Queen's English II

Everyone knows you need a passport and special documents and airport tax fees when you visit merry “oulde” England, but how about an English dictionary? Most of the differences in our two versions of English (basic American and the Queen’s) are minor, but some of them are so dramatic, hilarious and even hostile, I had to document them, for humour’s sake. That’s the British spelling, by the way. Besides the dreamy accent in Hollywood, most differences wouldn’t even be noticed until you actually set foot on the white cliffs of Dover, or the nearest Tesco. All of the examples I set out here have actually happened to me, or have happened to a fellow ex-pat in my presence, so I will not hear of any cries of “Foul! That’s only an urban legend!” I give you: An Introduction to the Queen’s English, part II, Food.

We learned a lot in our first 24 hours in England. Exhausted from jet-lag and the general stress of not only moving, but moving over a giant body of water away from everything we knew had taken its toll on me and all I wanted was a bed. Once loaded into the hotel, we were informed that our breakfast and dinners would be provided in the dining room daily. Breakfast was served from 7:00 until 9:00 am and dinner was served 12 hours later. Oh, and tea was available at 4:00. Excuse me? Dinner at 7 pm? That’s when we are putting on pajamas and tucking our 16 month-old daughter into bed. We usually eat at five, on the nose. Needless to say, we accidentally fell asleep too early that night and missed dinner altogether. Bria woke at 11:00 pm (right at dinner time in America) and started fussing for some food. I walked down to the bar, which had not closed yet, and asked Les if he could make a sandwich. He was astounded that I asked for ham and cheese…on the same sandwich. I was astounded when he brought out a sandwich the size of Liechtenstein, complete with 6 layers of ham and…..shredded cheese. It was a tasty, if difficult sandwich to eat. There was cheese all over the floor of the room, and we both fell back to sleep before we finished it.

Some of the common things we found in stores and restaurants threw us for a loop. Baked beans (cold, right out of the can) on toast and broiled whole tomatoes for breakfast. “Bubble and squeak” is actually a breakfast dish with leftover boiled cabbage fried with mashed potatoes. We never did find a restaurant that could scramble eggs, including the ones that stated “eggs, any way you like them” on the menu. We taught the chef at the hotel we stayed in for two months how to make American- style pancakes by buying a box of Aunt Jemima at the commissary and bringing it back. They were still extremely thin and tasted suspiciously like French crépes.

Pizza can come with toppings such as tuna and sweet corn or prawns. There is a frozen variety called Heinz Baked Bean pizza; that’s right – baked beans and cheese. “Mr. Brain’s Pork Faggots” and “Monkey Nuts” are some kind of potato chip-like snack. “Tidgy Puds” are like tater tots. We learned of a new kind of sandwich. The British can’t understand “the American love affair” with peanut butter, so you very rarely see a PBJ in the classroom, but we fell in love with their cream cheese and jam sandwich. (It tastes better with jam or preserves, not jelly.) Wagons go from village-to-village on designated nights (ours were Wed & Thurs) selling hot, fresh fish & chips and German food like schnitzel and brats. That was cool, but the fish were fried whole, eyes and all, and served wrapped in newspapers. “Steamed spotted dick” is a sponge cake with golden raisins and thick cream (like sweetened condensed milk), served hot. As a matter of fact, most desserts were available with hot cream available on the top if you wanted it. I tried it, then passed on the cream for the next three years. There was also a strange dessert, of which I can’t remember the name, but it was a meringue “nest” with fruit and cream on top. The nest had the consistency of Lucky Charms ™ marshmallows without sugar.

It was difficult to get used to shopping for some things. I carried a list of metric conversions and I had a Fahrenheit-Celsius chart on my oven. Canned corn and soups, breakfast cereals and breads can all be transferred to different brands and sizes, although there are a lot of brand names like Campbells and Kelloggs. That isn’t an issue. But then along comes the baking aisle. You’ll never find baking soda. It took me forever to realize that “Bicarbonate of Soda” was the same thing, since I’ve never sat down and read the ingredients list of common household baking goods. Birthday cake frosting is almost exclusively marzipan; a sweetened sheet of colored shortening that you unroll, cut and lay across the top of a cake. I stuck to making my own from butter and confectioner’s sugar (which is our powdered sugar). But just try to find chocolate chips.

I had a “discussion” in a fairly large Tesco one day. I was baking cookies and I needed 2 cups of chocolate chips. I finally found them, with the help of two employees. They were on the top shelf in a tiny little box. They had three 47-gram packages of mini milk chocolate chips, which was a little less than one cup. I inquired if they might have more in the back and the manager answered, “What? Three packages of chocolate chips isn’t enough? You grow everything big back there in Texas. What exactly are you making, anyway?” At this point, I’d taken a few snide comments about “you lot across the pond” and was really trying to be polite when I just snapped. “Well, I am planning on making more than one cookie. Back in Texas,” I held up a loaf of bread, “I can buy a package of chocolate chips this size, so yeah, I was looking for more than a cupful.” I put the chips back up on the highest shelf, went home and prepared a grocery list for the two-hour drive to the commissary the next day.

A few things that I truly miss about England are the produce, the fresh breads, and the cheeses. They import most of their produce (well, except the Queen’s Pink Lady apples at Sandringham…those are some gooooood apples!) and it is of the best quality I have ever tasted in my life. The breads, even in the supermarkets, were of higher quality than any of the stores here in the states. And they have a bigger variety of cheese than ANY store I have seen here, ever. DH used to love to take hot bread and a hunk of cheese and an apple for lunch. DD remembers that for lunch too, and I have to go to a specialty store to find their fave cheeses, although Babybels are getting easier to find and they’ll both take that as a substitute. I also miss the Thompson’s chocolatier. Those people be lovin’ some chocolates!