un.be.liev.a.ble.

unbelievable.

it started last friday. not a couple of days ago....LAST last friday. yeah. i been busy. from the top, with feeling.

sometimes, the dog doesn't eat her breakfast. for whatever reason, she decides internally that she does not require sustenance at this time and does not eat. inevitably the puking starts about 2 pm. when my oldest had not yet arrived from middle school via her consistently-tardy bus, i tossed the dog in the car for the 1/2 mile trip down the road to the school so i wouldn't have to clean up cold vomit after picking up kids from school. although, in hindsight, as i drove down the road, i really would prefer cold vomit on a hardwood floor than warm sick on the van carpet. oh, yeah, and i forgot a bunch of stuff i needed to give another parent TONIGHT. so i drove around the block to get my stuff and aforementioned daughter had arrived. i dropped off the dog and left to pick up kids. when i returned, a strange woman walked out of my home.

my dog had bolted from the house, had been hit by a car and she and her husband "hoped i didn't mind" that they came in to bring the dog home. holy shit. $450 later, the dog is deemed "sore" by the vet ER doctor and we decline overnight observation (to the tune of an additional $1K.) saturday went a bit better, aside from the fact that the pain meds apparently took away the dog's ability to control her potty functions. we dealt. oh, and my husband bit his tongue. i prescribed a swipe of brandy on a cotton swab.

if you know me even partly well, you might know that i have a little anxiety problem. as in, when i get nervous or upset, my head shuts down everything except the "diarrhea" and "nausea" functions in my body. well, i was nervous AND upset about becoming a member of the working world again, after being barefoot and pregnant for most of the past 10 years. quite nervous.

sunday, i began orientation for my new job with the department of homeland security. please hold your applause until the end of the program. i learned that, not only will my first paycheck not come until 8 november, but i have to shell out money for a parking pass ($33 for the last 2 days of october plus another $33 for november) before i even get that check - oh, and i have to buy clothes too since the uniforms typically take 2 weeks. or longer. and at some point i decided to let a big fat nail puncture one of my tires. joy. now i have to drive the husband's POS car, while he finds someone to repair my tire.

my stomach calmed down by wednesday, but the training is pretty intense. i have been unable to eat breakfast since saturday. i managed to choke something down about lunchtime, to keep from passing out, but it was a rough few days, also taking into consideration that members of this class were subject to the airline restrictions on liquids past the security checkpoint - basically, we had to buy most of our lunches at the airport kiosks...prior to that first paycheck, of course.

we traded cars for a few days to get a check-up for the POS, to discover he has a major transmission leak. yay. meanwhile, my house is deteriorating before my eyes. this must be what it looks like when dh comes home from work and i've been playing on the computer all day. or maybe not. at least he's making dinner from the menu i made, following the recipes and getting the kids to school on time. no one's had a bath all week (because it's not on the list, see) and every night i come home, he tells me more vociferously how much he's glad i've done this part for the past 11 years. he's doing much better than i thought he would. but the fact remains.....he's doing maybe half of what i typically do each day. maybe.

the end of his tongue is now a gargantuan pus-filled glob and he insists that if he puts brandy on it (like i told him to do days ago) it will hurt. well, no shit, sherlock. it hurts because it's killing the germ-nest built there when you bit it and didn't immediately put a cotton swab of brandy over the cut. fucking duh. he walks around the house, acting like he's been hit by a car, taking frequent naps and complaining of the noise. dude has had the house to himself for 4 days, doing next to nothing and he's acting like he's been this powerhouse of activity and just can't stand the thought of one more domestic chore. matter of fact, friday's dishes are still stacked on the counter because i put my ass to bed early last night. and he did too. lightweight.

i am now a bundle of nerves. i am hemorrhaging money this week. and although i have put in 54 hours, we won't see the results of those hours for weeks. today is testing day. tomorrow is my first day "on the job." i went to bed earlier than i had the rest of the week (before 10:00, ladies...) and i woke at 2:30am. and 3:30am. and 4:30am. and 5:22am. the alarm was set to go off at 5:25 so i sat and stretched for a moment, deep calming breaths against the nauseous waves of panic rising in my gut. odd. the radio wasn't on yet. upon closer inspection, the alarm light was blinking. and no sound was coming out. i walked over and checked the volume and got the quiet "shhhhhhhhhhhhh" of radio static. the radio station was off-air. holy mother of socks. if i hadn't awoken 3 minutes early in a panic, i'd have slept late. yay stupid stomach, i guess.

on my way in to my last class today, the check engine light comes on in the POS car. i am only a few miles from my destination and i soldier on, praying that what ever is wrong, the car won't die on me before i hit the employee lot. it didn't. i nervoused my way through three bathroom trips (in three different bathrooms, even!) before the test began at 9am. i later found out that i aced both written portions and scored a 90 on the visual portion. please hold your applause until the end. our class had to finish up some mandatory updates to the curriculum we just passed and in the middle of it all, the entire system crashed. so now we get to come in, on our own time, off the clock, and finish it. more joy.

when i got home early, due to the system crash, i found out that the minivan (which i hadn't gotten to drive all week...i miss my van!!) has a busted rim. yes, i said busted. as in irreparable. tad was driving down the freeway and there was a manhole cover missing (on a highway???) and the tire busted and the rim is bent all to hell. yes, in fact, it was the tire we just paid to repair.

so now i have two shit-cars to choose to attempt to get my ass to work by no later than 4 am tomorrow morning. not one place would help us out. no one could help us find a rim, let alone install it, before close of business saturday. and no one is open on sunday.

i think i am going to cry. because hopefully, when i arrive home after my shift around 10am on sunday (and wash the one pair of black pants and one white shirt i own to take the place of the uniform that i won't have for two+ weeks), this ten-day-long-week-from-hell will be over. then we can start creating a new schedule to call "normal."

you can applaud now if you feel the need, or even remember what there was to clap about. i forgot.