just breathe

 

i complain about my parents a lot. mostly that they don't seem to care, no matter how big an effort i make. in anything. for over a decade, i have complained that they don't make an effort to visit me. never have. missed my wedding. only visited us once while we were in the military, and that was a joint family adventure to visit her sister, because i flew my brother to the east coast to see us for a graduation gift. even now that we have been living in the same time zone since 2003, i was once a rest stop on her drive to visit her sister and really, traffic between us is just too much for her to bear. i have complained about the fact that my brother and i both have pets and they are not allowed on my parents' property, period. if we want to visit, we have to make arrangements for our dogs. i last told them that since they won't budge on their dog position, we can't afford to board our dog for three days just to spend time in their house watching star trek and eating steak. my brother, luckily, has a sister who is able to puppysit so he can go visit.  *ahem*  and yes, that was mother's idea.

so we tossed around the idea last fall about them coming up to visit for my birthday week. in july. i always take that week off.  

imagine my surprise last weekend when i was informed that they (parents and brother and his dog) were arriving for memorial day weekend instead. memorial day weekend.... the weekend that i couldn't take vacation days so we get to miss the bi-annual camping fest with all of our closest friends. so i will be at work. but that's ok. kevin has leave this weekend and won't the week of the fourth, so this works out better.

they are booking a suite at the hilton. of course, it's only one exit away from ours, so it's nice and close. in white marsh. she will find out what traffic REALLY is and how close that one exit ISN'T once she gets here. it is actually about 7 miles away, as the crow flies. depending on the traffic and the preferred route, time of day, how many people are texting and driving on the 95 and how many lanes are closed for that/those accident(s), it could take 20 minutes to an hour to go those 7 miles. she does not believe me. because the map shows that it is only one exit up the 95 from ours. whatever, lady. i don't live here or drive that route several times a week. i tried to tell her that the sheraton and marriott in towson are closer. it's about 4 miles. but that is three exits away. that is obviously much-much further. but there are about 35 ways to get to my house from towson, as opposed to four from white marsh. and a LOT less traffic.

now, they will be driving up on saturday. i work both sunday and monday. they want to do stuff with the kids in downtown baltimore. i don't drive in baltimore, so i suggested we take the light rail. great idea. it is way cheaper and easier than trying to find a parking garage. BUT on saturday, when they are driving here, they have to be at the hotel at 3:00pm for check-in. not 4. not 6:30. and heavens to betsy, 8:00 are you out of your mind??? but check-in is at 3:00!! which means we will be right there near chili's for dinner at 4pm. on a saturday. of a holiday weekend. at the busiest mall i have ever seen outside of the christmas frenzy. so, they want to drive from VA, take the light rail, do something expensive, eat lunch in there somewhere, take the light rail back and fight traffic at the busiest mall ever to arrive at the hotel by 3 pm. right. and have i mentioned the reason they want to eat out is because my mother thinks my house isn't clean enough to eat in? yeah. feeeeeel that love.

oh, and i haven't even gotten into the dogs. i am sure you know that trixie doesn't like other animals. my brother's dog, lexi, has been here a few times and trixie can tolerate her for a time. lexi barks. lexi chews furniture and bedding while my brother is asleep. in the bedding. lexi cries at night, howls when she wants to play. my mother doesn't want to risk lexi eating hotel furniture and howling and disturbing hotel guests. so she thinks lexi should stay with us for the weekend. so that lexi can chew my furniture and howl while i am trying to sleep those ample 5 hours i get between 9pm and 2am on work nights. seems fair.

the hives have started.

exactly why did i want them to visit again?

a rant from my pants

 

to the boys who want to make decisions on birth control provisions in the insurance provided by employers (NOT paid for by taxpayers, that is not even in this debate) which is also deducted from the employee's paycheck:

FACT:  your religion has nothing to do with my health.  if you were muslim, you could not force me to fast during ramadan.  you cannot force me to participate in meatless fridays during lent.  americans kick and scream about "my eating habits are my choice," "i can smoke all i want to and you can't make me stop," and "insurance companies have no right to deny me benefits from my poor health choices," but you think you can deny this responsible choice based on religion?

FACT: none of you boys have ever felt the misery of rotating slowly on a cheese grater from the inside, exhausted and achy, while being mocked to keep up.  birth control is used to help ease a variety of menstrual symptoms such as pain and control of blood loss, which can be dangerous.  oh, you don't like hearing about girlie insides?  is it yucky?  put on your big girl panties and keep reading.  you started this.

FACT: birth control medications cover a wide spectrum of female medical treatment plans, ONE of them being birth control.  they are used to moderate hormones. they are used in conjunction with migraine treatments.  birth control medications help prevent osteoporosis, heart disease, ovarian cancer, and the development of ovarian cysts.  i am sure there are other uses about which i am not aware.  when you eliminate birth control medications from my treatment options, you are now denying my right to accessible medical prevention plans, which have nothing to do with babies.

