IQ infusion at 10 am, please

i swear GNC or some organization of that persuasion was selling stupid pills in bulk on sale last week.

i swear the majority of people flying out of the greater bal-wash area this past week were hopped up on stupid pills.

i swear i speak english 99.9999999% of the time, so it can't be me that is the problem.

where did all the stupid people come from? really. i seriously need to know before i go back to work again tomorrow. we are talking about a bigger breed of stupid than usual. it's less responsive to the spoken language. it's more resistant to reason. and, (i have to know this also) how can i actually feel my IQ dropping after 10 am when the stupid people enter the airport?

when you see a rope stretched across an area, and right next to that rope is a kind of a doorway, and on the other side of the doorway is another rope..... where should you enter? i mean really? should we limbo? maestro... a calypso beat, if you don't mind. maybe that's part of the test. you can't get on the plane if you can't crawl under this rope. my money's on the magic doorway, personally. and then you won't have to push on grandma's head to get her ducked under the rope. i'm so not kidding. keep laughing.

the guidelines for carryon luggage are actually posted on the internet on every airline's website and the website for tsa. really. go look. unless you live under a rock, you know that there's some kind of deal with liquids and there has been some kind of deal with liquids since 2006. so you'd know to either not bring them with you at all or find a way to get the guidelines and figure out what you can and cannot bring. (and if you live under a rock, you probably can't operate a seatbelt, telephone, or a mouse and therefore shouldn't get on an airplane anyway.) now that you're in the airport with things you cannot have, you need to follow the rules and not argue with those of us that do not live under rocks and know the guidelines inside and out; especially those of us that have the power to take your airline tickets away from you if you threaten us with bodily harm. i need a supervisor and a law enforcement officer on lane two, please.

stop the x-ray machine, please. we have four options here for that duffel bag, miss. we can continue to try to balance that bad boy on top of two grey bins. or we could line up four little blue bowls and see if it fits any better on top of those. we could put the bag directly on the x-ray belt, since it clearly is too big for the bins and bowls. or lastly, we could stand two bins up on their edges and squish the bag in between them, kind of like making a box. i'm gonna go for option c, but that's just my expert opinion. you do what feels right to you, mmkay? roll the belt and let's see what she decides.

if you have a prescription from a doctor for an over-the-counter bottle of liquid, you pretty much need the little sticker part that says RX on it for it to be a prescription. if it came in a box with a sticker..... you pretty much need the box with the sticker. the phrase "prescription strength" doesn't cut it. buh-bye. in the trash. yes, even $20 tubs of butt-cream and $68 bottles of acne wash.

you can be angry. but do not be angry at me for your ignorance.

i told you not to wrap those presents. i totally wasn't kidding. no, i don't have any scotch tape.

"please take your large electronic items out of their bags." "put them into a grey bin all by themselves, lonely, alone, scared and afraid." "all by themselves means nothing on top or underneath." did i stutter? did i accidentally slip into swahili? what part did you miss? the pronoun? it was implied. it was you, plural, meaning all of y'all. if you take a laptop out of it's bag, and then put the bag on top of it........ wait for it........ this is good, i promise....... it, uh, looks to me like it's still in the bag, folks. that's why i said "all by itself." don't make me come out there and teach bin 101, using your laptop as an example.

honey, i'm wearing shoes. i'm not trying to take your shoes. you and your 8,122 bags are seriously clogging up my lane and i want you to move faster. here are your shoes. next time, i'd opt for slip ons, as opposed to those thigh-high lace-up jobbies. and what the hell is the deal with all the 2 year olds wearing metal-studded belts? yeah. it has to come off. it's made of metal. it can't come through the metal detector any more than your cell phone can. duh. do you have to put the belt back on the 2 year old right here? can't it wait until you get your junk together?

lordy lordy lordy, i go back again tomorrow.

pray my sarcasm wears off by then, or some peoples are gonna be flying outta here with their skin flayed off.