tough. roll
the leftover scraps in cinna-sugar, twist and brush with butter, baking
on parchment as above to use the scraps. the more the dough is handled,
the tougher they taste.
school menu with a purple crayon....and later got sick of trying to
decipher the crayon and looked it up on the net. yums warmed and with
butter. goes perfect with a sunday or easter ham dinner.
bake your yams! you can nuke them in the microwave & puree them in
the food processor or blender, but it works so much better to prick
them and wrap them in foil, tossing them in the oven to bake just like
regular potatoes. when they are nice and soft, i simply beat the hell
out of them with the electric mixer. no need to dirty all the blender
parts.
2 C unbleached flour
1 Tbls baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp ginger
3 Tbls brown sugar
grated orange zest
6 Tbls melted butter
~2/3 C buttermilk (or sour milk*)
1 C cooked, pureed sweet potato
(*sour milk = pour 1 T lemon juice into a glass measuring cup. fill to
the 1 C line with milk and let sit @ room temp for 5-10 min. it will
curdle.)
1. mix first 6 dry ingredients together. Add melted butter and blend until it has a crumbly texture.
2. stir in sweet potato until well blended.
3. add enough buttermilk to make a soft texture. knead a little more flour into the dough if it is sticky.
4. pat (don't roll!!) the dough to 1/2" thickness. cut with 2 " biscuit
cutter dipped in flour. place on parchment-paper-lined pan.
5. prick lightly with fork. brush with ~2Tbls melted butter.
6. bake @ 350* for 15 minutes.
do NOT re-roll dough! it makes the 2nd batch of biscuits tough. roll
the leftover scraps in cinna-sugar, twist and brush with butter, baking
on parchment as above to use the scraps. the more the dough is handled,
the tougher they taste.
10 March 2009
What A Deal!!
Rock that economy, folks, wooooooo! Have you ever sat and actually read the fine print on your junk mail? I was in the mood for some light reading, and man, this just hit the spot. I needed that laugh.
First Premier Bank of South Dakota wants our business! It’s true. They specialize in account holders with less-than-perfect credit. (Wait, what are they trying to say about my bill-paying abilities?? Bite me!) So get this, we’ve been pre-approved for a credit limit of a whopping $250! But wait…there’s more!
We have 25 days to pay First Premier back in full, or we can get charged some fees. And that 25 days is from the date we make the first transaction, not 25 days from the billing date. Remember that, mmkay?
0% introductory APR (which is the fee First Premier charges for allowing us to borrow the credit) for a whole year, then 9.9% until they decide they want to change the rates, which can happen any time they choose after allowing us to open an account with them. If our account goes delinquent ONE time in 12 months, our APR jumps up to 19.9%. But we can talk them back down to 9.9% after we make on-time payments for 3 consecutive months after that.
19.9% APR (plus a $5 or 3% fee for each transaction) if we want to spend our credit like cash from an ATM. But we can’t get more than $25 in cash within the first 90 days of the account opening.
$95 one-time Program Fee as a condition of extending credit to us…well, for letting us borrow the money. Okey Dokey. Guess that makes up for the 0%APR.
$29 one-time Account Set-Up Fee as a condition of extendin…wait, then what was that first $95 for?
$48 Annual Fee for allowing us to borrow…I just said that.
$7.00 Monthly Servicing Fee for …can you guess that one? This is getting tedious.
$.50 minimum monthly finance charge. A finance charge is what the bank can charge us for allowing us to borrow the money. Kind of like an APR, right? So much for that 0% introductory APR. I thought zero meant none.
$3.00 monthly account maintenance fee (for closed accounts with a balance of $20+). Um, which is somehow different from the minimum finance charge. Because the account needs maintaining. Like a pool boy or something.
But wait….there’s still more!
$29 for a payment made one day late…plus the APR bump mentioned above.
$29 if we spend any amount over our gargantuan credit limit. I am challenged to find a place where I would not actually spend it all.
$25 if First Premier decides we are good enough for a credit increase, they will automatically deduct that bad boy whether we want the increase or not. And they don’t have to tell us when we get that increase.
$11 if we want to pay them through an autodraft service through First Premier.
