seriously, an inch thick every week now

Dear Responsible Credit Holder,

We have been digging around in public financial records and discovered that you have excellent credit, including many high revolving balances, on-time payments and early pay-offs. Even though your current account managers send out worthless pieces of paper once or more often every year vowing to withhold your credit information from other credit providers, like us, there is a line of small print in the many pages of legal rambling allowing them to share this information "with other parties of similar interest." That would be Us.

Since we already know about you and your fabulous record of making purchases and making timely payments, we would like to offer you the opportunity to share your paycheck with us as well, in the form of "low" interest rates for an unspecified period of time, but less than the time it would take you to pay off such a line of credit. We will offer you in return a little plastic picture of your choice with a long string of numbers on it, miscellaneous finance charges, the threat of lawsuit should you pay us one day late, and we will of course, reserve the right to send your financial information to other parties of similar interest. This includes any and all charitable organizations operated by for-profit call centers, which are not banned from using the "Do Not Call List."

Please take a moment to fill out some of the little boxes in this pre-printed form, like how much money you actually make, so we know how high to set your credit limit. We want to make sure you are spending every liquid asset you have every month. Gotta keep up with the Joneses, right? Please provide a valid email address and phone number so we can send you spam and call you repeatedly to offer you more credit while you are eating dinner or tucking your children into bed.

If you decide not to reply right away, we will start mailing these letters twice a month to you and the other responsible credit holders at this address. That way you will know how dedicated we really are to getting our grubby fingers on your cash. We look forward to seeing your checks in the mail and watching your balance rise every month.


Sincerely,
Every Major Credit Card Operator In The United States Of America