with the onset of the major travel season spiraling towards us, i feel the need to blog about the top things i say daily in my job:

1) are you aware of the restriction on liquids, creams, and gels in carryon luggage aboard the aircraft? if you can pour it, dribble it, squeeze it, smear it, squirt it, gargle it, spray it, or gloop it, it is a restricted item. even if you purchase a bottle of water or juice in the airport, if you are on the outside of the checkpoint with said bottle, it goes in the trash. you can carry containers labeled up to 3.4 fluid ounces, so long as they can ALL fit into a quart size clear plastic zipper bag. we do not provide clear plastic zipper bags at the security checkpoint. they cost about $1.50 for a box of 50. make the investment before arriving at the airport. key word: LABELED. if the toothpaste tube says 8 fluid ounces and there's only 4 squirts of toothpaste left in the tube, it still can't go. period. if it's a 12 oz spray can of olive oil, it can't go. even if it's the uber-expensive proactiv -- facial care products, if the container states more than 3.4 fl oz, it's not getting on my planes. check it under the plane or prepare to toss it out.

2) please take all large electronic items such as CPAP machines, laptops, dvd players, and video game consoles out of their bags – completely out – and put them into a bin on their own. "on their own" means nothing on top, nothing underneath. if you place these items inside a bag or place items on top of them, they will have to be removed from the x-ray machine and re-run, causing a delay for all passengers, not just you.

3) please keep your boarding pass in your hand. your left hand, your right hand, both hands; doesn't really make a difference to me. don't put it in your mouth, please. that's just nasty. i must view your boarding pass before you can enter the secure area of the airport. if you leave it in your coat pocket or bag, someone has to stop the flow of customer traffic and hunt it down for you. keep it on your person.

4) please remove all metal objects from your body before walking through the metal detector. unless your cell phone is made of wood, it is a metal object and it will alarm the metal detector. if your belt buckle is the size of a dinner plate, yes, it will set off the metal detector. some underwire bras, coupled with closed loop bracelets or heavy earrings, will pack enough of a punch to require additional screening after setting off the alarm on the metal detector. my advice? let the boobs sag and pack the jewelry. it's a plane ride, not a fashion show.

5) if you have bags that can zip, buckle, snap, tie, velcro or somehow close themselves, please do not use a bin for these items. likewise, if your bag is so large that it doesn't actually fit into a bin, don't use one. these bags can be placed directly on the conveyor belt, flat on their sides.

6) all outerwear, heavy jackets, sweaters and hoodies must be placed through the x-ray machine. yes, even the babies' favorite stuffed animals and blankies. all footwear must be removed and x-rayed. footwear includes boots, running shoes, slides, mules, slippers, sandals and flip-flops. the conveyor belt is actually much cleaner than the floor - the one you're walking barefooted on because you decided against wearing socks in public for some ungodly reason. people got some smelly feet and you're walking barefoot through all that foot-funk. i suggest slip-on shoes or clogs and socks or those little medical footies.

7) do not attempt to put your child or pet into the x-ray machine because you don't want to "bother them" by removing them from their carseat or carrier. no exceptions. wake them up or book a later flight.

8) do not get special custom wrapping on gifts, hand carry them onto a plane, and then fuss at security when it must be unwrapped and viewed. we unwrap the prezzies as if they were for us. *rip rip tear!* we get so little joy. security is in no way responsible for reimbursing wrapping fees or re-wrapping prezzies at all. if it looks ugly on the x-ray, it will be opened. it doesn't matter what you say is in the box. it will be visually inspected.

9) for heaven's sake, pack light. you don't need a kitchen sink in your carryon. or a fan. or a wii. check it under the plane or ship it via commercial carrier to your final destination. if you think it will take too long to ship, you can most likely live without it for the duration of your trip. most, if not all delays at the security checkpoint can be avoided if you just pack what you will physically NEED on the plane.

these and many more travel tips are available at TSA's website or by looking up your departing and arriving airports for specific local information. this public service announcement has been brought to you by your friendly, neighborhood katerooni, the *fnc.

*i've been dubbed the fucking new chick.