$7 if we want to pay by phone or internet through an autodraft. Um which one is it, $11 or $7 guys? Wouldn’t this actually fall under the account maintenance I’m already being charged for? You are maintaining my account by forcing me to pay for it, right?
$5 imposed by First Premier if we want to send our payment by wire transfer.
$3.95 annually if we want to use the internet to access account information , and ostensibly to make payments….which we’ll be charged $7 or $11 a pop for, if they can figure out which one to charge…or maybe it’s both? Who the hell cares at this point?
$3 if we lose our statement in a pile of junk mail and need another copy….wouldn’t I just rather pay another buck and print it from the web anyway?
So, in summary, let’s tot that up, shall we?
Credit Limit: $250
Program fee -95
Account Set Up -29
Annual fee -48
Monthly - 7
First finance charge (minimum) -.50
Available to borrow $70.50 (or less.)
Pay by internet -3.95
Autodraft (rounded up for safety) -18
Now available $48.55 (or less.)
For a single year, it would cost a minimum of $273.04 just to have this line of credit, and that doesn’t include any interest, over-limit fees, limit increases, internet or autodraft charges or anything. If we really needed $250 that badly, we wouldn’t actually have $250 after opening this account. And then to get penalized every month? Just opening the account and leaving it open for 6 months without making a single transaction would give us an over-limit fee in month 5. We have moved on. We live by cash on the barrel now. You can keep your exclusive offers, First Premier Bank of South Dakota, but thanks for the laugh!
First Premier Bank of South Dakota wants our business! It’s true. They specialize in account holders with less-than-perfect credit. (Wait, what are they trying to say about my bill-paying abilities?? Bite me!) So get this, we’ve been pre-approved for a credit limit of a whopping $250! But wait…there’s more!
We have 25 days to pay First Premier back in full, or we can get charged some fees. And that 25 days is from the date we make the first transaction, not 25 days from the billing date. Remember that, mmkay?
0% introductory APR (which is the fee First Premier charges for allowing us to borrow the credit) for a whole year, then 9.9% until they decide they want to change the rates, which can happen any time they choose after allowing us to open an account with them. If our account goes delinquent ONE time in 12 months, our APR jumps up to 19.9%. But we can talk them back down to 9.9% after we make on-time payments for 3 consecutive months after that.
19.9% APR (plus a $5 or 3% fee for each transaction) if we want to spend our credit like cash from an ATM. But we can’t get more than $25 in cash within the first 90 days of the account opening.
$95 one-time Program Fee as a condition of extending credit to us…well, for letting us borrow the money. Okey Dokey. Guess that makes up for the 0%APR.
$29 one-time Account Set-Up Fee as a condition of extendin…wait, then what was that first $95 for?
$48 Annual Fee for allowing us to borrow…I just said that.
$7.00 Monthly Servicing Fee for …can you guess that one? This is getting tedious.
$.50 minimum monthly finance charge. A finance charge is what the bank can charge us for allowing us to borrow the money. Kind of like an APR, right? So much for that 0% introductory APR. I thought zero meant none.
$3.00 monthly account maintenance fee (for closed accounts with a balance of $20+). Um, which is somehow different from the minimum finance charge. Because the account needs maintaining. Like a pool boy or something.
But wait….there’s still more!
$29 for a payment made one day late…plus the APR bump mentioned above.
$29 if we spend any amount over our gargantuan credit limit. I am challenged to find a place where I would not actually spend it all.
$25 if First Premier decides we are good enough for a credit increase, they will automatically deduct that bad boy whether we want the increase or not. And they don’t have to tell us when we get that increase.
$11 if we want to pay them through an autodraft service through First Premier.
$7 if we want to pay by phone or internet through an autodraft. Um which one is it, $11 or $7 guys? Wouldn’t this actually fall under the account maintenance I’m already being charged for? You are maintaining my account by forcing me to pay for it, right?
$5 imposed by First Premier if we want to send our payment by wire transfer.
$3.95 annually if we want to use the internet to access account information , and ostensibly to make payments….which we’ll be charged $7 or $11 a pop for, if they can figure out which one to charge…or maybe it’s both? Who the hell cares at this point?
$3 if we lose our statement in a pile of junk mail and need another copy….wouldn’t I just rather pay another buck and print it from the web anyway?
So, in summary, let’s tot that up, shall we?
