few and smallish

in maryland, when someone slows their car at a stop sign, crosswalk, or when traffic in front of them has for some reason stopped, it is OK to simply screech around the slowing vehicle, even if it means they will more than likely hit a pedestrian, another car, or the car that was originally in front of them. really. it is. i watched it happen four times today alone. i was the slowing car in every instance. therefore i am a bastard.

our house is actually a giant trash can. we live inside it. it doesn't have a flip-top lid, though. it is pretty convenient to live inside a giant trash can, especially for my offspring. that way they can just spit food onto the floor, we never have to clean or bathe, any toys or books or clothes on the floor can be broken or dirty or not. whatever. such is the life in a trash can.

when you travel by air, make sure you wrap small electrical devices in lumpy masking tape packages with odd ends poking out- for security, so they don't bounce around inside the luggage with all the other electrical devices. when wrapping the tape around and around, make it as uneven and make-shift as possible. that way, when someone checks inside your bag and they immediately call for a supervisor and everything you own is pulled out to be indiviually inspected while you look on behind a glass partition, you will have an exciting story to rant about when you finally arrive at your destination. beacause those airport security guys just profile the hell out of everyone, huh?

when you break your state or government issued ID card by using it improperly to, say, open a locked door or entertain a small child or animal as a chew toy, make sure you wait until it actually expires before getting a new one. it couldn't possibly look fraudulent when it's only snapped into two pieces. and it costs a fortune to replace: $15 and a whole afternoon at the department of motor vehicles. i mean, it is a lot to ask to have valid-looking ID for identification purposes. oh, and that line on the passort that says "not valid unless signed" means abolutely nothing. especially to theives who can make about $25K on each passport they can lift without a siggy.

if you work at a job that requires the use of a writing utensil, it is a great idea to actually have a writing utensil on your person when doing your job. for instance, if you are paid to initial small pieces of paper to identify them as being valid pieces of paper for travel, you must certainly have something with which to make your initials on said papers. like a pen. or a pencil. a sharpie or highlighter might work well, although not usually a first choice. so when you show up for your job without a writing ustensil, you need to find one. borrow one. go to the shop 15 feet away from the break room and buy one. bite off the tip of your finger and write with your blood i don't care but do not under any circumstances continue to do your job without a writing utensil and expect everyone around you to "assume" you have done your job even though you have no pen to make your initials. hold still while i show you what my pen looks like by stabbing you in the eye with it. that is what happens when i have to re-do your job (with my very own pen, even) and have 100 angry passengers in front of me and 20 angry co-workers behind me who all think I am failing to do my job because i am busy re-doing yours while doing mine at the same time. *ahem* deep calming breaths......

i have been informed that when wearing "business casual" attire, one must not wear a work uniform, jeans of any color, any type of open-toed shoes, stockings with seams, sleeveless shirts, blouses that allow pachangas to jiggle out, skirts shorter than one's ass, any type of athletic shoe, or any kind of tee-shirt. so i went out in search of clothing for a two-day training class that requires business casual attire since i only own the aforementioned types of clothing. after spending $80 on a pretty sundress (with a short-sleeved cardigan to cover the spaghetti straps), a nice skirt and short-sleeved button shirt combo and a pair of chic white pumps to match both outfits, i was dismayed to learn that dresses are not considered "business casual" attire either. nor are white shoes with or without heels. you know what? fuckit. i'm wearing the clothes i bought. if they don't like it, next time i'll just wear my uniform.

someone i know had a massive "failure to communicate" moment at her job the other day. it wasn't me for a change. "joan" was screening a passenger wearing a large amount of jewelry. everyone i know already has the understanding that one should put the bling-bling away before walking through a metal detector. this lady is someone i do not know. joan calmly informed the passenger that she would be patting down her arms, torso, and a portion of her legs. the woman burst into tears and cried, "you're going to cut off my ARMS???" in between one blink and the next, joan's head whirled with thoughts. thoughts that she did not speak aloud. joan thought, "of course we're going to cut off your arms. that's what happens when you wear a lot of jewelry, dumbass. after we cut your arms off, we're going to x-ray them and then beat you with them. that way only your fingerprints will be on your body. what you do with your bloody stumps after that is your choice. your gate is on the right hand side." joan said, "uh...no, ma'am, i will PAT your arms." she didn't even laugh in the woman's face. joan showed great professionalism by remaining calm and not cutting off the woman's arms, even after she deserved it. she exceeds the standards set by this organization and is presented with the "ooooosaaaaah award for cool thinking under the influence of stupidity." congratulations, joan.

here ends the rant. nothing follows.