$15k tag

 

$15k for ideas to make security faster?  you keep tagging me, so i guess that means you want my input.  are you a TSO?  you will be nodding your head and saying "preach."  are you a passenger?  you are not going to like what i have to say.  but i will say it. since you keep tagging me.

first and foremost, i don't think my job is a joke. i take it seriously. my job is very focused.  however, i get it.  you have seen some TSOs who are jerks.  there are some who don't pay attention.  there are some mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers who wouldn't recognize terrorist activity until they were wearing part of a suicide vest from the inside out.  there are some on a power trip who want nothing more to make those around them as miserable as their own piddling lives have become.  some of us are young punks who don't really understand how deeply the events in september cut through lives over a decade ago  - and that is simple immaturity lashing out.  and there are some that are dumber than a box of hair.  that does not encompass all of us.  more than 15,000 of us are former military and are proud to continue serving our country after we hung up our first uniform.  an unknown number of us are also retired police, desiring to continue to serve and protect without the use of deadly force.

the vast majority of passengers are pleasant - or at least they don't show up angry and throw things.  i usually only post about the most extravagant events.  i don't post the thousands of "good mornings."  i don't post the thousands of excited smiles and worried questions.  i don't post about the wounded warriors we escort to the head of the line and take straight to their gates.  i don't post about our team that meets autistic families at the curb and expedites them from check-in to boarding.  i don't post about the grandparents dumped at the curb to get pushed to the gate by a stranger.... and we sit and talk to them because they are clearly lonely and scared.  i don't post about cheering on big brothers helping baby sisters getting belongings together while daddy-o is wrestling with the stroller.   i only post the extremes - which is all you see of us through your monitors.  you never see our good side.  you never see the thwarted kidnappings.  (yep.  at BWI.  plural.)  you never see what we detect OUTSIDE the checkpoint that doesn't make it to the xray.  you never see us buy a round at the bar for the troops on our way out of the building.  you never see what we DO catch because no one wants to disclose that we are catching things.  i mean, what airline wants its passengers to know that their own crew smuggles drugs and cash and we are the ones to pick up on it?? who is gong to take down a plane with a 1/2-inch knife?  sweets, that is not the important part.  and you will never hear it.

but you want to know how TSA can get their asses in line and move faster.  take notes.

set your alarm to get to the airport.  plan for traffic, especially on a monday morning, a friday morning, a weekend, 3-5 days before a holiday, and any other day ending in Y. get there early.  wouldn't it be great to lounge around in an uncomfortable chair for an hour, rather than scream in my face that your flight is boarding right now and you have to cut the line?  why is being early met with such a sour face?  other passengers who show up on time hate people with a sense of entitlement who show up late and demand to be moved forward, so to be fair, we don't let you cut.  any of you.  don't care why.  i have no authority to put one airline's passengers ahead in line in front of another airlines' passengers.  period.  it's that simple. be early.

book your boarding pass in your own name.  your government name.  you know, the one that matches your ID. if your name is bubba, your ID had better read bubba.  because if it reads robert, you are heading back to the ticket counter to re-book your ticket properly.  this goes for babs, chuck, jack (if the name on the ID is john), lexi, AJ... need i go on?  use your government name.  my ticket says katrina.  it's that serious.  read your own boarding pass.  that's right.  read all the words.  if you don't know what they mean, find out.  if you are first class, business class, A-list, some kind of jeweled reward status or pre-check, find out where you need to go.  if you are not any of these things, don't feign ignorance and stumble into the wrong lane and expect to stay there.  i will send you back.  i don't care what time it is.  there are signs in the airport for a reason.  everyone who is flying needs a boarding pass - even little bubba junior who will be sitting on your lap.  don't show up without a boarding pass.  everyone over 18 needs ID.  even if they are still in high school.  especially if they are out of high school.  while you are in line, get out your ID.  if you are using a passport, open that bad boy up to the picture page, especially if you have extensions to your passport book.  take your ID - ALL IDs - out of the covers.  completely.  match up the owner of each ID and boarding pass with the actual person.  make sure that boarding pass states your departure location as the name of the city in which you are currently standing.  hold it in your hand. your own hand.  don't hand me the entire wedding party's stack of boarding passes and make me play "guess which of the triplets is aunt jane?"  having your own ID and boarding pass ready when you are the line leader will make the line go faster.

pack your liquids and check the bag.  the airline bag fees are not TSA's fault.  take only what you need on the plane.  if you are worried about the airline losing or destroying your luggage, then fed-ex it.  it costs the same and at least fed ex will feel bad if they disappoint you.  (we fed ex our luggage when we fly.)  if you must have liquids get the travel sizes AND BAG THEM.  (a quart-sized bag is not the same thing as a gallon-sized bag.  each ticketed passenger is allowed ONE quart-sized bag in a single carryon.  not a bag in each carryon.)  you have no idea how hard it is to enforce a rule when you have to check every damn pocket in a suitcase.  i didn't make the rule in 2006 (yes... 8 years ago, people).  just put them all together.  it's not rocket science.  having all your liquids in one place inside one bag will make the screening go faster.

