know thy circulars

We had occasion to go shopping tonight. So we headed out to our local S*Mart, where they had a few things on sale that we needed. Things like retaining wall stones and underpants; you know, the basics. I usually look over the various and sundry store circulars stuffed into our mailbox every Wednesday and plan out which store can give me the best price on stuff I need. That meticulous study and list-making was a monetary necessity for a few years and now the habit has stuck, much to the delight of our bank account.

Tad had already paid for and loaded up the stones and was anxious to take the van back home so he could get a drink of water. Alas, that was the one thing strangely lacking in our S*Mart. So he ditched me with the kids (volunteering to take the good one with him....I kept her for her entertainment value) while I got into the only open non-express lane behind a woman purchasing a butt-load of soda-pop and frantically flipping through the circular describing the "soap powder advertised as 2 for $5." She was adamant about that price. The store cashier was showing her the page where it was listed as $6.50 for one, but this woman wanted her 2 for $5. OK, yeah, that's a huge difference. I'd double check too.

Shopper-Lady decided to go back to the shelf and find the price there while Cashier-Lady went to get a supervisor to verify that the price was coded into the computer properly. I pried my childrens' hands from the candy once more and glanced through my basket. "I'm gonna guess....$165.00," I said to my daughter. "No, make that closer to $200. I bet we'll spend about $200 tonight." I pride myself on being able to accurately guess, but I love it when I end up guessing high. It makes me feel like I'm getting a better deal than I should for some reason. Yeah. I'm a doof.

Meanwhile, the Express Lane was drawing flies. I poked my head over the top of the candy bars and gum and asked politely if I could hop over even though I had 21 items. She held her hands over her head in a resigned shrug and told me that it wasn't her policy; if customers walked up to the Express Lane and I held them up with my huge basket-full, they'd be upset with her. So I had to stay put. I could feel my hair turning grey. I was going to grow old and die before I could check out. I was beginning to wonder if my fabulous deals were really worth it....

Shopper-Lady arrived back on the scene with a hang-dog look. She coulda sworn they were 2 for $5. They were 2 for $13. Which was $6.50 each. Cashier-Lady rang her up and kept loading the soda-pop into her cart when Shopper-Lady announced she'd rather just get one soap powder after all. So now we have to do a void. Lane Three is still clear and I can hear the computer tapping at the Customer Service desk, there are so few customers in the store.

A shoving match and the clatter of several pair of sunglasses returned my attention to the rugrats behind my behind. We picked up the sunglasses, explaining that we aren't supposed to wear all of them at once. Three customers arrived behind me. Lane Three was so empty, I could park my minivan there and no one would notice. The customers behind me were beginning to grumble when Cashier-Lady walked around to the swipe card reader because Shopper-Lady didn't know why it needed her zip code. Then the pen was out of ink, so Cashier-Lady needed to go get another one from Customer Service.

At long last the transaction seemed complete when Shopper-Lady said she wanted root beer instead of the soda she already had bagged in her cart. Cashier-Lady veerrryyy patiently explained that she would have to void the other soda and re-run her card through because the two sodas were different brands. Shopper-Lady thought that since they were in the same aisle and the same price she could just swap them out. After a short bit of hemming and hawing, Shopper-Lady decided to keep the soda she had and just add the root beer. Now she had to dig in her purse for 73 cents. Jeez Louise. And some other choice words....

I moved my cart forward as Shopper-Lady looked over her receipt. The price of bleach caught her eye and she started to haggle about the price when I snapped. I've been standing in line for 23 minutes. I'm done.

"Lady." I used my best Mommy Voice and plastered a visibly fake smile over my clenched teeth. "I will pay the difference of the bleach if you would kindly get out of line and go home so I can get my kids to bed sometime before midnight. I have cash in my pocket. I will buy the whole damn jug." The cashier about lost it. She had to be nice, but no such company policy had a hold on my tongue. The woman behind me snickered.

Shopper-Lady carefully folded her receipt and pressed a smile into her face saying, "Thank you dear. I can buy my own bleach. I'll take this up with Customer Service."

As I walked out with my receipt for $147 in my pocket, (YES!!) I noticed that there still weren't any customers in Lane Three. There were nine behind me. Somebody is going to get a letter tomorrow.