FACT:  birth control is expensive and must be used consistently, every day of the menstrual cycle (ooh, a yucky word again) EVEN WHEN I AM NOT GETTING MY BOOTS KNOCKED.  i take a pill every day because i am responsibly taking my medicine.  birth control is not like viagra, where you pop it only when you need it.  

FACT:  you want insurance to block birth control because it is ungodly, but want to keep the meds to give you erections more easily.  how about you go *pray* for that erection instead?  lemme know how that works out for you.  on that same note, the surest (and cheapest and least regulate-able) form of birth control is abstinence.  isn't your viagra negating that?  how about your wives just abstain until you come to your senses?  

FACT: for those who still think this is about taxpayer dollars paying for birth control (which it is not): maryland taxpayers pay for my birth control every day.  i got my tubes tied in 2003 while on medical assistance because it was the responsible thing to do after the birth of my fourth child.  thanks, maryland.  i enjoy my birth control and even your insurance plan revisions can't take that now.  :D

untitled, because a title is required

 

coursing through my veins i feel the poison flow.

sour pain closed inside my lips,

carmine to ebony behind my eyes.

bring silence on a platter; silvered dome to blunt the noise.

cover me in black.  i curl into a shaking fist.

tightened bands around my slowing heart.

tiny glint of pointed light, soft, in gathered darkness.

bleed this poison out and let me live again.

oh, the irony. or the crystally.

 

bag check.  (discussion of weirdness in the bag)

kate:  sir, i need to have a look inside your bag.  i may need to remove a couple of things and then put them back through the xray again for a second look.

pax:  okay, that's fine.

kate: (not finding the weirdness that caused the bag check.  hm.  travel scrabble case and blue box.)  ok, these two items are going to be separated from the bag and then all of it placed through the xray again.  that way my xray operator can see better.  something in here is pretty dense and we can't see the whole bag.

pax: not the jewelry.

kate: excuse me?  i don't understand what you are telling me.

pax: you aren't putting the jewelry through again, are you? you can't just open the box and look inside and put the bag through the xray again? 

kate, figuring out that the blue box has jewelry in it:  no, sir.  all of it has to go through again.  do you want me to look inside?  do you want to move into a private screening room so other passengers can't see it? 

pax: no, just look at it.  i just don't want you carrying it over there.

kate (follows procedures with box in public):  ok, thank you.  now i am putting it all back through the xray again.

pax: why??  you just looked at it.

kate:  because that is my job.  i looked at the items, but i have to run it all through the xray again.  the xray will not damage these items (refraining from yelling out to the world that he has a jewelry box).  here.  for your privacy, i can place them flat in the bin like this and then place another bin on top so that other passengers can't see what is inside.  does this work for you?

pax: why are you taking the bag too??

kate, having an internal goosfrabah moment and realizing that this douchcanoe thinks i am going to steal his swarovski crystal pendant:  sir, when i first spoke to you, i advised you that there was something inside the bag that needed to be removed and placed through the xray a second time.  you agreed to this procedure.  you have two options at this point.  you can allow me to finish what i am doing and get you on your way or you can choose to leave the checkpoint and most likely go through this again when you decide you want to come back.  these items are going back through the xray a second time while you decide what you would like to do.

i placed the double-stacked bin and his bag back through the xray a second time, verifying that i had, indeed, found what the xray operator was looking at.  she cleared the bag and the bin.  when the bin exited the xray machine, i motioned to the passenger that he was all finished.  i asked him if he would like me to repack his bag.  right in front of a string of passengers he removed the top bin, waved the blue box for all to see, and told me he would re-pack himself.  i offered the table to him, since it was out of the public eye, but he chose to repack there on the xray belt. 

kate: sir, i would like to point out the irony of your position during our entire conversation about that blue box and how you didn't want it seen, so i tactfully hid it from public view.... and yet you are waving it around like it's a happy meal toy. (insert barbie smile)  have a good flight.

stones. words. same thing.

 

what you said: you are so thin.  are you anorexic or something?  you must be bulimic.  are these your hip bones?  *shakes head*  you need to eat more, and not be so picky about your food.  can i buy you a hamburger or something?  *giggles*

what i heard (because i can't put your tone of voice on the interwebz):  you are the skinniest bunch of bones.  there must be something wrong with you.  you should get professional help because you don't look like me. 

what i said: *embarrassed chuckle*  no thanks; i was very sick for a while and lost 30 pounds before we sort of figured out what was wrong.  my food allergies keep me from eating a lot of foods and my high metabolism burns off everything i can eat.  i make healthy choices and don't eat a lot of fats or restaurant food because fatty foods make me feel sicker.