Credit Limit: $250
Program fee -95
Account Set Up -29
Annual fee -48
Monthly - 7
First finance charge (minimum) -.50
Available to borrow $70.50 (or less.)
Pay by internet -3.95
Autodraft (rounded up for safety) -18
Now available $48.55 (or less.)
For a single year, it would cost a minimum of $273.04 just to have this line of credit, and that doesn’t include any interest, over-limit fees, limit increases, internet or autodraft charges or anything. If we really needed $250 that badly, we wouldn’t actually have $250 after opening this account. And then to get penalized every month? Just opening the account and leaving it open for 6 months without making a single transaction would give us an over-limit fee in month 5. We have moved on. We live by cash on the barrel now. You can keep your exclusive offers, First Premier Bank of South Dakota, but thanks for the laugh!
23 February 2009
charm city, hon? i think not.
assholes are everywhere. i've lived in four different time zones, and yeah, they're everywhere. but i will swear to all the gods and goddesses that be, that the largest collection of assholes spread across every faith, color and generation are situated here. in charm city.
the place where people routinely drive 20 mph over the speed limit in the slow lane and qualify in the fast lanes while talking on their phones, eating and/or drinking, all while flipping me the bird because i'm actually only going 70 in a 60 mph zone. well, yeah. screw me then. the place where you actually get run off the road while you're lawfully riding your bike. where people honk at you while you're crossing the road during the "walk" light - every time. the place where people leave their grocery carts in a parking space adjacent to the cart corral, then get mad at me when they roll into their own cars. where the four seasons of the year are ravens pre-season, FUBAAA!!!, bowl season, and post-season. if you don't wear purple every friday to school in january, you get kicked for not supporting the ravens. i hate football. i don't care what team it is. i really could care less if the whole bloody team walked off the face of the earth and never returned. keep your stupid red-necked purple crow wearing brats off my kids. the place where you can't back out of your own driveway (or pull into it) without getting honked at or someone screeching around you in a rage for making them slow down to 30 mph on a residential street.
i can't find any info on how baltimore got it's witty little nickname - probably a marketing scheme similar to the one that gave us our 2007 multi-million dollar tourist-attracting motto: "Get In On It." a-wha? your tax dollars at work, folks. can i just have the road fixed instead? the money's already spent? wow. too bad that's all you guys could come up with. i wish i could get paid for absolutely no work. my kids have better ideas than that. but they're getting kicked, so they're busy right now.
i have news for charm city and it's inhabitants. there's more to life than baltimore. i get the weirdest looks when i say things like, "my parents live in another state," or "i really can't wait to go back to arizona." they generally completely lose their eyebrows when they hear we've lived in england. and i still get the question, "so if he was born in england, why doesn't he have a british accent?" please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. and put down the cheese whiz and crab cakes.
baltimore is charm city? i don't think so, hon. if this is charm, i'd really hate to see the out-right hositlity. because that seems to be all i ever see anyway. no offense to anyone i have met personally, because if i've met you, and we're still friends...you obviously aren't who i am referring to anyway. apparently you-all need to start giving charm lessons to charm city!
04 February 2009
good morning to the greater bal-wash area
ahem.
due to the large number of accidents on the streets and highways of the greater bal-wash area this morning, i must say that i am ashamed to live in a state that receives one inch of snow overnight and the residents lose their minds. right out the window. hey, i just had an epiphany: schools are closed and delayed, not because of accumulation, but because of all the bad drivers on the road that put the kids in danger. wow.
apparently those $500 driver's ed classes which are required before taking the written test don't actually teach anything, based on the number of drivers who can't drive in good weather, let alone throw some precipitation and/or darkness into the mix.
rule number one: there is no such speed as mach 50 in a land vehicle. stop trying to achieve it on the way to work.
rule number two: you should arrive to work on time in good weather so you have some credibility when the weather is bad and will not get into trouble for arriving late. then you can take your time and point & laugh at all the fools in the ditches.
rule number three: scrape all of your car windows before attempting to drive. a 3-inch hole over the steering wheel does not count. you need all your windows clear so you can see that mack truck when you change lanes suddenly without using a blinker while attempting mach 50. otherwise your car would only have a three-inch hole above the steering wheel instead of all those blasted windows to scrape.