listen. in my observations, everyone is excited to be going somewhere and the ears switch off or become decorations entirely.  listen.  i know you are discussing how badly uncle bucky messed up during the wedding toast last night, but i am trying to talk to you.  yes, you with the flip flops and the cell phone.  i have been talking to you and now that you are in my face telling me you didn't know that cell phones were metal, you are holding up the line.  it sounds like i am shouting because there are thousands of you.  literally.  11,000 of you today alone.  i am not angry, i am trying to be heard.  please just listen for a bit, pay attention to your surroundings so you know what to expect coming up.  that will make the line move faster.

got your ticket checked.... good.  UNLESS SOMEONE TOLD YOU OTHERWISE put it away.  inside a bag that can be closed.  put your ID back where it goes, wherever that may be, as long as it is not your pocket.  don't care what line you are in, empty your pockets.  just try it.  pockets are found on shirts, shorts, dresses, skirts, pants.... and are found in both the front and back and even on the sides.  empty those pockets directly into a carryon bag and zip it shut.  every thing.  every tissue, gum wrapper, coin, key, electronic bit, bluetooth, pill, chapstick, hair tie, boarding pass, ID, comb, handkerchief, condom, granola bar, glasses case, toy car, pacifier, burger king receipt, battery, pack of cigarettes, book of matches, wallet, lip gloss, ipod, headphones, cell phone, pen .... e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. .... the less you have in your pocket, the less time i spend asking what else you left in your pocket and the less time i spend walking your pocket loot to the front of the xray and sending it back through.  better yet, start the day by not putting anything in your pockets at all.  really emptying your pockets will keep the line moving faster.

pack your carryon neatly.  if it takes you a full five minutes to find your license, you expect me to search that same bag from the inside out in less time?  searching a bag that is an effing tangled mess of cords, chargers, hangers, shavers, liquid bottles all over the place, 90 pairs of shoes and enough jewelry to snap the spine of a thoroughbred....clean it up so i can see through it.  the less time i have to sort out your room, the faster you can be on your way.  having a tidy bag will make it easier to screen your luggage and make the line go faster. 

i don't care what the rule is.  take your electronics out. all of them.  if you need five bins for your cameras, laptops, kindles, ipads, printers, and hard drives, MAYBE YOU BROUGHT TOO MUCH.  consider that when the xray operator is straining to see through that office on wheels and asks for some junk to be removed and sent back through.  don't like it?  don't bring it.  is it too much to ask to be able to see your property... that is my job after all....  cutting down on the amount of property to be screened will make the line go faster.

*sigh* strollers:  yes.  baby must come out.  yes.  out of both the stroller and the carseat.  all property goes in the xray.  no i can't do it for you.  yes, i can call someone to help you but it might be a minute.  if you absolutely need to bring the biggest stroller you can find, please know how it works.  for all but newborns who can't yet hold up their own heads, the umbrella stroller is your best friend.  (i have four kids. i only fly with an umbrella stroller.)  the bigger the wheel base, the less likely your humvee will fit into the xray for efficient screening.  then we have to empty out the bottom of the stroller, screen everything you left behind, and check the stroller by hand.  not fast.  and those carseats that you attach to a pullcart or whatever?  yeah.  your carseat *would* have fit inside the xray, but you don't know how to unhook it (hmmm the wheels have to come off to fit in the car, sweetheart.  i am not dumb.)  if you check the suburban stroller under the plane, the umbrella will get you to the gate.  if your child is in a carseat for the plane ride (yep, mine were), you really don't need the biggest seats on the market.  when we screen your carseats by hand... nope.  not fast. 

do not talk to the xray operator.  do not talk to the xray operator.  unless the talk is "help! uncle buck got stuck in the xray!!"  _do_not_talk_ to the xray operator.  find someone else.  asking the xray operator to find your boarding pass/shoe/luggage/gate/bathroom/the food court will cause the xray operator to stop the belt.  turn around.  engage in conversation with you.  then have to engage in conversation with their network because they can't likely help you. then re-focus on the screen and get started again.  _do_not_talk_ to the xray operator so the line will keep moving.

once you have made it through, if you were one of those who has a flotilla of bowls full of the property you failed to divest from your pockets as requested, please pick up your biggest luggage off the rollers and MOVE IT.  biggest bags first, then go back for the smaller stuff.  clearly, if you have a stroller and five bins of electronics, you will be needing some time.  but move the bags.  move the stroller.  don't hang out by the safety cage AND DON'T REACH IN, even if you think something is "stuck."  nine times out of ten, i am looking at something on my screen.  i am not looking at you.  i am not interested in fetching your shoe.  it will come out.  promise.  even when the machine breaks (and they do) the shoes come out.  i don't notice when you (or your unattended child) reach in for that shoe, lean on my conveyor, and when i start the belt up, you smash your face.  filing an injury report is DEFINITELY not fast.  once your property rolls out, slide all the way down away from the safety cage as you can.  bags off first.  then the small stuff.  moving away from the choke points and re-assembling your property at the end of the lane makes the line move faster.

i already move a full speed.  most people can't keep up with me.  i am not going to move faster for anyone.  i screen one passenger at a time, one bag at a time.  because i screen everyone as if my children were on the plane with you.  that kind of meticulous care is not fast.  it is thorough.  it is fair.  it is equal.  if you do not care for the meticulous screening i provide to uphold my promise to protect the nation's transportation systems (which includes those people who hate me for doing my job)....

There's Still Avis.