a two-way street

I've been mulling over my first week on full-time status and a few incidents and passenger statements have really just wedged in my craw. Everyone thinks that they, themselves, are infinitely special and should be allowed to skip the screening process just on their say-so. Really? A terrorist would completely agree with you on that one. Right. Self-screening on the honor system. Go ahead, pat yourself down and just tell the police you have an IED strapped to your thigh. I'd give terrorists about 32.7 minutes to jump on that one and then everyone would blame the government for not protecting them again.

According to the Transportation Security Administration's Civil Rights Policy Statement, "the public we serve are to be treated in a fair, lawful, and nondiscriminatory manner, without regard to race, color, national origin, religion, age, sex, disability, sexual orientation, status as a parent, or protected genetic information." What a mouthful. I have interpreted that statement to mean, "everyone," which expands back out to mean, "I am screening all of you to the same degree. None of you are exempt."

You have the right to be treated respectfully. While I cannot vouch for every one of the other 42,999 officers, everyone I work with treats passengers respectfully while maintaining the standards we are required to uphold. That little blue statement goes both ways.

* When you roll your eyes at me after I've suggested three times to put your cell phone through the x-ray machine and then you call me a bitch, you are the one out of line. Dude, I even said "please."
* When you slam your luggage on my hand and yell at me for "making you miss your flight" while I am trying to help you, you'll be unloading your belongings by yourself at the other end. I got up at 2am; I was here on time. I am not to blame for your initial tardiness.
* When you say to me, with your condescending smile, that I am ineffective and that making you disrobe completely before boarding your flight is a waste of your taxpayer dollars, I am more likely to remind you that There's Still Avis. And if you didn't wear 19 layers of clothing and boots that lace all the way up to your neck, accompanied by a collection of no less than 29 bracelets, necklaces, and earrings that could be used as paperweights, you would have far less to divest. Try one layer of clothes, a sweater, slip-on shoes, and pack the bling.
* If you can read your boarding pass and navigate the internet well enough to book a flight, you can read regulations on what to bring and what not to bring from TSA's website. Most airlines have links to that page from their websites as well. If you "haven't flown in years" and haven't educated yourself, then your bag check is your education.
* When you mis-read the website and decide that you can bring anything you like as long as it is in a plastic baggie, you will be given your options: go to the ticket counter and check your bag under the plane; mail each item to yourself at a ridiculous cost of $20 per item (the checkpoint mailers company is not in any way affiliated with TSA or any individual airport); take it out to your car if you can, or give it to someone who may have dropped you off; or voluntarily surrender it. That's right, I said surrender. No one is forcing you to throw it away. You can always just miss the flight, if your shampoo is really that important. Once you scream at me and throw that shampoo, you have just stepped into the bounds of "assault." Keep that in mind. Because if I'm not allowed to swear at you and throw things, I certainly will not stand by and wear my BarbieTM smile and let you. I can pretty much guarantee that my swearing will trump yours. Don't test me.
* Go read this. Then go watch that. Please step back and get your liquids, gels, creams, and aerosols out of my face. Even if it didn't happen here in America, it is still a legitimate threat. A terrorist can just as easily declare, "It's just hand lotion. What's so dangerous about hand lotion??? You people are so stupid."
* I am treating your grandmother with the utmost respect, but she is not exempt either. She may not want to harm a fly, but the truth is, other people in the world could care less about their elders, or family members who cannot protest or fight back. It's old news, but still relevant every day.
* When I tell you what is involved in the additional screening I am about to perform and ask you if you'd like a private screening in a provate room BEFORE we start, that is the best time to say yes. While you are still encouraged to tell me when and if you are uncomfortable, when we pick up all your belongings, haul them into a private (yes windowless) room and begin the process all over again, you can just hold on to all the complaining about how inconvenient it is to start over. You requested it.
* When you wrap wads of money in aluminum foil and tuck it into your underwear, I'm not going to ask you to drop your drawers to see it. I'm going to deny you entrance to the aircraft until you leave, with all your belongings, and remove it. Yuck. (And yes, I use hand sanitizer after handling money ALL THE TIME now.)
* When you deliberately wrap your box cutter or cologne in your dirty underwear to deter me from searching your bag, guess what? Your dirty underwear will be on display for everyone on the checkpoint to see. I will fan that bad boy out and run it through the x-ray so everyone can see what a pig you are. Then I will change my gloves, sanitize my arms and hands AND the bin AND the table befouled by you and move on with my day.
* Please do not attempt to interpret my x-ray images of your bag. You can't even see the screen. Crossing your arms over your chest, checking your watch, sighing dramatically and telling me that I am "a waste of time" does nothing more than distract me from clearing your bag. Most of the time I'm not even looking at the bag of the person making the loudest noise and insisting that "it's just a cell phone; my god, do you need better glasses or something??" So, um, yeah. It's not actually a cell phone and you wouldn't know, since it isn't your bag. I especially love to tell that passenger when it was a training bag and I actually caught a simulated IED. Eat that, buddy.

You have the right to be treated respectfully. And so do I.