rule number four: residential streets (that's a long word for "streets with houses on them") have slower speeds than multi-lane highways. people who live in those houses need to get into and out of their driveways without being honked at, run down, and/or killed. drive slower and it won't seem like that bitch just cut you off.
rule number five: ice and snow do not automatically melt when they hit the ground, even if that is what happened yesterday at noon. sometimes the ice and snow make a weird covering on the ground that makes it difficult to drive a car. again with the "slowing down" theme. (do i sound like a CD with a scratch in it yet?)
rule number six: if you are tailgating, that means your car is too close to the one in front of you. "too close" can generally be defined like this: the driver cannot see the license plate, grill, headlights, hood, or windshield wipers of the car in their rearview mirror, but can read their lips and see that they are being cussed out
for being too slow. tip: peeps who slow down are trying not to wreck. back off or change lanes.
rule number seven: you shouldn't be talking on your cell phone and drinking coffee while trying to drive, even when the roads are stellar. um, that goes double for texting and/or catching headlines on the blackberry. if it's not important enough to pull to the side of the road, it's not that important.
rule number eight: blinkers are your friends. the rest of us kinda need to know what the hell you're doing, since you and your phone are obviously not paying attention to the road. especially if you drive in the fast lane and wait until the yellow "exit only" sign comes up before you decide to exit.
rule number nine: your road rage means nothing to me. yes i did just take a picture of you and your license plate number. your ass is on platewire.
rule number ten: just because you pay taxes doesn't mean you own the road. and just because we all pay taxes doesn't mean we have to all drive like we own the road. here's a crazy idea: if we all start earlier and slow down when the weather is bad, chances are there will be fewer accidents and we'll get to work without having to sit in miles of backed-up traffic due to accidents. full circle, huh? whooooa.
due to the large number of accidents on the streets and highways of the greater bal-wash area this morning, i must say that i am ashamed to live in a state that receives one inch of snow overnight and the residents lose their minds. right out the window. hey, i just had an epiphany: schools are closed and delayed, not because of accumulation, but because of all the bad drivers on the road that put the kids in danger. wow.
apparently those $500 driver's ed classes which are required before taking the written test don't actually teach anything, based on the number of drivers who can't drive in good weather, let alone throw some precipitation and/or darkness into the mix.
rule number one: there is no such speed as mach 50 in a land vehicle. stop trying to achieve it on the way to work.
rule number two: you should arrive to work on time in good weather so you have some credibility when the weather is bad and will not get into trouble for arriving late. then you can take your time and point & laugh at all the fools in the ditches.
rule number three: scrape all of your car windows before attempting to drive. a 3-inch hole over the steering wheel does not count. you need all your windows clear so you can see that mack truck when you change lanes suddenly without using a blinker while attempting mach 50. otherwise your car would only have a three-inch hole above the steering wheel instead of all those blasted windows to scrape.
rule number four: residential streets (that's a long word for "streets with houses on them") have slower speeds than multi-lane highways. people who live in those houses need to get into and out of their driveways without being honked at, run down, and/or killed. drive slower and it won't seem like that bitch just cut you off.
rule number five: ice and snow do not automatically melt when they hit the ground, even if that is what happened yesterday at noon. sometimes the ice and snow make a weird covering on the ground that makes it difficult to drive a car. again with the "slowing down" theme. (do i sound like a CD with a scratch in it yet?)
rule number six: if you are tailgating, that means your car is too close to the one in front of you. "too close" can generally be defined like this: the driver cannot see the license plate, grill, headlights, hood, or windshield wipers of the car in their rearview mirror, but can read their lips and see that they are being cussed out
for being too slow. tip: peeps who slow down are trying not to wreck. back off or change lanes.
rule number seven: you shouldn't be talking on your cell phone and drinking coffee while trying to drive, even when the roads are stellar. um, that goes double for texting and/or catching headlines on the blackberry. if it's not important enough to pull to the side of the road, it's not that important.
rule number eight: blinkers are your friends. the rest of us kinda need to know what the hell you're doing, since you and your phone are obviously not paying attention to the road. especially if you drive in the fast lane and wait until the yellow "exit only" sign comes up before you decide to exit.
rule number nine: your road rage means nothing to me. yes i did just take a picture of you and your license plate number. your ass is on platewire.
rule number ten: just because you pay taxes doesn't mean you own the road. and just because we all pay taxes doesn't mean we have to all drive like we own the road. here's a crazy idea: if we all start earlier and slow down when the weather is bad, chances are there will be fewer accidents and we'll get to work without having to sit in miles of backed-up traffic due to accidents. full circle, huh? whooooa.