what i thought: fuck you, you ignorant, judgmental cow.  how about you lie in bed for weeks on end, your body rejecting everything you put inside it, including teaspoons of water at a time?  how about you go to the hospital and have them use a pediatric needle to try to draw blood from collapsed, dehydrated veins?  THAT is pain.  THAT is bruises the size of a dollar around the needle entry site.  how about you go through testing for weeks on end, awaiting results of cancer, parasites, allergies, poisoning, and many more - on edge just waiting for some kind of diagnosis and STILL unable to hold down food?  have a tasty radioactive drink while they take pictures of your glowing insides and then shit yourself inside out for a week after that - and get zero results.  go re-arrange your eating habits and have a finite selection of food you CAN eat, limiting your restaurant choices to about five in the state and hope to god they don't fuck up your order and make you sick.  happened to me twice from starbucks last month alone.  why don't you just shut your face and stop eating?  you are obviously picky about your food since i only see you eating garbage; try something that ISN'T fried.  pick up your pace and walk a little instead of slouching and slogging everywhere you go.  i don't need help because *I* am a healthy weight and right at the body mass index for my height and age.  my muscle tone rocks and i could probably kick your ass if you didn't sit on me first.  bitch.

what i did next:  turned away and wiped tears from my eyes and tried to put it out of my mind.  fail.  sticks and stones may break my bones, but your judgment stings right through my heart and poisons everything else you say.

lemon beer can chicken

 

i maintain that "if you can read, you can cook."  i keep trying to convince my husband of this; my daughter's cooking is heaping evidence in my favor.  so i placed a challenge before the two of them and boy did they succeed.  tasty, juicy, fantasmagorical success.  this is the recipe i compiled at 04:30 am and emailed home.  it definitely did not need to be cooked 20 minutes per pound, as i read in a couple different recipes.  this bad boy is for 2 5-pound chickens, because one bird is just not enough in this house.

2 tsp crushed rosemary
1 tsp thyme
salt & pepper to taste
2 chickens
2 lemons
2 beer cans
frozen green beans
minced garlic & pepper
 
shouldn't take an hour to prep...
 
1 - SHOP:  go to store and buy at least 2 12-oz cans of beer.  (must be
cans.  whatever flavor you want.)
 
2 - SPICE:  have princess, hercules & schmoo take turns crushing rosemary in
the mortar & pestle.  easier to crush if it's about 1/2 tsp at a time.
it will prolly take 20 min.  add thyme & pepper (1/4 tsp?) divide this spice rub in half.
 
3-  SLICE:  have bear slice both lemons thinly - maybe 8-10 slices each?
set aside.
 
4 - POUR:  1/3-1/2 beer into a glass, set aside until #7.  puncture a
couple of holes near the top of the cans.  somehow.  spray 9x13 white
baking dish with pam. 
 
5 - RUB:  unwrap chickens.  remove giblets from cavity and put in pot of
water.  rinse chickens inside & out.  slide fingers between skin & flesh
to loosen the skin.  you can do this.  i have faith in you.  have bear
or someone else hold the salt container (the big blue one, not the salt
shaker) and pour salt into your hand, about 1 tsp at a time.  salt the
cavity of both birdies.  have your salt helper pour the spice rub in
your hand and add about the same amount of salt.  rub spices under the
skin on the breasts and thighs.  yes, it's icky.  you CAN do this.
place lemons between flesh & skin on breasts and thighs.
 
6 - place the open chicken cavity over each beer can.  carefully move to
oven - don't worry about preheating it; might be easier if you don't
have to worry about burning yourself!  bake at 325 X 3 hours.  check
every hour or so.  if the skin gets too brown or crispy, cover the
birdies with foil.  if they start to fall apart, they are done early!!
but i will be home by then!
 
7 - WASH:  your hands, elbows, counter, untensils, etc.  drink your
beer.  :)
 
8 -spread the frozen green beans (4-5 handfuls) into the dish under the chickens about 90 minutes into the cooking time.  sprinkle with minced garlic and pepper.

the chicken was falling off the bone, literally halved itself off the beer can!! juicy, tender flesh, slightly sweet and nicely herbed with places of crisped skin.  the can kept the roasting chickens moist and the herbs and lemon UNDER the skin produces a much more flavorful meat.  it is disgusting, but WORTH the effort.  enjoy. :)

apple cream crumble pie

 

my parents don't like change.  they don't like to try new things.  this is my dad's new favorite pie.... so yeah.  it's that good.  i have made this with fresh pears, too, just add a pinch of cardamom to the crumble topping.

 
1- 9-inch pie crust
1 pkg softened cream cheese
1/3 C sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 egg
2/3 C sour cream
3 apples, peeled, cored & sliced
1/2 C flour
1/4 C sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1/3 C butter
 
1) line 10-inch tart pan with pastry, making edges even with top of dish.  pierce with fork.  bake @ 350* for 15 minutes.
2) mix cream cheese, 1/3 C sugar, and vanilla.  add egg; mix well.  blend in sour cream.  pour over slightly cooled crust.
3) top with apples.
4) mix flour, cinnamon, and 1/4 C sugar.  cut in butter until coarse & crumbly.  sprinkle over apples.
5) bake @ 350* for 50 minutes.  cool completely before attempting to slice!