02 February 2009
Introduction to Using a Bathroom Door
so i wasn't feeling well. which meant i needed to make many trips to the bathroom over a couple of days. you needed the backstory, short as it is.
Introduction to Using a Bathroom Door
(complete with hands-on practical application)
Please gather 'round. Can everyone hear me? Good. Good. Welcome to Introduction to Using a Bathroom Door. We'll start with a lecture and move on to practical applications. That means we're going to play with the door at the end. OK?
You are in a bathroom. What do we generally do in a bathroom that would require the door to be closed? Right! Use the toilet. Very good. Now, When we use the toilet, we close the door because our pants are down and we have things hanging out that we don't want everyone to see, like penises and butts or vaginas, right? That includes me. I close this door because I don't want you to see my butt hanging out. Yep. Gross. That's why there's a door.
Now when I am in the bathroom and the door is closed, I do not want you to barge in at a headlong run yelling, "MOOOOM!" If you have something to say to me, you need to knock on the door and simply tell me. You can't press your mouth against the door and mumble; you need to speak up and be very clear. I don't need to hear a long story. Tell me why I need to pull up my pants and tell me fast. Now let's do a practice with knocking.
Close your fingertips up against your palm, very nice, and put your thumb across them, just like that!! Now, this is how you knock. (knocking) Practice right here on the wall. I want to make sure that all four of you know how to do that part before we move on. (lots of knocking and giggling) Good. Excellent, Not too hard, we aren't a demolition crew. Yes. That's it.
Now that we know what knocking is, and that we knock when we see that the door is closed, and we have practiced knocking, we will talk about the reasons why you might need to actually bother me while I'm taking a dump. Do you have any ideas about that? Should Mommy need to find your most favorite lego out of the 8 million legos in our house while she is taking a dump? How about pigtails? Should Mommy need to put your hair in pigtails while pooping? No and no. Very good. I am not going to make you a sandwich from the toilet, either. We are talking about emergencies. If someone has had their hand lopped off by Darth Vader, yes, Mommy needs to get off the pot. If there is a Mack truck crashing into the living room, yes, Mommy needs to pinch off that loaf and call the insurance company. If the ceiling fan disconnects from the ceiling and turns into an Indiana-Jones-style projectile weapon, yes, Momma should be interrupted to fix that. Pretty much anything not involving injuries or damage to the house is a 'No.'
OK, now here is the fun part. Think of a reason why I might need to be bothered on the toilet. Everyone have a reason? Good. Out. Pretend I'm on the toilet. Oh, No!! Whatever shall we do? The bathroom door is closed!
(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. The stove caught fire? Damn! Stay away from the stove 'til I wipe my butt!!" Excellent! Next.
(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. Oh, No! The dog escaped the backyard! I'll be right there!" Good one.
(knocking hard, til the door opened up) "Fail. You opened the door. Go to the end of the line and try again."
(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. Darth Vader is climbing in through the window? I'll grab my lightsaber and be right up." Nice.
(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. You were playing America's Top Chef and cut your finger? That wasn't very smart. Lemme get my draws on. I'm on my way."
Now we all understand what a bathroom door is for, why it is closed, when we should bother Mommy on the toilet, how to knock, and have practiced doing it the right way. Does anyone have any questions?
Thank you for your time and attention. You can go play now.
Introduction to Using a Bathroom Door
(complete with hands-on practical application)
Please gather 'round. Can everyone hear me? Good. Good. Welcome to Introduction to Using a Bathroom Door. We'll start with a lecture and move on to practical applications. That means we're going to play with the door at the end. OK?
You are in a bathroom. What do we generally do in a bathroom that would require the door to be closed? Right! Use the toilet. Very good. Now, When we use the toilet, we close the door because our pants are down and we have things hanging out that we don't want everyone to see, like penises and butts or vaginas, right? That includes me. I close this door because I don't want you to see my butt hanging out. Yep. Gross. That's why there's a door.
Now when I am in the bathroom and the door is closed, I do not want you to barge in at a headlong run yelling, "MOOOOM!" If you have something to say to me, you need to knock on the door and simply tell me. You can't press your mouth against the door and mumble; you need to speak up and be very clear. I don't need to hear a long story. Tell me why I need to pull up my pants and tell me fast. Now let's do a practice with knocking.
Close your fingertips up against your palm, very nice, and put your thumb across them, just like that!! Now, this is how you knock. (knocking) Practice right here on the wall. I want to make sure that all four of you know how to do that part before we move on. (lots of knocking and giggling) Good. Excellent, Not too hard, we aren't a demolition crew. Yes. That's it.
Now that we know what knocking is, and that we knock when we see that the door is closed, and we have practiced knocking, we will talk about the reasons why you might need to actually bother me while I'm taking a dump. Do you have any ideas about that? Should Mommy need to find your most favorite lego out of the 8 million legos in our house while she is taking a dump? How about pigtails? Should Mommy need to put your hair in pigtails while pooping? No and no. Very good. I am not going to make you a sandwich from the toilet, either. We are talking about emergencies. If someone has had their hand lopped off by Darth Vader, yes, Mommy needs to get off the pot. If there is a Mack truck crashing into the living room, yes, Mommy needs to pinch off that loaf and call the insurance company. If the ceiling fan disconnects from the ceiling and turns into an Indiana-Jones-style projectile weapon, yes, Momma should be interrupted to fix that. Pretty much anything not involving injuries or damage to the house is a 'No.'
OK, now here is the fun part. Think of a reason why I might need to be bothered on the toilet. Everyone have a reason? Good. Out. Pretend I'm on the toilet. Oh, No!! Whatever shall we do? The bathroom door is closed!
(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. The stove caught fire? Damn! Stay away from the stove 'til I wipe my butt!!" Excellent! Next.
(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. Oh, No! The dog escaped the backyard! I'll be right there!" Good one.
(knocking hard, til the door opened up) "Fail. You opened the door. Go to the end of the line and try again."
(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. Darth Vader is climbing in through the window? I'll grab my lightsaber and be right up." Nice.
(knocking) "Yes? I'm on the toilet. You were playing America's Top Chef and cut your finger? That wasn't very smart. Lemme get my draws on. I'm on my way."
Now we all understand what a bathroom door is for, why it is closed, when we should bother Mommy on the toilet, how to knock, and have practiced doing it the right way. Does anyone have any questions?
Thank you for your time and attention. You can go play now.
01 February 2009
not not not
OK.
breathe with me.
hold my hand. please hold my hand.
it’s not a date. it’s NOT a date. it isn’t a date....is it??
my eighth-grade daughter came home from the boy scout family camping weekend with stars in her eyes. wearing someone else’s hat. not responding to any teasing about “her new boyfriend.” and hadn’t responded in any way all weekend long. oh, my.
she showered and changed into in cards-wear, brushed her hair out long and didn’t put it into her signature ponytail. and then we painted her nails cardinal red and i put teeny tiny C-A-R-D-S on her nails in white. she is right this minute at the home of a fellow scout-mom. a boy-scout mom. wait, i have it wrong. she is at the grandmother’s house of a boy scout. he, the boy-scout, wanted to invite my baby girl to a family gathering “to introduce her.”
please tell me it’s not a date.
please.
breathe with me.
hold my hand. please hold my hand.
it’s not a date. it’s NOT a date. it isn’t a date....is it??
my eighth-grade daughter came home from the boy scout family camping weekend with stars in her eyes. wearing someone else’s hat. not responding to any teasing about “her new boyfriend.” and hadn’t responded in any way all weekend long. oh, my.
she showered and changed into in cards-wear, brushed her hair out long and didn’t put it into her signature ponytail. and then we painted her nails cardinal red and i put teeny tiny C-A-R-D-S on her nails in white. she is right this minute at the home of a fellow scout-mom. a boy-scout mom. wait, i have it wrong. she is at the grandmother’s house of a boy scout. he, the boy-scout, wanted to invite my baby girl to a family gathering “to introduce her.”
please tell me it’s not a date.
please.
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